Yes I'm 50 and it's taken this long for me to be true to myself. However, a closeted lesbian for so long, I'm terrified to come out now. Here's my story. No intimate relationships of any kind as a teen - was awkward and shy and just trying to figure myself out. Unfortunately, was sexually assaulted by a male acquaintance...an event that would go on to shape my adult life. Never being particularly feminine or butch, but somewhere in between, quiet, introverted, and preferring the company of my female friends, I found myself sometimes being labeled as gay, but never really took it seriously, as I was traumatized and dealing with shame and generally avoided men during this time in my life. On to my 20s, having never told anyone or dealt with the past trauma in any way, I go on to college. A new environment brought on a new sense of self confidence. Had an active social life, relationships with men (because that’s what I was supposed to do...right?), but never anything lasting or even emotionally fulfilling in any way. I found I rarely enjoyed the intimacy with a man and my pattern seemed to be to always end it before it got too serious, and this was a pattern that endured throughout my 30s and early 40s. Needless to say, I've never really had a lasting or meaningful relationship with a man. However, I was always more comfortable with female companionship. I liked the openness and intimacy women naturally share whether it be innocent physical contact such as hugs or deep personal conversations not easily had with a man. I was finding myself more and more attracted to female socialization in general and to certain women in my life at that time as well, but was still in denial and blaming the former assault on my aversion to men. While in my 20s, I had a female roommate. We had known each other since elementary school and her sister had married my brother. I found myself attracted to her, but assumed it was a 'sister' kind of affection given our family relationship, since I was still blaming the sexual assault for my aversion to men and it couldn't be that I was a lesbian. So on life went. . . My friend and I ran in the same social circles, double date, etc.... To my surprise, several years later she came out. She had always had male relationships, most quite long and intense, so I really never suspected (or did I?...hmmm). As for me, I continued to be in denial about my own sexual orientation, so she did not push it, although she did once bring up that she believed I was attracted to her...an accusation I sadly denied at the time. She was dating a wonderful woman and had her own coming-out issues to deal with, so life went on with me still confused and conflicted. By my 30s I was quite successful in my career, my friends were all settling down and having kids, my former roommate and I grew apart, but still kept in touch. Believe it or not, I continued to believe that my aversion to men was due to my assault years earlier and not the fact that I was indeed attracted to woman. I finally sought out therapy to deal with the sexual assault issue in hopes I could heal and be able to move on with my life, have what every woman wants....a nice man, a few kids, picket fence etc. etc....yeah right! :icon_wink The therapy was long overdue and really helped me heal regarding the childhood trauma, but it also brought to the forefront the issue of my sexual orientation. Maybe it was the therapy or maybe it was just my maturity, but I was becoming pretty comfortable with the fact that I was a lesbian. By my late 30s, although still closeted and single, I decided to start a family. I adopted a wonderful little girl from China and she's grown into an awesome kid! However, for several years I was consumed with taking care of her and put my coming out or even having a closeted relationship with a woman on hold. You see, shortly following the adoption it was discovered she had several serious birth defects involving her heart, lungs, and liver. So coming out just had to wait...right? So here we are. I'm now 50. After surgeries and a variety of medical treatments, my daughter is doing extremely well. She's in grade 7 now, plays hockey, soccer, loves music, and making movies including casting her friends as the actors. Just a great kid! So what about me? Well, it's kind of sad really. I've still have not come out, have not sought female companionship while closeted, and find I'm now absolutely terrified to take the leap, but want to so bad it is all consuming. I'm incredibly lonely. There are several women out in my town. There’s what I perceive as a very welcoming gay community, yet I hold back. I am attracted to a woman who is a hockey mom like me. She’s been out for years (was once married), has a son who plays hockey with my daughter, and we seem to get along, yet I find with my walls still up, it’s not likely to ever happen. She’s recently broken up with her girlfriend, so I’m also a bit cautious to not to be a rebound person. Just the same, I want to do this, need to do this, but can’t seem to make myself do it. I know some will be surprised, some will say, “I knew it!”, some will be supportive, some will not, but hey, at my age, I just want to be me. The added bonus would be the positive example I set for my daughter. No one should be scared to be who they truly are. So to bring this long story to an end, it’s time for me to shine. Any advice is appreciated. Signed . . . ~ Just want to be free to be me ~
I just wanted to say how glad I am you found this site, and I hope that here you can find the support and friendship you need to make the choice that will bring you the most happiness. I'm still not out, so my advice is probably not very useful to you, but if you need someone to talk to, and toss ideas around, I am here. Please feel free to post onto my wall at any time, if it would help.
Awe..thanks PinkTracktor! I really appreciate it. I have a feeling the support and friendship I find on this site is just want I need. Glad to have found empty closets. Having put all that in writing has really taken its toll and I'm pretty drained right now, but will reach out when I recouperate a bit. Um...noticed I use the word 'aversion' a lot when referring to men, which seems kind of harsh and not really what I meant. (My former therapist would have loved that one!) Really just meant 'lack of true attraction to' men.
Welcome and nihao, Nihao! You are really not alone, there are actually lots of women who come out later in life (although this site has a lot of very young people). So glad your daughter has been thriving, and now you are starting to consider taking care of you. I hope you will join the large number of women in the Chit Chat forum, under Lesbian/Bi Members... there is a thread just of us girls, and it's very welcoming and friendly to all women (born or becoming). Also, someone there posted a link to a thread on coming out later in life, so I'm not sure where it is, but if you check out the Lesbian/bi thread you'll find it, and maybe reading through some of those will be helpful. Hope you find the support you need here, and that you post whenever you need help.
