Its so easy for me to hang myself right now...

I am very sorry you are having such a crap time. Please know that there are lots of people in the world who love you and care about you, even if you don't know who they are.

I know everyone tells you that suicide is never the answer, but it really isn't. I like to think that every day is an adventure. Yes, the day may bring nothing but crap, but it also could bring new joy and wonder. Tomorrow could be the best day of your life, if you kill yourself you would miss it.

It is good that you have a psychologist that you can talk to. Definitely keep in touch her and use your "coping plan"

Hang in there. In my experience things really do get better, you just have to give them some time.

Please post an update and let us know how it is going.

 

Have you ever been to the hospital before. When I went I thought it was going to be the worst thing in the world. Now I look back with nostalgia. It was so nice to be with people who were struggling like me and people who cared about me and asked what was wrong. Everyone was so ice and supportive. I really miss it. Plus, I haven't seriously attempted suicide since I went and I don't think i will.

 

I'm in agreement with JohnJuan - use your coping mechanism. You've been given this tool for good reason, so get some use out of it.

I would also encourage you to make an emergency appointment with your counselor and talk to her about this. The impulse to lie to make things "simpler" is understandable, but she can't help you if she doesn't know what's up. Tell her exactly what you've said here - that you're having trouble, but you don't want to go to a hospital.

Also, feel free to PM me or any staff member anytime. We're always here to talk.

 

.....reading this made me so sad and it's like the weather is reflecting my (our?) mood as it's currently storming in Brisbane.

*hugs*

i honestly don't know what to say, apart from what others have already said. please, please see your psychiatrist or anyone else who can help you through this. you may feel yourself to be a burden, but to your psychiatrist i'm sure you're not. i'm sure she's genuinely concerned for you and doesn't see anything you might ask of her as being a burden on her. i admit that i don't really know what all rests on your shoulders right now, but suicide is never the answer to anything.... whatever it is that is hurting you, please persevere through it, even if you need others' help to do so. it will so be worth it. please, whatever you do, do not harm yourself or take your own life.

 

"why bother anymore"? i'm finding myself having to swallow back saying things that i'm sure you are already aware of, especially since i don't really know your situation. it's an understatement to say the least that it's horrible that you feel like the world is on your shoulders.... given what you said, you're probably having a hard time looking beyond the present towards the future. however, let me assure you that there is a future, provided you don't rob yourself of it, and it will not be the same as the present. if you can make it through the present and keep reaching towards a better future, it will come. it WILL. i'm just so sorry that it's so hard for you getting there....

about your psychiatrist getting in trouble if something happens to you, that doesn't matter nearly as much as your general well being. i don't really know you, but i am completely confident in saying that you would be doing the world and your family a huge disfavor in killing yourself. the world has been doing itself a huge disfavor in treating you crappily, to say the least. but seriously, do yourself a favor and don't give up on yourself or the world.

seriously. staying alive will be for the better.

 

Hey *hugs* ive just gotten out of that dark place and i dont ever want to go back. I found psychological treatment worked for a time but it comes to a point where you need to decide for yourself what you want to do. Yes committing suicide would be a very selfish thing to do, but being in that dark place, its hard to think things through rationally. You need to find something bigger than yourself to put your faith and trust in, whether that be in spirituality, finding a purpose to living, finding something to look forward to in life... I know its a shit place to be in. I know its hard and it feels like death is the only way out. But its not. You can get through this.

I got out of thar dark place by finding a group of people who loved and accepted me for who I am. I also have a goal to work towards - starting college next year; a dream to fulfill - finding the right girl for me; a destination I want to end up at - being a school counselor; and a higher purpose to fulfil; going to africa one day and helping in an orphanage.

It may feel like the end of the road, but there is so much more life to be had! Life isnt always going to be easy. But if you have a dream to work towards, people to love you and a love for yourself, you can do anything! im here if u ever want to talk

 

Really?

But seriously now.
I've only ever skirted the edges of depression, so I can barely imagine what a dark place you must be in to be so close to giving in. I really don't feel qualified to lend any advice, but you still have my sympathy and encouragement.
So don't let yourself give up! Please!
I'm sure there's a better place on the horizon if you just keep pushing through.
That might seem cliche but I don't care, it's 100% heartfelt.
I hope you find a way through.
(*hug*)

 

I understand the urge to not want to lean on someone and be that "burden." But if it helps, think of it this way - this is her job, and you're not being a burden by helping her do her job better (i.e., by being honest).

