Sorry, this is really long. Thanks for reading! I'm not completely sure of myself here - I'm a 33 (almost 34) year-old gay male - I think! I've never really had an attraction to women, messed around with one in high school all those years ago, but didn't really "feel" it. I've also never had any male relationships, so that's why I say I think - it seems completely natural to me and I couldn't imagine being with a woman, but having never actually been with a man either...who knows. I really want to stop living a lie (I live by myself) and my family has started questioning me too - my sister-in-law recently asked me "how come you're your age and single" with connotations of being gay, and my sister (on another trip) we were discussing relationships in the family and she straight-out said (as a joke, I think) "I hope your gay, so you don't have to deal with any of this". Without explicitly denying being gay, I was like "haha, I'm sure gay guys have the same issues to deal with!". Fast forward to now. I saw "Bare" at New World Stages, and it cut me, well, bare - if only to myself. I know that it's probably cliche to say that a piece of theater changed your life, but I'm fairly certain that this one actually did. (NOTE: I've read reviews that this production is nothing like the original, and I can second that - I've never seen the original, but did buy the cast album - and that's what sealed the deal for me. The show itself was powerful, but the original cast album is AMAZING. I wish I would have seen that version). Long story short, I'm ready to come out - I think. How can I possibly know that's the right choice? I have a feeling that I'd want to come out to my parents first, in order to avoid hurting them more than necessary. The problem there is that they recently (i.e. this year) separated, and I don't live near either of them (and they live in separate states), so doing it in person is sadly out of the question. I also don't want to add to what is already an extraordinarily difficult time in their lives and the rest of the family. My dad is extremely religious (Catholic), and my Mom has previously told me (in a conversation that I remember well) that homosexuality is a sin. Aside from being a bit of a theater geek, I'm not "stereotypically gay" - I'm overweight, have facial hair, and love sports, engineering, typical guy things. I work in a traditionally male dominated field (IT, I'm in a fairly senior engineering role) at a very supportive company, therefore I have no qualms about work if I do decide to come out there. I've been involved in the LGBT network there, attending events and stuff, ever since I started a few years ago. So I guess the question is "how to do it". I don't want to hurt people any more than is necessary, and I'm very afraid of rejection by my parents (but not the rest of the family, I'm pretty sure that my sister would be extremely supportive, not sure about everyone else - I come form a very large Catholic family - 7 of us!) I also think I'm going to schedule an appointment with an LGBT supportive therapist and try to work through this - I've found one, but haven't scheduled anything yet.
You sound ready to come out as something non-heterosexual. I can understand where you're coming from with the how-can-I-know-without-experiencing-it kind of feelings. I'm a proponent of the tell-people-when-they-ask approach. So I don't usually go around telling people, nor have I ever had something such as an "official" coming out story or day, but it all sort of flowed and blended together. Coming out shouldn't change who you are or how others see you, but unfortunately sometimes it does. So if you feel like certain people (for example, family) need to know, then the best thing you can do really depends on your relationship with those people. Some options include talking to them, sending them an email or text message, or leaving a letter.
Well, thanks for the affirmation that I'm ready - but how could I possibly do things like invite a partner to meet my family without first having the difficult conversation? I guess that I'm fortunate that I live hundreds of miles from any family, one time when that actually helps I guess the question is what to do? Should I get out on the dating scene and just try? I think that might be exceptionally hard given my age and size (I'm not morbidly obese, but thin is not a word that's been used to describe me in probably 20 years!), I'm not particularly a prize . And with no experience, exactly where to go or whatever might be a problem, along with telling my friends why I'm not hanging out with them as much. I've watched tons of videos on YouTube about coming out, and they all seem to indicate that what I'm feeling now is completely natural, and that it really isn't a big deal. But somehow I don't take solace in that
Coming out is, for most of us at least, easier said than done. However I found it to be a liberating experience. For the first time in my life, I can be myself. I'm 31, and also far from 'thin', and I came out 5 months ago. I've not met anyone yet, but I don't see why my age and weight should hold me back. For my part, I've found the gay 'community' remarkably easy going and friendly - I'm sure if you get out there you'll find the same thing Good luck (*hug*)
