Hello everyone. For years I thought about joining a forum such as this, but never got around to doing it. I've finally decided that I'm at an age where I need support and advice from people who will listen and not judge. I'm struggling more now that I'm older. My mom keeps asking why I haven't been dating and my excuse is that I'm not ready for a relationship. That is so far from the truth because I want a relationship, just not with a man. I used to view myself as bisexual, but now I'm not so sure. I do find some men attractive, but I never see myself being with a man. I've dated a guy before and it was ok. When I was with a woman, I knew right away that it was much different than being with a man. It's much more personal and sensual. So I'm actually questioning my sexuality again. I never see me telling my mom because she's so convinced that I'm straight. No one can tell that I'm not straight. I'm not sure if I'm good at hiding it, or if it's just my personality. My family is very conservative and frowns upon same sex relationships. Though, my sister has known for years and has been very supportive. I'm not afraid that my mom will stop loving me, because I know she will love me no matter what. I guess I'm more afraid of facing her and disappointing her. She doesn't think that being gay is a choice. She thinks that there are people who are actually gay, but that it's up to them to not act upon their urges. It's so easy for someone who is straight to see it that way. I feel like I will spend my life faking relationships with men just to please my mom and slowly become distant from her in order to hide the truth.
Welcome! So I actually had a similar discussion earlier with a friend, and I'm glad you're willing to assess your own sexuality the way you have. I think what you seem most concerned about is your family..which is definitely understandable. For me, coming out to my family was painfully difficult. My father is an elder (kind of like a deacon) at our town's church, when I was younger my mother brought in bumper stickers to church one Sunday saying "marriage = 1 man + 1 woman (it had pictures, though)," and both of my parents are conservatives who watch fox news and televangelists. HOWEVER, you need to remember that you're their daughter! You're their daughter, and that means that what you think and feel has some influence over what they think. That's why coming out is so great - it turns "gay" people into just...people! So yeah, I would test the waters with a conversation about gay marriage or something and then find the best method to tell them (which doesn't HAVE to be face-to-face. I told my sister through a letter). Good luck :]
Wow, you definitely had a challenge to face. I hope everything worked out for you. I think I'm partially at fault for making my mom believe I'm straight. I guess you could say I have a "straight personality". She has actually asked me if I liked women because she thought it was a bit odd that a lot of my friends were gay/bisexual. I kept lying to her, though. What's even worse is that we have the same taste in men... well, I know her taste and I can identify whether or not a man is attractive. I think that if I tell her, she will be completely shocked to know that I've been lying for years. She always brags to her friends that I'm a lot like her when it comes to taste in clothes, men, home decor, etc. I've actually had a conversation with her about it. I said, "What would you do if I was gay?" She said, "Well, I guess I'd have to learn to live with it, but that doesn't mean I'd be ok with it." Then I said, "What would you do if I was bisexual?" And she said, "Why? Are you?" And I lied of course. I know this is my life and that I should worry about what makes me happy. But my mom's happiness also makes me happy. I know that she won't be ok with me being with a woman. People keep telling me not to worry about what she thinks or how she feels. But I can't help but care about what she thinks. I truly appreciate your response. It did help me. I hope that one day I can tell her. I just don't see it happening anytime soon.
It seemed like a huge challenge at the time, but now i'm kind of like "really? I didn't think my parents loved me like they do?" It's a hard thing to come to terms with I think. Remember, once you come out to your family, there will also be situations where they'll have to come out themselves as your family member. Knowing when to come out is also important, though. If you don't think it's that important that they know, or they're paying for school or something, it might be best to wait it out. Just don't let yourself wait through your inevitable happiness
I think the best thing for me to do is wait for now. I'm still living at home and trying to find a better paying job so I can finally move out on my own. I think once I move out my mom will have to understand that when kids move on, they also find out who they really are. I really do appreciate your responses. You were very helpful.