I'm not sure how she would get in trouble if something happened to you - did she tell you this herself, or are you getting this from someone else?

 

Remember OP, that once you start your fall with the noose around your neck, you don't get to say "Oh crap, I forgot something!" Life is fleeting and precious, while death is cheap and forever. You've already got life and will get death eventually, so why throw away your greatest possession to trade for one you'll get sooner or later anyway?

 

Please do not do this. I have seen this over and over again, let me tell you, the pain you cause will last for the rest of everyone else's lives, the pain you are in now is only temporary.

Let me tell you some things I know for certain: People don't commit suicide because they are selfish, or because they want to die. They commit suicide because they are in so much pain they can't stand it, and they just want things to get better but don't know how, or think it ever will.

Your life WILL get better if you hold on, I can promise you that for sure. It takes a lot of work, I'm not saying it's going to be easy or very fast, but it is possible to go from very suicidal to very, very happy with life and never feeling that way again. I did it, I promise you can too. Just take one day, or one hour at a time. Distract yourself. Try to do things you enjoy. Try to connect to others. Be open to help, and humble in accepting it - don't resist to be brave or proud or any of that nonsense, none of it means much when you're dead. Look at this thread and find how many people care about you. Find positive things to read every day, watch things that make you laugh, don't feel guilty, set yourself free. Play some music, try dancing. These are not cures, but they are good things to do while you are waiting to get in a better place.

I reiterate, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I'll tell you another true thing about mental illness, trust is everything. Your therapist and doctors (and a family member or friend if you have a close one) need to know they can trust what you say. I think you need to call your therapist immediately and tell her you're sorry, you lied about how you were feeling because you were afraid, you promise you will never do it again. If you think you will be safe, work out a plan with her so that you can be entered into the hospital voluntarily in a few weeks, if you are still struggling by then. Also have an emergency plan in case you need it sooner, she can be in touch with the hospital doctors then, they will contact her. It is really, really important that you are always honest with the most important people in your care, if you want them to ever trust what you say about how you feel again, so you can be believed in future. She sounds very trustworthy and not extreme, some would commit you immediately - show her a reward for that trust in you by trusting her to tell her the truth.

You really want to go in voluntarily if you are going to go at all, so cooperate. It will be better for how you are treated, and how soon you can be released. It is not such a bad thing to be in a hospital if you are already used to taking medication, and if you go to a nice one. Some places are not very kind, but some are really so compassionate and wonderful - ask your doctors about were they have heard is the best, and see if they have openings in case you decide you need it. It's not so bad, just very boring, other people will be there who are going through similar things and you may actually like talking to them. Or you may enjoy the rest time, to be away from responsibilities and pressures for a while. If you need help to not kill yourself, a psychiatric hospital is the best option. They will monitor you a lot, though, so although they will be pleasant you may find it hard to get solid sleep. There are visitor hours, usually you can wear whatever is comfortable (but no belts or jewelry), it's kind of like staying home sick. It can be very comforting. Sometimes you'll have group therapy, and then there will be individual, you'll get to pick out meals from a cafeteria menu, you'll meet with whatever doctor is overseeing your treatment plan, and you'll evaluate what supports you need to return home. Once you are stable on whatever change of meds may have been needed, and there is an outpatient plan in place and you feel ready, you'll be released. No one needs to know, if you have work or school you can get a general note from the hospital, nothing about what it was or even that it was psychiatric.