I think maybe it would be a good idea to try out a little, before coming out, if you are a little unsure Dress up, go to a gay bar, or find your local queer community, meet some people whom you can talk to and get to know. If you can get to a place where you feel more comfortable with it, it might make coming out a little easier. It does sound like you have a fairly accepting sister, considering her statement was a little prying, but expressing acceptance. So, that is a comfort, when you have at least one family member who is willing to show you acceptance even before you`ve come out Besides, family is often more prone to be judgmental before they find out it is one of their own, as they then are forced to deal with it on a more personal, less superficial level. You are their son/brother, so if they want you in their lives they have to accept you for who you are. It`s the stick, the carrot is seeing you happy! If you get out there, meet other guys who are in your situation, you might meet someone you can be with and love, and that would make you happy, something we all want the people we care about to be. At least most of us, the group I would call the sane ones. Only disfunctionate people would wish an unhappy existance on someone they claim to care about. Or in computer terms, if the harddisk is filled with viruses, it`s not really a computer you enjoy working on. Sometimes you can clean the drive, sometimes it`s too integrated in the core and you have to scrap the thing. If it goes into bluescreen, maybe it`s best to just leave it off for a bit. Or kick it. I prefer kicking it! Sure, that didn`t make much sense, but I think you`re going to be fine. And age/weigth really shouldn`t be a factor. Have you considered working out on a regular basis? Weigth doesn`t have to stop you from finding love and happiness, I know a lot of people who feel they are over-weight, who I will admit do have a few pounds extra to carry around, but who has still found nice, good people who love them and find every pound they have sexy. However, if you start working out, try to get in a few sessions a week, it can help your confidence a bit, and confidence is always attractive! It`s usually not what you got, but what you feel about what you`ve got, and the personal qualities you exhibit, that attracts a partner. My girl-friend weighs probably 10 kg`s more than what would be her healthy BMI, but I fell for her because of her wonderful smile, her eyes and her somewhat shy behavior. I had up until that point only dated girls my own size, I am somewhat average on the BMI scale, but she is 100% sweeter than any girl I have dated in my life, and I love every kg on her! So, don`t let your thoughts on your weight stop you from meeting new people, and taking some chances. But if you can work out a bit, avoid some of the junk food, it can help you feel fresher, more confident and in better shape, and that will show on your face, the way you move around, etc. It`s generally good for your health as well And age? Some people I have met have been 50, before accepting their sexuality, and though they have regretted not coming out sooner, the ones I know have found partners, and happiness. So, I don`t think you should be depressed because you haven`t begun accepting and coming out before now. It`s what we do from here on and out that matters, the past is done with. Oh, and welcome to EC!
I don't get the "dress up and go to a bar" advice - I get it, but I don't. I was planning on going to gay bars (I might work up the courage to go to one tonight!), but I'm not exactly sure how to "dress up". I'm the most laid back guy you'll ever meet, anything other than jeans and a t-shirt on weekends is not comfortable to me. During the work week, I wear khakis and a dress shirt, guess I could do something like that if you think it would help. Or jeans and a dress shirt, which seems the "in" thing these days I did forget to add that I'm a regular at a bar (not a gay bar, but a sports bar) where the owner happens to be gay. Do I tell him? I'm thinking he could give me good advice, but it's not the kind of thing that you just say "oh, by the way" over a beer, but I feel that it would be a welcoming environment. Everyone who works there knows that the owner is gay and is perfectly accepting of that. I guess particular attire recommendations would be good
I'm sure the bar owner will appreciate why your coming to him for advice - why not have a chat. I did something similar with a guy I work with - it felt so awkward telling him, as you say it's not something you feel you can just casually drop into conversation - but he was a real help for me. As for what to wear - whatever you are comfortable in - every gay bar / pub / club I've been to has a casual dress code - so jeans and shirt or t shirt is what I normally wear. Friday or Saturday nights I'll make a bit more of an effort and wear shoes instead of trainers. In my experience, if you want conversation, you'll find it. On the other hand, if you want to take it slow, and sit in a corner with a book while slyly observing other people, that works too :icon_bigg
Rainbowman, I'm in the same boat as you. I just turned 30 this year. Afterward, I can't stop thinking about how attractive guys are. I've had a couple of girlfriends a LONG time ago, but I've never been with a man. I really haven't been attracted to much of anyone (guys or girls) before now. I think what I'm going to do is try to get a boyfriend and see how it goes. If I find it totally hot, well then I guess I'll know. If I find it totally creepy, well then I'll know that instead. There was this one website that described being gay with liking ice cream. It said, "Well, how do you know you like ice cream? You just DO. How do you know you're gay? You just DO." Well, I don't quite think it's like that. I mean, I can try ice cream to find out if I like it. But, I have never tried being with a man. It seems like I would have to try it to know for sure. ---------- Post added 15th Dec 2012 at 05:35 PM ---------- Oh Rainbowman, I forgot to mention. Don't worry about your weight. Some guys think it's completely HOTTER THAN ALL GET OUT when there is this guy with a big, round, deliciously fat belly. Check out the internet for the "Gainer" community. I happen to be an admirer, so I can say that it's an instant turn-on for me. Just sayin'. It takes all kinds to make the world go 'round.
