Looking for some serious 'questioning' advice

So, a little back story is necessary. I grew up in a relatively conservative household, and was 'raised' to be straight. I went to schools that had mostly rural folk, so there was a lot of LGBT hate. I even had a little anti-gay in me that I picked up over the years in grade school. I never really had any girlfriends, or was really interested in one (mostly out of shyness) until graduating high school. In fact, the only 'real' relationship I had with a girl was because my friends and even myself was questioning my sexuality. I made a lot of sexual jokes, and my friends started to wonder, so to prove it to them and myself, I asked a work friend out and we started dating shortly afterward. Now, I am not sure if it was my latent homosexuality, or that I really wasn't interested in her, but we broke up after a few months of seeing each other.

Now, let's take a few steps back. Before I dated the previously mentioned girl, before I seriously started questioning myself, a major thing that I feel contributed to my confusion is furry porn. For those of you who are not in the know of what furry is, here is a pretty good explanation of what it is all about. Within the fandom, there is a pretty sizable pornographic meta-fandom. Most of it is either Bisexual or Homosexual pornography. As much time as I spent on the internet during my youth, it wasn't until I was 17 (I am 22 years old, as of this post) that I discovered furry pornography completely by accident. And, as you might guess, it was gay furry porn. So here I am, really enjoying gay furry porn, but still thinking that I am straight. It was my dirty little secret, and I didn't think too much of it. After all, it's all fantasy porn. It's not like real dudes going at it, right? This was a major turning point for me, though. I 'enjoyed' straight traditional porn less and less. I got more and more into gay furry porn, and finally to the point where I don't enjoy other porn as much as it. Every now and then, I can enjoy traditional (real) gay porn, and only furry straight porn, but I don't quite enjoy it as much as the gay furry stuff.

Nowadays, I fantasize about giving oral, and receiving anal from guys. I rarely fantasize about girls. I've even been with a few guys. My first relationship with another man was pretty bumpy. I was still unsure of myself, so I wanted to find out through him. We did have some intimacy, mostly him giving me oral, and I enjoyed it. But, let's be honest, a blowjob is a blowjob no matter the gender of who is giving it. I did give him oral once, and while I was excited to do it before the deed was done, when it came time for me to suck him off, I was very hesitant but went through with it anyway. Fast forward a few years, and I am currently seeing another man. We have been intimate a few times so far, and it's been confusing and rough for me. The first two times, I was intoxicated and was very willing to give him oral and receive anal from him. When I am sober, I am very hesitant to do anything with him, and can't really get aroused. It's as if my body and subconscious is fighting back, trying to tell me that I am not gay, but another part of me says that I am just anxious considering that I fantasize about this sort of stuff and am willing when I am drunk.

So here I am, years after coming out to friends and some family, still confused as to what I really want. Did furry porn shoehorn me into being gay, or is it just a fantasy that I am just trying to project unto reality? This has been troubling me very much so for the past month or so since I've been dating my current boyfriend, and even then before that. I want to have a strong relationship with another man, but I don't think I can until I can sort this out. :help:

 

It did bother me before meeting him, though it doesn't really become an issue until I start seeing a guy again. I don't want to get emotionally invested in someone only to tell him one day that being gay just isn't me. I think until I truly fall in love with someone, I will always have this self doubt. I am too scared to talk about it with him because our relationship is so new. I fear that if I bring it up to him, it will raise some red flags with him that will persuade him to end the relationship immediately instead of being hurt later down the road. Reading all of this makes me think that it's best if I simply end the relationship and don't actively look for someone until I am sure of myself, but if I did that, how would I ever find out for sure what I am and how I feel?

 

Believe it or not, I am still dealing with this issue. Now, I have another boyfriend and we're living together. We compliment each other inso many ways... Besides sex.

When it comes to intimacy with my partner, I get anxious and tend to avoid it. He generally initiates it and takes control, I mostly follow through for his sake. There are times when I have no problem getting aroused and we have a good time, but my anxiety usually gets the best of me. In those cases, I get in one of my moods of self-doubt again and it stews in my mind for a while.

We've talked about the porn before, and he feels like he is in competition with it, as if there is a third 'person.' it's troubling to both of us that I get a strong, immediate reaction to the porn, but trouble getting aroused for him. He's accepted what I like, and we involve the porn during our intimacy sometimes, but I feel like it's a crutch. He feels like I am not sexually attracted to him.

In the past, I'd have a day or two of worry and anxiety about my sexuality and sexual performance, but i get over it soon after and we'd be fine. This weekend we were out of town for memorial day, but I broke down early on and told him that i am having one of my moods again. We tried to make the best of it, but we ended up going home early after talking about it more the next day.

He feels like I just want him as a companion, not as a lover. I am not entirely sure how I really feel. I love him, and he's a huge part of my life, and I can see myself living the rest of my life with him. We compliment each other on seemingly every level but sexually. I don't know if my feelings of attraction for him are genuine or forced.