Hello niaho! We're more or less the same generation, and I'm just now working to be truthful, authentic, and accepting of myself. Im not self accepted as gay (but I sure think I am), and I'm not out. Better late than never is what I'm telling myself! I can so relate to your story. I have two children, one bio, the other adopted. Though I was married to a woman at the time, many similarities. The adopted child (also from overseas), had years of health issues, attachment disorder. Much much tougher than anticipated (now healthy and thriving). The bio child had/has major mental health and drug issues (thank God clean of drugs at least). And during that period I became a single parent, with the kids living with me. And yes, the focus of my life became my kids, work, making it through. Very little for me me and my needs, relationships and sex not only at the bottom of the list, but I'm not sure I had any emotional capacity or energy for that. I've just started working with a therapist on my sexuality and happiness (in the past week, though no stranger to therapy at all), and have been journaling volumes. I did a timeline of my life and seeing it in black and white it was startling at the hurts I've been through. And revealing to look at my relationship to hetero/homosexuality from a young teen to now. As I reread those words, it would be pretty wild to say I wasn't at least bi, more likely gay. But the hurts do stand out. When I saw that, I realized -- of course I'd be scared sh*tless to make myself vulnerable, especially with something (men), that I have no real experience with. Perhaps similar to what you see in your life it sounds. I don't see that you're working with a counselor now? For where you're at in your life, you might consider finding someone who specializes in lgbt and works with clients using CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). No laying on the couch ruminating over childhoods... it all about figuring out what you want and then, with some rigor, planning on what the steps are to make that happen. Peace and love Pete
Hi Nihao :icon_bigg I'm 37 and just came out to myself this year after many years in denial and struggling to maintain a hetero marriage. It's been quite a year! I've got some coming out issues myself - really struggling to tell work colleagues or parents of my daughter's friends because of fear they'll judge me. I'm out to both my kids though, which has gone well - much better than I feared - they both just took it in their stride and my son, who's 19, says he's pleased as he's been aware that there's not much in my life that makes me happy, and it could be time for that to change. While still married (I'm sorry to say!) I have begun a relationship with a friend I've known for years. I wouldn't write about this, but she is older than me - early 50s and, although because of her look/image people would often assume she's gay, she's actually hidden away for much of her life and feels fairly closeted herself - so this is a journey we're taking together, in a sense. Point is, though, neither of us foresaw that we'd be together. I was intending to stay married and just 'make the best' of things, and then claim independence in 'other' ways (maybe work abroad or away from home) in the future. She believed she'd be alone forever and love simply wasn't going to happen for her. Your account of yourself reminded me a bit of her. What I'm saying is, be easy on yourself. Come out to a few select individuals, or just one, if you feel able to. Why not confide in 'Hockey mom'? Not necessarily with a view to starting a relationship, but she might be able to support you in finding ways into the 'supportive gay community' you mentioned above. But don't give up. Just be ready to be open to new people and experiences. Love might come along when you least expect it. :icon_wink BBird
Hi. I'm 52 and have just started coming out to some of the people in my life. I have two daughters, 22 and 14.
Hey, I am 53, just starting to put the pieces together that I am probably bi, but leaning towards women. see my story in the sexual orientation thread under lotsa questions. I know EC has helped me a lot and also I am very blessed to have lesbian friends, and one who is bi. So keep talking, keep working on it. I have told two people now...it gets easier. I especially relate to what you said about just wanting to be who you are at this time in your life. Me too, whatever it ends up I am, I just want to love myself and be happy. So start by telling someone you really trust is my suggestion. You should feel safe with them. Good luck.
Hi folks. I'm back. First of all, thank you for the supportive replies. They mean a lot. My sincere apologies for the disappearing act after posting my background story several months ago. After posting, I think I just got overwhelmed with it all and escaped deeper into my closet. I stopped visiting this site, just buried myself in work and being a mom and essentially put coming out on hold. I don't know what the big deal is, but even at my age, I became afraid to take the leap and be true to myself, so retreated. On a promising note, summer is here, which means camp time. Started hanging out with another single mom with a camp near mine. It's just a friend thing right now, as we have much in common (single parents, kids, love for the outdoors, etc) however, she also just happens to be gay. Still haven't come out to her, but see it happening soon, as I'm really starting to feel comfortable and safe (for lack of a better word) with her. Hmmm....I don't really expect this big declaration on my part, more of a 'me too' statement, as I feel she's kind of figured it out and is just waiting for me to do the same so to speak. I guess we'll see how things evolve. Nihao
Nihao, Thank you for taking the time to post your (long) story because it made me feel less alone. I'm new to this site and posted on the "LGBT Later in Life" forum but a lot of them are in their 30's or 40's. Since I'm 58, it helps to hear about someone else struggling this "late" in our lives. My situation is different than yours because I was married to a man and very much in love. The marriage is over, after many years, and I am consumed with taking care of a mentally ill 19 year old, so I'm not dating anyone. WHen I was in college I had a sexual relationship with a woman. I was not in love with her, and it ended when I met my husband. Now I feel more attracted to women but very unsure about where to start, what to say I am (bisexual? bicurious? questioning?). Also feel like I'm too old for dating and sex. Many Lesbian groups and venues seem to be for younger women. Good luck with sorting it all out and thanks for your honesty. Try to be true to yourself (this is what I say to myself)!