CaptVonTrapped: I've known for much longer, but been in complete denial to myself. When you can accept yourself for who you are, even if you're not out to anyone yet, the weight of the world will be lifted from your shoulders. Simply writing down my feelings in the first post in this thread was massively therapeutic to me - but then again, I've been doing nothing all day but sitting around my apartment thinking and pacing. This can't be healthy. Well, I'm about to go out to a gay bar in my neighborhood - it's taken me a week of struggling to finally just get some balls. In other news: I went out to get my dry cleaning earlier (something that I do every week or two) and I was a complete space cadet (more so than normal, heh!). Dropped off my shirts from last week, handed them my credit card and they were look "oh, you wanna pick up too?" (which I did, but normally I'd mention that). Then I almost left my bag there. Think I'm nervous a bit? Then I read something on Facebook - one of my friends posted something about his son wanting "Daddy's Crunchy Balls" (he's like 2 years old). Eventually they figured out it was malted milkballs (nom nom, makes me want some!). But I took that as a sign that I should, even though it's obviously a completely random occurrence. Now I'm just not making sense
Well, I just got back from the bar, and am slightly tipsy, but OK I went for the "observing people" route - I'm socially awkward anyway (always have been!), so meeting new people, especially in an unfamiliar environment, is difficult. But I at least introduced myself to the bartender in my casual "hi, I'm X, what's your name?". We got into a mini-conversation that lasted all of about 30 seconds whether I lived in the area, etc. Just casual bar stuff. There was a group of three guys next to me that I wanted in their conversation, but I didn't feel right just butting in - they were talking about their coming out stories (I think from what I could gather) They were quite a bit younger than me - mid 20's? They had also just arrived from SantaCon (an annual event in NYC) so I could pretty well assume they were blitzed (that's all that happens there - imagine several thousand Santas descending on a particular neighborhood with no other intention than to get drunk!). So figured not the right time. One of em was really hot, actually.....unobtainably so Interestingly, most of the patrons (at this one bar, on a dead night, so my sampling is skewed) were actually older and heavier than me (I guess my fears about my weight and age were unfounded, huh? ). Even the bartenders were heavier than I was. Anyhow, now for how to actually have conversations with people....
Rainbow man Well done on going to a gay bar. Even if nothing much happened. You did it. I am 49 and only came out last year - so empathise with you! I have yet to go to a gay bar, but have joined other gay groups (a walking group, a social dining group). Anything like that near you? Its not all about the gay scene. If you join other non-party/bar gay groups you will also see that there is no such thing as a stereotypical gay guy. We come in all shapes, sizes and personalities - like the rest of humanity. Some of us love sport or car mechanics, some of us don't. Thats not what being gay is about. I would say from my experience don't waste time on comparisons, just be your own amazing self. I was interested in how you skirted around the issue of telling your parents and used their beliefs, the fact they are having their own issues as reasons to put off telling them. I wonder if underneath all this is that ingrained sense of deep shame we all have as LGBT people that somehow we do not have the right to 'upset' people with telling them about a crucial part of who we are? The key bit of your original post for me is when you said: "I don't want to hurt people any more than is necessary, and I'm very afraid of rejection by my parents" But my friend - you have been hurt and rejected all your life already from the moment you sensed you were different. Your parents I am sure have not meant to hurt or reject you, but may be like your sister, they have always sensed you were different and so you and they have may be colluded together to avoid broaching the subject. You deserve to not be hurt or rejected anymore. I have no magic bullet or handy hints on how to tell them (may be other ECers have?), as I don't know them or how you relate to them. It could be a letter or email or could be face to face. It could happen tomorrow or next week or next year. But you do have a right to not be hurt anymore by the silence. Good luck in your ongoing journey - you are making the first steps, Be brave
My relationship with my parents isn't the best, but it's certainly not the worst either - I just talked to my Mom yesterday and my Dad I e-mailed last night (about entirely different topics than this!). But I don't tend to call to make idle chit-chat like some people do - if I need something or want to make some plans (or as in the case of my Mom yesterday, wanted to thank her for the very thoughtful Christmas present that arrived on my door!), I'm not afraid to reach out, but I'm not like "OMG I have to talk to you every week!". Like I said earlier, both of them are in separate states hundreds of miles away from where I'm at. Does that make any sense? Oh, and I finally made an appointment to see a LGBT supportive therapist tomorrow, but have no clue what to talk about with him! We'll see how it goes once I get there.
