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Sexually attracted to women, but romantically to a guy?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Musician, Dec 15, 2012.

  1. Musician

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    This is weird. I'm a 27 year old male, I've always loved women sexually. But this has happened every so often: that there's a gay man who's effeminate and I develop this crush on him. But I tried thinking of him sexually and it doesn't do it for me. I don't like it. My thoughts keep switching to women, which is fine with me. Completely fine. But I can't shake the feeling of this "crush" and it distresses me. I have a girlfriend, love flirting with women, love hugging women and feeling their breasts on me. Actually makes me feel like a millionaire. But just wondering, do you guys think I'm hiding something from myself? Why do I crush over these guys? I am definitely not into any other guys. Not masculine guys, either gay or straight, nothing like that. I even have difficulty thinking I could kiss him, but there is something there. But I think if I were to do things with him sexually, I would find that something is definitely missing, like it wouldn't be the same as not having the same woman's parts. But I can't shake these crushes.

    What do you guys think? Do you think I need to go into therapy for a bit and work this out? Maybe I have a psychological issue that needs to be resolved or have someone help me come to terms with my heterosexuality? Or there might be an underlying issue? But sexually, women always do it for me. Men just don't. It feels weird and kinky, but too weird and I don't think for me. But I don't know anymore, though I've tried to think of guys sexually. But I love female fantasies much more. I've already contacted a prominent gay therapist who understands straight men who have sex with men (Dr. Joe Kort) for various psychological reasons other than actually being gay (he's gay himself, but understands the complexity of sexuality), though I don't have sex with men. He helps you come to terms with your natural born identity (who you love sexually, romantically, emotionally, physically, spiritually), helps you through psychological issues, and helps you either "come out" or "wake up" as either gay, straight, bi, whatever. I tried kissing a man once and grabbing his butt on a dare, but it wasn't really exciting. Just neutral. Girls are different for me.

    Do you guys think there might be a gay side there to me? Or maybe some unresolved psychological issue. I don't want to be gay. I've tried accepting myself and everything. I only have these romantic crushes, but I know exactly what I love sexually. Unless there's something I might not know. But it's weird to me, and I've had some experimentation, in thoughts and a little in experience. I even tried licking a cock once, but it was so nasty I took it out immediately, and I don't think I ever want to replicate that experience. But I'm scared that it might have been with that one guy, and that with another I might be gay. But I don't like sexual fantasy with guys. I'm pretty positive about that, at least in the times that I've tried to think about it. But it always felt weird.

    What do you think?
     
  2. Thyker

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    From what you have written, it sounds like you are a biromantic heterosexual. There is a difference between your sexual orientation and your romantic orientation. Biromantic means that you would be able to hold a romantic relationship with either a man or a woman (example; you developed a 'crush' for another man). According to your sexual orientation, though, you would only desire to have sex with women (explained by the fact that kissing, touching, or thinking about another man does nothing for you).

    In my own personal case, I would consider myself a biromantic homosexual. This means I could hold a romantic relationship with either a man or woman, but desire to have sex with men. For all intents and purposes, though, I just label myself as "gay" because it is easier for others to understand.

    If you want to attend a therapy session, go ahead. Seeking help is never a bad thing and it may help you to better understand yourself.
     
  3. Musician

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    I'm beginning to wonder about all this. I had a friend whom I loved as a kid. I doubt I physically wanted him. But I was heartbroken when he got a bad friend and moved away ultimately around 10. I doused my grief away in female porn up until a few months ago. Now I don't know whether me wanting to connect with a guy is out of this grief or from actual sexual attraction. I don't want this attraction. I find girls really sexy. But I don't know whether I've just been in denial this whole time. I want to know for sure if I'm gay. I hope I'm straight, so I can have the life I always envisioned, with my girlfriend. I'm afraid I'm just not so much in love with the female body anymore, even though I felt great hugging a girl today and feeling her boobs. But I feel like I'm missing something. I'm so sad. I hope it's my former porn addiction, and the fact that I just need to reconnect with her physical body.

    I had tons of girl crushes and fantasized about tons of them and had sex with a few, and was proud, with pleasure and stuff. But I'm just not understanding my emptiness right now, without the porn. And I feel like I must have been covering something up. I'm really sad. I hope I'm not gay and I can live my straight life.

    ---------- Post added 15th Dec 2012 at 08:10 PM ----------

    Actually, this is really weird. I'm craving getting raped by a boy/man and then putting a bullet in my head. I just hate everything. I just want to be punished and die. Though that's not what I really want. I just want to throw my life away. I don't understand why. I don't think it's out of gayness. I think it's out of masochism. Because I LOVE a woman's love.
     
