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Bisexual or Lesbian? Confused...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jinkx, Dec 17, 2012.

  1. Jinkx

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    Hey everyone,

    I've been confused about this for a good 5 years now, since I was 20.

    I've been romantically and physically involved with both genders over the years. Got my first crush on a girl when I was about 15. I wasn't confused about it and I wasn't bothered about coming out as bisexual. At the very least as soon as that happened I knew I was bisexual. My mum used to question my sexuality from when I was very young. From about 10 years old at a guess. I'm lucky I have parents who are totally opened minded neither of them cared. I'd comment on some woman on TV being pretty and mum would ask if I was a lesbian and I would laugh and say I wasn't :slight_smile:

    Although when I slept with a woman for the first time it changed my view.
    Now however I am not so sure and haven't been for a while. For a long time I thought I was only interested in women physically then I met a couple of girls I became crazy about. One of them I got lucky enough to date although we broke up because of her family disapproving of her orientation but we're still friends :slight_smile:

    Over the last year or two my thoughts have been changing even more. I'm steadily becoming less and less attracted to men. The sight of male genitalia almost makes me want to vomit yet I have still been dating and sleeping with men. But when I am with a man I spend a lot of time wishing I was with a woman or thinking about the times I have been with women. To an extent I still enjoy intercourse with men however I'm enjoying it less and less as time goes on.

    I'm always craving to find myself a woman and to be with a woman but keep ending up with men. I'm really confused about it and also it's strange how I have this desire to be a lesbian at the same time.

    Any advice from anyone?
     
  2. pinklov3ly

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    You've pretty much described how I feel and it often leaves me so confused. I try to enjoy sex with someone who I actually care about (a man) but during the ”act”, I often find myself fantasizing about women. It's the only way that I can become aroused, but it makes me feel extremely guilty and ashamed. Because I'm forcing myself to enjoy something that I do not. I do consider myself to be gay, but I do not want to be. I'm learning to accept myself all over again after another brief stint back into the closet :tears:

    I think you may be a lesbian, it surely does sound like you are to me, but you're the only one who can define yourself. My attraction towards men has slowly diminished--and not to offend any men who may reply, but the demeanor of some men is a turn off to me. I dislike the machoness/masculinity and how mens' cologne has that strong manly smell :dry: I've felt naturally drawn to women all my life, so I truly believed I forced myself to like men.

    I think you should most definitely explore your feelings and embrace them. Women are beautiful and I feel very lucky to be who I am. I can remember playing house when I was younger, but with me and another girl, so that's what I grew up desiring. Whatever you do, take your time, but be honest with yourself most importantly :slight_smile:
     
    #2 pinklov3ly, Dec 17, 2012
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  3. Jinkx

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    Hey pinklov3ly thanks for your reply :slight_smile:

    You said "I do consider myself to be gay, but I do not want to be" There's nothing wrong with being gay :slight_smile: You just gotta make sure you keep supportive and accepting people around you :slight_smile: I'm lucky in the fact that no one I socialise with cares what I do or what I am :slight_smile: I revel it my sexuality and I find great amusement in the people that do have a problem with it. The ignorance and stupidity of some people is laughable.

    Thank you very much for your advice :slight_smile: I much prefer femininity. I prefer the shape of a woman and the way women move. I don't really pay that much attention to men haha

    xxx
     
  4. The Queen Bee

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    This is very interesting...

    I gotta say, personally I have enjoyed sex with men...
    It's great, but the thing is I doubt I'll ever be able to have a fulfilling relationship with one of them.
    I didn't have the need to fantasize about women (my sapphic feelings were very repressed). Now that out, I'm sure sex with women will be a lot better...

    My experience is not exactly like yours, but you totally sounds like a lesbo to me.
    You could be gay leaning bisexual (you seem to be very fond of the ladies, then again, who isn't?), but hetero-romantic.
    Or something of the sort.
     
