Tough night for me. I'm a researcher - I collect data, make analyses, write reports and make recommendations. I've done it for my entire career. I'm good at it. I enjoy it. Since I saw my therapist last week (for the first time), I've been writing and writing. And, just like the researcher I am, I've been making lists, tables of all sorts of things. My negative and positive ideas about homosexuality. All of the straight and gay things that have happened in my life. Lists about hurts, losses. My strengths and weaknesses. I realized that I am treating these deeply personal, gut wrenching, and truly torturous questions about who I am, am I gay, what to do in my life as I do every research project. I realized I'm quite afraid. Why can't I just look into my heart, my soul, and say who I am? Why can't I admit, to myself to start with, what makes me happy, excited, thrilled? Saying to myself, accepting myself as gay, rocks the foundation of everything in my life. So much changes, if I say I am gay. This is trite, but until about 5 years ago I never had a facebook page. Of course it says "interested in women." It wouldn't have needed to, of course, to the world I'm a straight man - married, divorced, kids, dating women. My facebook page now has friends I've known since a kid, neighbors in towns I've lived in, family & relatives, co-workers and even some clients. All my kids friends & their parents, yep, to them I'm straight. Probably even to the mailman I'm straight - yeah, I even get Maxim and other mags that are for straight guys (and I really don't look at the pictures or read them - LOL). Only Google and Gmail know that I'm gay. Google, because of all the searches I've done on this. Ok, Gay porn, too. Youtube because of all the fun and romantic gay shorts I watch. Gmail, well, I get email from a bunch of lgbt sites. (sarcasm) - good thing they keep secrets. But until last week, when I saw the therapist for the first time, I never uttered the words "I think I am gay" sitting face to face with another human. It ought to be so easy. Be honest, authentic, truthful with myself. Dare to open my heart and soul a bit - just a crack to let out something personal about myself. Instead, my heart, my soul, are tied up with layers and layers of all the things that have happened to me since I was a little kid. "Regular" homes and marriages, "normal" families, both the expectations and assumptions that I'm straight. A life that I lead which, at least outwardly, is completely straight. So many many stories, situations, events where I've acted straight. And it wasn't all a lie, really, I didn't even suspect for many years.... And at the same time, as I dare to actually admit to myself what I've felt for so many years, I am so sad about all these years I've denied myself what I've really wanted, who I am. I haven't had a bad life at all. I've been blessed with so much. I am a "glass half full" guy. Optimistic, cheerful, I make lemonade out of lemons. But tonight I realize that with all that, I've buried, hidden, ignored who I really am. I don't know exactly what to do next. I'm posting this here, because I need to have these thoughts in black and white. So tomorrow I can reread them, that is wasn't some dream or in my imagination. I've never tried to set course, follow the map, turn on the GPS for gay (instead of straight). Always been on straight. And now, I have a lot to keep working on and figure out. And I'm a little lost.
Well .. I personally don't see it as complicated as you do .. probably its because of the way your mind works .. you are researcher .. you work with so much logic .. 1+1+2=4 .. it cannot equal 4.0001 or 3.9 .. I believe that is where your problem is ... You think that being gay means that you have to switch lanes or something .. as if your whole life you've been running towards the east and now you have to start running west or something .. its not like that .. if you are homosexual then you like the same sex .. point .. end of story .. that doesn't mean that you will act differently .. that doesn't mean you should stop buying Maxis .. unless you don't read it then you really should use that money for something else :lol: ... It doesn't really change who you are in the slightest .. I think you are dealing with it as a logical value .. a number that will be added to your life equation which will lead to it being unbalanced .. right ? .. S+512+58 = E(M-450.1) .. so if S on the left (straight = 2) becomes a G (gay = 3.5) .. then the whole equation comes crashing down ... Its not like that at all .. if you think something like your kids will hate you for it .. they never will .. your children will never hate you unless you deserve to be hated .. and if you aren't happy with who you are .. if you hid it .. you might end up hurting them unintentionally .. and you don't want that .. you have to be happy in order to make sure your loved ones are as well ... Nothing will change when you become gay .. you know why ? .. because you don't BECOME gay .. you ARE gay .. and keep in mind .. its much more harder for most people to come out to themselves then to come out to others around them .. its much more tougher to face that truth .. its there with you in the room and you kept looking the other way your whole life .. never looking into that corner .. thinking that it will just disappear if you kept looking away long enough .. well .. I guess you realize now it doesn't .. does it ? Again .. I think you look at being gay as something different .. or maybe even lower then what it is .. as if its some lower form of humanity or something (I don't mean