    #3 Musician, Dec 15, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2012
  4. ameliawesome

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    remember that there really are no solid sexuality categories, sexuality is very fluid. you're allowed to feel however you feel. as a woman i am sexually attracted to other women only, but if i were a man i could see how another man would be attractive.

    ---------- Post added 16th Dec 2012 at 12:40 AM ----------

    also, i watched this video earlier today:
    Human Sexuality is Complicated... - YouTube
     
  5. Musician

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    First of all, something totally weird happened. I was sort of grieving over the loss of a friend from childhood - many years ago - not death but the fact that he left me, which I'm wondering if it may or may not have inspired these weird romantic feelings. Here is something that kind of hit me in the middle of the night. I don't know much about gender-bending, but as a teen I always fantasized about lesbian scenes, in which I would be one of the women. That was incredibly erotic to me. So, kind of with that in mind, I started just cuddling my girlfriend in the middle of the night as in a sort of sapphic way. I don't know much about gender expression, but if I really have no sexual interest for guys, maybe it's all just a feeling of being a woman or an expression of that? Something just felt so nice about that. Just being kind of feminine and gay, but completely without that interest in guys. Because just feeling everything about a woman is my complete dream and sexy beauty. Also, I was into sports as a kid and still am, but I don't know how much that has to do with gender bending. What are your thoughts?
     
  6. ameliawesome

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    Well, I think the association of being a feminine male with being gay is just falling into the trap set by stereotypes. There are plenty of heterosexual fem-like men in this world. And it is possible to feel comfortable imagining yourself as the opposite sex without being transgender, I certainly do that. Your story about your friend is interesting, I wonder if that could have anything to do with the way many (straight) men are afraid to admit even platonic love for another man.
     
  7. burg

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    do you mainly get this craving when you are depressed.and have you had any traumatic event as a kid.
     
  8. Akatosh

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    I understand a lot of what you're telling us. I'm pretty confused about what I want, except I have the opposite reaction than you. I'm more physically attracted to men, but I love having a woman who is more than friends. From the way you describe your attraction to women ('boobs pressed against you.. feel like a millionaire'), it feels like you are trying to convince us, and reassure yourself. That's just my take on it.

    I sometimes get the urge to ask a girl out, and I am not for sure why. I feel a certain attraction to both sexes that I can't pinpoint. I have only dated one guy, and he kissed me after our fourth date and I felt the same neutral feeling your described. But, I actually am not attracted to him. I'm attracted to men, but he just didn't do it for me (a whole foot shorter than me).

    I'd like to know how the psychologist thing works out, because I definitely don't understand what's going on with me. Some days I'm convinced this a phase, and I'll find the right woman who does everything for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Observe your thoughts subjectively and recognize when you're trying to force a square peg into a round hole, so to speak.
     
  9. BiErik

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    I myself have some victim of rape fantasies. I have had these sense I was about 13 or so years old. I am much older now and time really uncovered something, that I just was unable to remember. I Was raped as a little boy by an older boy, quite often. Memory is very tricky, what had happened was when I was there with him I remembered everything to the point and just blackness missing memory. In that missing memory he was raping me, i recently recovered these memories and everything made sense.

    Who knows where these fantasies come from, I am not saying you were molested as a boy but perhaps you experienced something as a boy that makes you fancy the notion of being dominated. Try having your girl top you, that is quite fun, just remind her to be gentle.

    Seeking therapy is not a bad idea
     
  10. Musician

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    Thanks all!

    So, I spent the weekend in a meditation retreat, and I deal with a lot of anxiety. The instructor told me that it's not necessary to figure out my orientation. It's only necessary to get rid of the anxiety.

    I do get these cravings when I'm depressed. These cravings are weird. When I see a guy, it's like a fight or flight symptom. I'm on day 63 of a reboot from porn, so I don't masturbate, watch porn or orgasm. My brain has no idea what it wants in reality. But when I turned on the computer after a day of meditating and saw Facebook pics, I felt like my good old self again - happy being straight. The weird thing is that it all shifts around. When I see guys on the street, and sometimes camp gay guys together, I get this fight or flight response, which I really hate. Other times, when I'm more relaxed, the guys don't give me that response. I just want to be at ease with all people, and experience the energy which makes me feel good. With girls, there is something that puts me at ease. I was flirting with a girl at the retreat today, though I know my limits because of my g/f, and it just felt divine. Sadly, I was starting to fall for her, it's good she lives in another town. I like her not in the way I "like" guys. It's not even a liking. It's more of a panic reaction. To all guys. But I feel it everywhere, including blood rushing below. It's unpleasant.