  5. Jinkx

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    Thanks Queen Bee :slight_smile:

    See I wouldn't even go as far as to say sex with men is great lol it's just scratching an itch for me haha At one point I described it as "being stabbed repeatedly in my organs" gave my friends a good giggle that's for sure! haha
     
  6. metoo

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    Hello,

    I have had some similar expiriences to you. Although to a lesser degree. I have never had sex, or dated anyone (I am only 14). But I have gone through kind of "stages" First I though I was just into women because I was naturally curious. My mom said that because I was developing, I was interested in how I might be, and that it was normal. (Implying that I was not gay, although I didn't think about it back then, and I did not think I was gay, I just noticed that I was curious about women. I was like 11) Then I thought, after a while, I must be bisexual because I liked both. Well, two years later, I deffinately think I am gay. So basically I want from liking guys, to only liking girls, and I relized it over time.

    I guess where I'm going with this is that you are the only one who can decide, but based on my limited expirience, I think you're a lesbian.

    :goodluck:
     
  7. madi

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    It sounds to me like you are a lesbian or if we use the kinsey scale like a 5 maybe? Like pretty much everyone else has said, you're the only one who can figure this out, but saying that male genitalia makes you sick makes me feel like maybe you aren't sexually attracted to men. It may be more helpful for you to think of your sexuality in terms of a scale though rather than little boxed in labels. Maybe you are somewhere in between bi and gay.
     
  8. pinklov3ly

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    Good one :roflmao:

    I've described it as being poked repeatedly, which in other words, it's annoying! I don't know why, but I dislike penetration, it's uncomfortable and not exactly pleasurable :icon_redf
     
  9. Asari

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    I hate penetration too. I remember being so upset when I was young because I thought sex= penetration. When I realized you can have sex without penetration I was like (!) lol .

    But back to the question. Jinx you could be like a 5 on the kinsley. I identify as lesbian and I know I could never be with a dude but I occasionally find dudes attractive and this doesn't really bother me. You don't have to be completely gay or completely 50/50. Everyone is different.
     
  10. curlycats

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    forgive me if you see this as spam because it's not directly related to your request for advice, but i thought you might be interested in this....?

    DAR! by Erika Moen

    it's an autobiographical comic series by one of my favorite artists. it describes her own personal battle with being a lesbian/bisexual/pansexual/etc and for her there was also a time when she couldn't stand the sight of male genitalia. perhaps you'll be able to relate to it a little? :slight_smile:

    i wish i could personally give you advice, but i don't feel i'm in any position to. i personally think labels are crap and only help people limit themselves. *shrugs*
     
  11. Jinkx

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    Thanks for the advice everyone :slight_smile:

    I don't really care what my sexual identity will end up as I just want to know what it is hahaha

    I feel one thing is the fear of coming out and being a lesbian. I don't care what other people think it's the lifestyle change that scares me. Finding new clubs etc to hang out in make new circles of friends that will go to all the new places with me etc That's what I'm scared of and because of where I live I'm worried about never finding someone. Sometimes I feel like I only date men because they're easier to get hold of here lol (No offence guys.)

    I don't want to date men I know I don't and when I do see a guy I find attractive I hate it... It's so weird. Although being attracted to men is happening less and less as the years go by.

    I like the idea of looking at things on a scale rather than boxes thanks for that :slight_smile:

    I don't hate penetration it just doesn't really do much for me.

    I'm probably an 80/20 ratio towards girls. It just bugs me and I can't explain why lol Ca never be simple can it? lol

    Thanks for the comic I had a quick look and I think I'm gonna enjoy reading through that :slight_smile:
     
  12. GuidingLight

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    :eusa_clap :lol::laugh::laugh:

    that was hilarious, but true, very true.
     
  13. Jinkx

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    why thank you :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  14. tapsilog2012

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    LOL @the "being stabbed repeatedly"....

    Did anyone else fake how much they enjoyed it (being with men)? My first boyfriend "coached" me to move around and make noises and "talk dirty" lol.....so it got to be a habit for me even if the sex wasnt great, kind of like putting on a performance....:icon_redf

    Damn that sounds really bad when I write it down:confused:
     
  15. The Queen Bee

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    This thread is becoming increasingly interesting.

    As a comic put it, I DEFINITELY prefer the "Queer" label... That's actually what I feel I am... I think that the term that suits me better and I'd use it if it wasn't because in my language there's not a decent translation for it, so I gotta stick with "lesbian" (that's the second closest term and a fairly good option).