that in a bad way) .. in all honesty .. its a preference .. you like sugar .. I love sugar .. you love pizza .. I can have one from time to time .. you hate the rain .. how could you I love it .. you like guys .. I like guys and girls but guys a bit more .. you hate those damn PETA people .. and I do as well .. but I like turtles :lol: ... Really now .. it doesn't make you a lesser of a man .. or a useless parent .. it makes you one of two things .. a happy person who acknowledges what he likes and what he doesn't TO-HIMSELF .. TO .. HIM .. SELF .. before others as they don't really matter as much .. or a man who hides the truth of what he likes .. a truth that he will feel as if its crushing him and he has to keep up a bad act about it for others .. believe me it gets old .. FAST ... And what is a family ? .. what ? .. again in your logical mind you are thinking {Man + Woman + Child(N) = A Happy Family} .. sorry to say this but this is a wrong equation .. {(Person(N) * Love) - Secrets = A Happy Family} that is the right equation .. family is the feeling of family .. its those people who you can run to when you need to .. and you will need to unless you are a monster .. who will accept you and love you for who you are .. maybe you didn't have a real family .. a lot of people have the illusion of a family as well but they don't really understand the true meaning .. but that doesn't mean you can't help your children have a real family .. a place where they will truly be loved and feel warm .. its just like the christmas argument .. it isn't really the gift that makes you happy .. its that person who remembered and tried to make you happy NOT because s/he have to on that day .. same thing for movies and such .. when you watch a movie .. people say OH movies are about the story .. others say its about the direction .. value etc. etc. .. you know what movies are about ? .. its about sharing .. its about sitting there on a couch with someone and share that experience with him/her .. its never really about that colors changing on the screen .. its about those 2-3 hours you spent there sitting with someone you wanted to be with ... Being gay or straight isn't about having sexual intercourse with a man or a woman .. its about caring for a human being who cares about you the same way .. and if both of you care enough about each other .. that is when a family is born .. the feeling of family is there now .. and children get added to share that feeling .. it will be their nest in which they will grow up .. and afterwards .. when they have that same feeling running in their blood as they grew with it .. they will want to make the same ... Children (90% of the time) do nothing more then repeat what they felt growing up .. if the nest was nothing more then pain and coldness .. regardless of how extravagant it was .. they will create another one that relays the same feelings they had .. the looks might be different .. but the feeling is the same .. who existed in the previous nest ? .. two men and 3 children ? .. who will be in the new nest ? .. a man. a woman and 1 child .. or maybe two women and no children ? .. it doesn't really make any difference .. what the feeling those people felt is what will make the difference .. if the first nest was nothing more then a dark cold hole .. even if they make a nest full of light .. it will still be cold .. they can't give what they never had as children ... If you make your children grow up seeing nothing more then a father struggling with his own feelings .. rest assured that they will grow up unsure of themselves .. hiding their own feelings from themselves and struggling because of it .. it might not be a sexual feeling .. but all their other feelings .. if they feel like something shouldn't be said and should be kept .. even if it really wasn't .. they will simply hide it .. feelings are unsaid .. you don't need to put them in a list of 10 commandments and say them to your children for them to understand it .. even a 3 years old gets feelings and acts upon it .. we learn feelings without being told .. that what makes us humans .. and that what your kids will learn from you .. hiding their feelings .. they might not know why they are hiding it .. they will simply follow your example and hide it ... In the end (only because this is getting quite long :lol .. whatever the feelings you have shouldn't be hid .. why ? .. because it will never go away .. and nothing will come from it other then feeling bad about it .. when you come out TO YOURSELF and acknowledge what you like in all honesty to yourself .. the one thing that will change is that you will no longer feel like you are hiding something anymore .. nothing else .. you will not walk around differently .. you will not change your wardrobe to all the shades of pink that the world can offer .. you will not put a rainbow flag on your window .. you will not spend more time in the kitchen .. your voice tone will not change .. you won't hit on every hot man that walks by you and wink at them .. and your children will never look at you any different .. in fact they will love you more since they will know something about you they didn't know before .. and will be taught not to judge people based on that thing .. and those people around you will do the same .. if they don't .. then I believe you have grown up enough to know that those types aren't even worth 1/10th of your time and brain power .. which will now be less about trying to hide and more about caring for those who care about you .. your true family ... The equation will remain completely balanced ...