OK? So no fears, alright? It is an ok place, and is great help if you are afraid you are going to act on it and may not be able to stop yourself. But if you do have control, I urge you to not feel guilty about wanting to die, you just want the pain to stop. Please don't do it this way, it is really unnecessary. If you hold on, everything is going to get better and you will be so glad you lived to see it. Think, for instance, how many killed themselves because they believed being gay would never be accepted in our society, and how much different things are today where one can even get married legally in a lot of states. So many kill themselves because of feeling lonely, or unwanted. But you are clearly wanted, and whatever the problems you are dealing with, I can bet you anything they will get better if you just breathe and give it time. Work on daily stress management like deep breathing and stretching, and all the stuff I mentioned earlier, most of suicidality is not being able to cope with panic attacks and anxiety. You CAN live through this, and you WILL be ok. You can find a way to live your life exactly the way you want to live it, and to have friends and loved ones who support you in that life, you really can.
It is totally understandable that right now the pain is so much it feels like it is too much to live through, that it is worse than what others live through and when they say to stay alive they don't know what they're talking about because their lives are so easy - this is what everyone suicidal thinks. I can tell you, from someone who has survived, I am so happy now, and I would never ever want to leave before my time now. I am so sad for all the friends I lost, every sunset I see I feel a little pain, because I think how much beauty they missed today that I know they would have loved, that we could have shared if they had just held on one more day. Please stay, so you can one day enjoy the sunset with your loved ones together - you have no idea how much you impact people, even people who barely know you. Please be open to learning what kind of steps it takes for you to get better, every single one of us has a way out if we just find out what it is. Breathe, and write, or draw, or watch something funny... whatever it takes to get your mind off this for a bit.
(&&&) (*hug*) (&&&)

 

ok... HELL YES you need to make an emergency appointment and talk to her. I mean fuck you have the perfect way to hang yourself you said. You have a way and a plan the next step is doing it and you already said you are impulsive.

Just think about this. When you hang yourself like that you crap your pants. Do you want anyone to find you with a steamer in your pants? I wouldn't.

Ok so now that you have an adverse thought call your psychologist. Like now.

 

really glad to hear that, DJNay. i think the advice given to you is definitely worth following and i sincerely hope that the visit with your psych will help you get through the upcoming holidays. best wishes.

 

I'm glad you called her. I slit my wrist and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. Stayed a week in the mental health facility. I was pissed at first and for several reasons. Reasons like the fact that I didn't actually kill myself, that I was going to be stuck in a ward with a bunch of crazies, and that I didn't want all that attention. HOWEVER, the week long stay in the ward really really helped me and I am so glad that I didn't kill myself and I'm very thankful that I got the help that I desperately needed. I just have a gnarly scar now that I look at when I'm feeling down to help remind me about the help I got and how much better things can be when you don't give up. If I were there I'd give you a giant hug.

 

Okay, I know this sounds so cliche to say at the moment, but I beg of you: PLEASE, please, please, please, please, PLEASE do not hang yourself. Please do not hurt yourself. I know that it's the internet and that don't really know any of us in real life, but even so, it would kill me to think of you or anyone else on here ending their life in that way -- in any way. I know that it seems like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, but I promise you that ending your life isn't the way to go. You're so young, and from your profile, you are clearly a beautiful/handsome person that deserves more chances at this life. Suffering feels, well, incredibly painful when it's actually happening... like it will never end. Trust me, I know. But please give yourself some more opportunities to work on your problems. Your shrink was (is) right to be concerned, and honestly, being in a hospital -- no matter how unbearable it sounds -- is probably a lot better for her and you than to hear that one of her patients committed suicide. Just imagine hearing that about a person you care so much for. It's heartbreaking.

Pain is often temporary, even if it feels like it isn't. Sometimes you just have to keep trudging on in life, knowing that eventually you will be able to see some form of light soon down the road. We've all been through situations like this before, and we have gotten through it. I believe you can too if you allow yourself the time.

Also, there's no need to feel like you're a burden on your shrink. She chose this profession and I'm sure she knew what she was getting into when she came into it. I'm also sure that one of the joys that she gets out of it is being able to help care for her patients in their biggest time of need. If these kind of things were such a burden on her, she wouldn't be in this profession. You aren't the first person who has told her of suicidal thoughts before, and she has prepared to deal with this type of situation so that she can help you to the best of her ability. Remember that, okay? She is there to help you first and foremost, not make your troubles feel like a burden.

I've typed enough now, but no matter what time it is or what you're feeling, please feel free to PM me personally if you feel the need to talk, or even just vent about what you're going through. I'd be more than happy to listen and to help you through this. And don't hesitate to keep posting on here and checking in to tell us how you're coping.

 

Hey DJNay,I also struggle with frequent suicidal thoughts and I know it can be really hard. I think the fact that you are asking advice shows that you don't want to die deep down. I hope you know that you have our support and no one wants you to take your life.

 

You will be ok..I know it's tough but this too shall pass...