    Well... I'm 25 and I started seriously questioning at 23 (I was a total denial case)... and finally came out at 24.
    When I finished my coming in, and coming out to myself, well... I knew there was no turning back. It was just crystal clear. No doubt. "I'm a lesbian."

    It's ackward at the beginning, so I see where you're coming from... I felt very uneasy after I told my sister (the first person who I came out to)... and coming out to my father has been one of most difficult things I have had to do.

    After I came out to my family and friends I was like: "So, I'm gay... Now what???". I joined some LGBTQ groups and attending to Queer events.
    It's kinda weird... I've never been shy, but I gotta say doing these things felt like going through puberty all over again. Just a lot more informed.
    I had that aknedkflansdlkaf feeling when I was thinking of going to Pride, when I actually was there, when I went to my first gay bar, when I met the lezzies of one of the groups. I think change can be frightening, ackward, problematic or whatever.
    And you don't really new friends... There are some Straight people who are very interested in Gay Culture... and I don't mean Straight guys who objectify women and expecting to see you making out with a girl.

    I'd personally use "ackward" given that these things were outside my comfort zone for sure, but then again Hakuna Matata. There's no need to stress over these things... Once you get acquainted with the gay scene it's all gonna be "Meh"...

    lol
    I remember that just when I was in that "I'm gay and I'll shout it from the rooftops" stage, I met these to vegans. I came out to them inmediate and realized I was flirting with the guy a little bit. I was like: "Really??? WTF... Aren't I supposed to be a full dyke??"...

    That said since I came out noticing hot women has become A LOT more obvious to me. I still find some men both physically and emotionally attractive (I doubt it'll ever stop)... but, given that women have become more obvious to me, the overall attraction, by contrast (from when I was in denial), is a lot less with men than with the ladies.

    lol It doesn't bug me right now, but I see you here. I'm quite sure I won't act on my feelings towards guys. I don't know about you but I honestly don't think I can have a fulfilling relationship with a man. I love them... I really do. Just not that way (at least not for long).

    And me too. From one to ten, I think I'm a 7-8 gay...

    You know how Hetero is on one side, Homo on the other... and Bi right in the middle???
    Well, I am right in the middle of Bi and Homo... =P

    ---------- Post added 19th Dec 2012 at 03:05 AM ----------

    I never really felt like starting the whole shebang... but it has been really good (my last guy was actually very generous)... until the sexual attraction I feel starts to fade away. And little by little I started to grow annoyed by them... and then: "Sayounara, beetches"... :smilewave:smilewave:smilewave

    So it became like kissing a wall.

    That said, I am SO SURE that been with a woman will be a lot better.
     
  16. Jinkx

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    Haha. I've been the same. Just became a sort of routine to do certain things. I don't think it's that bad a thing to do. Just something that kinda happens to some of us :slight_smile:

     
  17. GuidingLight

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    interesting hmm I didn't realize others felt like that. That they start to lose emotional attachment ect. to a guy. I thought I was just being a really bad person.
     
  18. Jinkx

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    Yeah same here really lol At least we now know it's connected to our sexualities and not about simply being mean :slight_smile:
     
  19. The Queen Bee

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    I think that happens with people who are slightly homophobic and/or have heterosexists views. I'm not accussing your friends of anything. This is just my opinion. I think that happens a lot with people who either don't know that many Queers... or they know some, but are not really close friends with them; so they're a bit misinformed on the regard.

    But that happened to me as well. And it was predominantly from friends (female friends mostly) who are a bit homophobic towards lesbians.
    One of them... one of my closest friends seemed to be OK with the idea of me being gay when I came out to her (despite the fact weeks before I came out to her she made clear that she found lesbians "Urgh"... and felt -I guess- threaten by them/us).

    Over half a year later she told me she had been discussing my gayness with her sister all along (who's a close friend too... and who I also thought she understood) and they got to the conclussion that I wasn't "really gay"... It was just a "phase" and that I hadn't found "Mr. Right"... :eusa_doh:
    I was flabbergasted. Despite the fact I know she was/is homophobic) I really thought she understood what I meant when I came out to her and said: "I'm a lesbian". Honestly... I think it'll take her (among others) a while to see that this is really my identity. It's not a fashion for me... It will not wear off. EVER.