Here's the thing, when we stop BEING - and just BE - life becomes so much more enjoyable. I was BEING straight because it was what I grew up expected to be, I didn't know any successful, happy, gay couples with a white picketed fence and a dog. Those stories always had a boy, and a girl. While my straight life looked enjoyable from the outside - it was mentally exhausting and not all that enjoyable from the inside. I agree with most of what NONE said above. The thing is, we spend hours, days, years even thinking about our sexuality - in a way that most people do not. Once we tell them what we have going on - the ensuing conversations are short in comparison. It is life changing for us - not so much for most of the people you will tell. I will also tell you - that why I expected a lot of "Oh my Gods, and WOW's" - what I got more of and wasn't expecting was the " Oh my god - I feel so bad that you were going thru that alone"! One last thing re FACEBOOK - yes, it has people on it who have known you forever but at the end of the day - my guess is that only a small handful really matter in your life and they should be told by you. As for the rest of the world, who cares, how and when they find out. Once you have accepted yourself of course!
First of all, I want to say you sound like a really fascinating brilliant person. I totally know what you're going through. I feel the exact same way. My advice- I know you are worried about coming out to everyone right now but you don't have to come out to everyone at once. It takes time to be comfortable with yourself. I'd say come out to the people you feel the most comfortable with first then worry about everyone on facebook. I haven't come out to my parents yet and i don't even specify my preference on facebook. I'm just not comfortable with myself yet. Every time I come out to people I feel really insecure. It takes time. Be patient with yourself. You are an incredible person and you being gay is just another really cool thing about you.
All I can say is take one day at a time. You say it ought to be easy - you are right - it should be. But for the vast majority on EC, it isn't or wasn't. The hardest person for me to come out to was myself - I won't say it's been plain sailing since, but every person I've told since has got easier. I know it's cliched - 'it gets better', but theres a good chance it will. Good luck
Thank you all -- my head hurts over all this! (and my heart, too). None, you are so right. There is nothing more that I wanted to do after my divorce than to create a home for my kids that was loving, clean (as in no booze/drugs), and to be a family that was always there for them. I know my daughter, especially, picks up my cues (uncertainly, depression, etc.), though I'm sure my son does too. I do believe that if they see me be open and honest about myself, they too will see that that's how they should live their lives. In my mind, I'd want them to see me having fun, laughs, caring for and being cared for someone. That all sounds good, until it comes to the woman I'm in love with who is my girlfriend. I feel so guilty every day goes by and I say nothing. She wants to get married. I'm holding back. And I believe that she will never stay with me if I tell her I'm gay and need to be with men. (I don't think that I couldn't handle that). She's a wonderful person. We have a lot of fun. We deeply care for each other. That will change. And its another thing that'll be a change for my kids. Their mother is on husband 3 (I was the first). I've been engaged before (and she ended it). We're close with her family and been through some very hard times together. I guess I've always BEEN just what I was expected to be. I made some different choices along the way. But saying I'm gay -- that would be way over the top different! I've had a lot of loneliness because of being. Its fair to say that keeping this secret, even from myself really, has kept me from being 100% there with other people. I have not told anyone (other than my shrink), and I truly doubt that anyone knows. I'm not really that tied into Facebook. It is a lot of fun, and very cool to connect with people from across my life. Its just another part of my life that broadcasts "straight, with a woman." Not that that's a lie -- its just not the whole truth. My mind is probably going to wear out sooner than others -- I spend so much time thinking, rethinking, analyzing. Most of the time I'm responding in ways that make me liked (though I do stand my ground). Its time to feel who I am, to be me. Yes, its a process. Part of me is excited about it an can't wait to hurry and get there. Part of me needs to trust my shrink, that the stuff he's having me do right now will get me there. Each of you posting here have been so open and thoughtful with me. Thank you. Pete
I had a ridiculously good session with my therapist today. A real dialogue about what I want, and what I've held back for so long. And a reality set, that its going to be a lot of hard work. Where I have to be open to the pain and sadness and hurt that might come, as well as the happiness. I am SO good at thinking --- I think about everything and analyse and over analyze. And I'm realizing, all that thinking stops me from doing, being who I am, what I want. I really do feel better. I know this will take a while, better late than never, huh. A heartfelt thank you for your support. Pete