    I was meditating today and this guy reminded me of a platonic childhood friend I kind of had some sort of love for (around 10 years old) who moved away, but not before "breaking up". He had similar qualities and I thought I would realize I'm gay right there. But the weird thing is his ass crack was sticking out, and that's where I felt like I was close to home - that a man's body just does not, nor cannot do it for me. Just the smell, even if clean, and the feel. It's too hard or whatever. But anyway, that's a small detail, I guess.

    I kind of want to make love to guys who I can consider my friends, because I didn't have a lot of friends as kids, but I don't like the physicality of guys. It's not like the feeling I get with girls. But it's when I'm lonely and anxious I crave it. I had a very painful childhood. I didn't fit in with the kids at school, I acted out, got shamed for putting on an exhibition show in Kindergarten, and didn't have friends. I sometimes feel like getting revenge on others, like going out and dominating and being dominated. I don't think it's healthy. I do not remember ever being molested, and I grew up in a loving family, though I hated everyone at school, except for a couple of close friends, but I had my difficulties even with them. I didn't want to make friends at first, and then I had way too strong attachments to them. I have a bit of a difficult personality sometimes. My younger brother, by contrast, had a much easier personality. I think therapy is a much wiser choice than doing anything rash or something I may regret. I think it would be much more important to fix my life up. I have a lot to look forward to. I don't think I'm actually gay, because of my feelings for girls and my girlfriend, so maybe it will turn out that I will get to raise a family with her. But the anxiety is bad, and I'd like to take care of it. If it turns out I'm gay, so be it. But if I had to venture a guess, I think the odds would be against that. But I do appreciate everybody's inputs in the LGBT community on this forum.

    I came home and was eating with my family, and I felt much better. And then I didn't even get the sexual anxiety towards my father. I was even getting reactions to him. I think it's something physiological, related to anxiety because of my warped thoughts, thus creating a fight-or-flight cycle. I could be wrong, but we'll see.
     
  11. burg

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    please just take what im going to say as a possibility im not trained in this area or any thing.im just some guy on the net.but it sounds like your not gay but have a Paraphilia(.Paraphilia involves sexual arousal and gratification, involving a sexual behavior that is atypical or extreme)i have seen research(only a theory) in this area which makes a suggestion that some Paraphilias are a coping mechanism to child hood stress.the correlation being the fetish itself is similar to the original area of stress(which seems like your own association of your childhood friend to your fetish)also it appears during times of depression anxiety .on the plus side it may mean you are very logically wired.good at patern searching ect.dealing with your anxiety as you are doing is the right thing and should help alot . its prob a good idea to go into therapy for a bit ....hey thax for the (i appreciate everybody's inputs in the LGBT community on this forum) that prentty much gave away you being a good guy.....it may pay off for you hanging around here on ec.i hope you do any way .if you ever want to vent hit me up.
     
    #11 burg, Dec 17, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2012
  12. Musician

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    Burg, thanks for the input. It's a good point to consider that it might be a paraphilia. It would be an interesting outcome, and most importantly, it would be a way to deal with the anxiety and resume being happy in my otherwise positive life situation. One way or another, I think therapy would be a good idea. I'd just like to be able to resume my life, and resume chasing my dreams.
     
  13. Musician

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    It's awfully weird. I know I quit porn, but I just looked at one image of a really strong, erect penis, and one picture of a woman's genetalia (both on wiki), and I know exactly what did it for me. So I definitely know my orientation in pictures (always have), but in real life I get this awful anxiety. I think I need to sort out my orientation in therapy, and more importantly, the anxiety.
     
  14. burg

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    if it helps i like people with at least a bit of anxiety:icon_bigg.the tendency is they are way nicer to other people.:icon_bigg.dont think your alone paraphilias are common.i have a mate who has a boarder line paraphilia going off his fetish i saw by mistake on his hard drive .i dont want to use the word cure(the fetish it self is not the source of the problem) but if you deal with your depression and anxiety you should experience it less ..im guessing you have already noticed that by what you have said in your posts.i would be interested if im right.its a pretty under researched area i would really love to know how it works.love knowing how our minds work.
     
  15. introvert

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    I think that's your problem. You shouldn't not "want" to be gay. You need to stop getting so strung up on whether you're gay, bi, or straight. Just let your feelings be the judge. Don't be worried about what label applies to you, just be yourself and let things go naturally. If you like a guy, then you like him. That's the case for countless other guys and is completely fine. There isn't anything wrong with you. Not everyone is 100% gay or 100% straight. Look up the Kinsey scale. There is no need for the excessive anxiety and stress. Do what makes you happy. There's nothing wrong with being gay. Don't think so much about it and just take things as they come. Be yourself, not what others or society wants you to be.
     
  16. Musician

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    @burg thanks

    @introvert I agree with that statement. Thanks.