    But that for me it's just heteronormalcy. The idea that the only possible mix is a man with a woman... Kids are not taught that sometimes girls want to be girls... or both boys and girls and boys sometimes want to be with boys or both boys and girls... And so they idea of someone being gay might not be necessarily rejected, but sometimes it's just not "digested" by some.


    These things that you're mentioning are the reason why I feel very reluclant to tell people that I do feel sexually attracted to men from time to time.
    It seems that, because of heteronormalcy (a man HAS to be paired up with a woman), some believe my orientation can switch back... Just like that. *snaps fingers*
    Especially given that I'm not a butch (I'm not a femme either).
    My mother thinks that, my oldest sister... and a bunch of -mostly female- friends... and some guys who have crushes on me. =P
    Being fully honest, given that I have had strong crushes on guys I can not discard the possibility of hooking up with a guy again. But I am a lesbian and I really don't think I can fall for a man. I don't think it'll happen... Also because the idea of being with a girl sounds a lot more interesting than being with a guy. And if by some weird turn of destiny it happens, I know it won't last long.



    Not to be a b-otch... But I doubt you'll find this with Straight friends.
    You'll have a couple Straight Allies (you mean call them Queer Heteros, for the lack of a better term) that we'll be very curious about the Queer scene... not only that but, out of curiosity, they'll sort of see you as a "portal" to this magical flannely, glittery Queer world. lol Oddly one of my previously homophobic heterosexist friends fell into this category. =P
    *shrugs*

    LGBTQ friends on the other hand will go with you hand by hand... There are a lot of closeted Queers that came out to me only after I came out to them. Our relationship has improved because we can talk about queer issues that we didn't before... Also because we walk around the city spotting hot girls and dudes (I mostly know gay men) and trying to figure out who's gay. lol
    We go together to every Queer event we find out... and it's just easier. I don't have to explain things to them... We're just synched in that area. I don't have to educated them on certain issues and let them know why asking "who's the boy and who's the girl??" is a awfully phrased question (one that I won't answer, by the way)... And small things like that. *shrugs*

    Gosh... My gaydar works half way through. I can tell 6-7 times out of 10. lol
    It's particularly difficult for me to pick on bisexuals (though, I have spotted a few... lol)... and slightly harder when it comes to non-Ecuadorians.


    lol The idea of "I'm just that type of girl who gets tired of men easily"... or "he's just not the right guy", my sexual attraction towards men (this is quite annoying, but actually the person who I've felt the most sexually attracted towards to so far has been a guy :eusa_doh:slight_smile:, my "blocked" sexual attraction towards women and blah, blah, blah was what kept me in perpetual denial. Urgh!!!
    It's really lame... But also the fact that I don't fit the man-hating-looks-like-a-dude lesbian estereotype. The sad part is that 70% of the estereotypes apply to me. lol
    I'm very tomboy-ish.
    Ah-mazing what my brain did to prevent me to face my sapphic feelings.
    Thank goodness that one very obvious lesbian crush... and the movie The Descent. Those two are the reason why I came in and out... Goodness knows how long I'd have been in denial.


    Also... lesbian invisibility... Geezus... (-_-")
    Thank goodness for The L Word!!! :thumbsup:(!)
    (I mean... Jennifer Beals is there...)
     
  20. Jinkx

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    My friends aren't saying it in a mean way it's usually pretty funny. I think it's because I tried to come out at the beginning of the year then entered into a relationship with a man. Who then turned out to be mtf trans* my life's never simple haha So I've kinda done it to myself. Have been heavily confused all year lol

    I'm pretty much in the same state of mind. When I think about dating a guy it's always the same. Happy to have some companionship but getting bored very quickly, thinking about being with a woman most of the time then start hating the guy (it's my problem not theirs) then lose a friend as well as a partner since I'm more bothered about being alone than being with the right partner. In my case I believe that it's a woman. I've really gotta stop doing it!

    The Descent? That's an unsual one haha An old friend of mine (my first girl crush) and Angelina Jolie are how I realised myself ^_^

    Haha and yeah I know lol L word rocks! (!)