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I cant stop yelling at my self, insulting myself and hitting myself

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by tapsilog2012, Dec 13, 2012.

  1. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    All afternoon Ive been so angry at myself. I have a voice in my head that keeps repeating things like "youre a waste of space, youre a dumb useless bitch, the only things you are good for are having babies and doing housework and youre bad at that too". The pressure gets so much that I start yelling it out loud (in private obviously) and hitting myself in the head. The pain makes me shut up for a bit and then it starts again.

    I go through cycles of this, and although I am under a ton of stress I dont know the exact trigger. I tried going for a run and working out and it didnt work. How do I stop this?

    Please don't say meditation, it doesnt shut up even when I meditate. I have "flashbacks" of sexual abuse when I meditate, and for some reason the voice says I am making up these flashbacks, and it didnt happen, and it uses the flashbacks to criticize me even more. Basically the voice says "my mind is too undisciplined and is imagining these flashbacks, if I had better mind control they would go away".

    What do I do?
     
  2. Polter91

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    I think you should go see a therapist or talk to your doctor.
     
  3. Argentwing

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    ^^Therapist, definitely. But from my limited experience, I can suggest a few things.

    Foremost, if you hear a voice telling you you're a waste of space, try fighting back. Tell yourself that's crap, and even if you don't believe it at first, say that you are important to somebody, somewhere, and at some time. You put a positive impact on the world; you have a destiny.

    A little less intense suggestion, but no less effective IMO, would be to pop in some music. Not just something you sort of like, but something that gives you chills. Something of such surpassing beauty that no negativity can even come close. An auditory Patronus, for the Potter fans. It'll give you a little serotonin boost so you can think more coolly for a little while.

    As a last little note, people who doubt themselves are usually the smart ones. :wink:
     
  4. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    @RSwordsman thanks for the music idea, that does help me sometimes, I like the "Patronus" analogy too.

    I cant afford therapy right now. Im trying to go back to school so Ill see what kind of coverage they have when Im in school.

    I know one of the reasons is, when Im angry about anything I take it out on myself because its easier and I can avoid conflict that way. I blame myself for everything. No matter how much I blame myself people STILL say Im not responsible enough too, so I keep everything in and work as hard as I possibly can all the time at everything.

    I think there's something wrong with me, that makes people not like me and I dont know what it is. Ive spent my whole life trying to figure out why I cant be a "normal" likeable person. Its like theres something everyone else knows about how to be a "proper" person that I havent figured out.
     
  5. Argentwing

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    Maybe when they say you're not responsible enough, they don't mean you have a selfish, devil-may-care attitude, they mean they feel you should take more control of things. I can't really disagree; we could all do with a little more growing up.

    What I've really taken a liking to is not so much blaming yourself and getting angry/depressed/etc, more like "What can I do to fix it, or what can I do better next time?" It keeps the focus squarely on you, but is a much more constructive way to think about things. All that negative energy is channeled squarely on doing something good. And to boot, once you achieve something, you can feel proud of the fact that you fixed a problem like a responsible adult. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    Is this an actual voice or are you telling yourself these things?

    It sounds like you're hearing an actual voice, which sounds as though you may have schizophrenia, you should definitely go to a therapist and talk about this, as schizophrenics need meds to not only protect themselves, but protect others. The voice schizophrenics hear can eventually break the person down until eventually they just do whatever the voice says, no matter what it says.

    All the best.
     
  7. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    No I dont have schizophrenia. Ive been to multiple counselors/psychiatrists and NONE have mentioned it ever. I have the "voices" because I was severly abused growing up.

    Goddamn I should have never posted this. All Im hearing from the replies is I am "crazy" and "need to take more responsibility". When I take responsibility for EVERYTHING, I have no family or close friends, so no support, I do all the budgeting/planning chores/planning groceries, for my ex boyfriend as well as me, work 2 jobs, am going back to school in January, have long term goals that I work towards daily, drink maybe twice a year, almost never party or do anything frivolous, dont even buy new clothes,.....but somehow Im supposed to be even more responsible?

    I cant win. Seriously..
     
    #7 tapsilog2012, Dec 15, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 15, 2012
  8. Deaf Not Blind

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    I am a Christian, you know what I think....devil hates us all, and wants us to hate ourself, and wants us to hear his lies and harm or kill ourself. DONT LISTEN and DONT OBEY!

    Do go to a good really good therapist right away, don't say anything at all about anything about killing yourself IF you do think it...because I have had friends warn me that they will put you in a hospital to protect you and they determine when you get out. If you just feel like self abusing just be sure to tell truth but carefully word it.

    I want you safe, sane, and not sorry. :slight_smile:
     
  9. castle walls

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    To the person that mentioned schizophrenia, that is a very negative view of schizophrenia. All people with schizophrenia do not need to be on medication to protect themselves and the public.

    Sorry for getting off topic. When you go back to school, you should look into seeing a therapist. Often times, it is really affordable for students. In some cases, it can even be free. Seeing a therapist does not make you "crazy", "insane", "irresponsible" or "weak". Personally, I consider seeing a therapist a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness.

    Also, if you do decide to see a therapist, you should be completely honest with them. They can't help if you don't tell them what is going on. They are there to help.

    In the meantime, have you noticed anything that may help you deal with this issue now? For example, does taking a warm shower help? Maybe doing something with your hands such as knitting or playing an instrument? Have you tried journaling? Even if journaling doesn't help you feel better, it may help you determine a pattern or triggers. It may take some time to find something that works for you but don't give up