This thread is not asking for advice, but more about me trying to give advice. I've read through a lot of theads here asking advice about crushes, and a lot of them involve the question of eye contact. Here's my story: Almost a year ago, I noticed this guy in my class who seemed to look at me a lot. It seemed to me he was trying to show interest in me. That's when my crush on him started. So I started returning his eye contact. Sometimes the eye contact would last several seconds. This happened almost every day at school for almost a year. Then I noticed he always acted differently when I was around, quiet, shy, kinda nervous. And I would overhear things between him and his friends that would indicate he was interested in my (that I now know I misinterpreted). I was almost positive he liked me. But why didnt' he ever say anything to me? I wanted to tell him how I felt, so bad. I was always so nervous around him, so I seriously considered emailing him to tell him how I felt. I'm now happy I never did, because I would have really embarrassed my self. So school is now finished, and this past weekend a bunch of us went on a trip to Montreal to celebrate, my crush included. I was excited, I tried not to get my hopes up, but I thought, if anythings going to happen between us, it will be this weekend. My hopes were dashed pretty quick. It quickly became apparent that not only was he not gay, he's actually quite the playboy with the girls. He talked about girls the whole weekend, showed me a pic of this girl he likes, went to a strip club, danced with girls at the dance clubs, the whole 9 yards. I was disappointed, but tried not to show it and have fun, and I did, it was a great weekend. But I was left thinking WTF??? How can I have been so wrong about him? I was so sure! What was with all the eye contact? I mean, it was almost daily. I'm so confused! Maybe I was just someone he wanted to be friends with (we did get along great on the trip). Maybe he knew I liked him, and kept looking at me because of that. IDK. It's nice to know how things stand now, but in a way it's even worse, because I got to know him, and I now know what a great guy he is. Nice, fun to be around, funny. Very different from the shy quiet guy I saw at school. Now schools over, and it's almost certain that I will never see him again, so now I have to start to get over him. Today was the first day, and it's not going so well. I keep thinking about him and trying to figure everthing out. I've been crushing on this guy for almost a year, and now that I know it's not meant to be, I'm left thinking... now what? So, with all that said, my advice to anyone with a crush who you dont know well and trying to figure out if they're gay or not and if they like you back: Regarding eye contact, don't put much thought into it. This guy gave me all the eye contact you can ever hope for, and still nothing. Get to know them first before you get your hopes up. If I got to know him a long time ago, I would have saved myself a lot of time. If they show any interest in the opposite sex at all, forget about them as soon as possible, because it will only end in heartache for yourself.
Can you bold this part lol: " Regarding eye contact, don't put much thought into it. " what if I know that 99.999% of the guy's sign is straight and I am still showing some interest lol
I'm in a similar situation, except that I actually knew my crush was bisexual. We're like twins at school, always spending class together, hanging out at lunch in the library, etc. When we talk, we frequently gaze into each others eyes, etc. There was even some platonic hugging. However, I've decided to end my romantic interest in him, since I realized that after 4 months of inviting him to hang out and do things, he never returned anywhere near the same level of effort in our friendship. I think the confusing thing about same sex relations, is that that we often judge how another person of the same gender likes how based upon how people of the opposite gender interact with us. For example, teenage guys will usually not have long conversations just for the sake of talking with girls they do not like, and things like lots of eye contact accompanied by smiling usually only happens between guys and girls who like each other. When it comes to socializing with members of the same sex however, it's much more common for guys to chat a lot, to grin at each other, etc. Although it's less common for guys to hug or touch, it still happens, especially jokingly. Straight guys especially usually act very familiar with other guys, since they have no romantic interest in them, and that's just what guys do. However, when you have a crush on one, you'll find yourself interpreting ordinary friendship signals as having more meaning than they really do. I think the best way to know if a guy likes you beside asking him if he's gay/bi or straight up whether he like you or not, is to consider how much effort and time he invests into spending one on one time with you. Most straight friends will hang out to do things, and usually not all the time (and often in groups). If he really likes you, he'll jump on any opportunity to spend some time alone with you, not needing an excuse. Furthermore, he'll definitely start asking you to hang out with him alone once he's somewhat sure that you're gay too. Another good indicator is how happy/sad he is based upon whether or not he is able to hang out with you. If you're just friends, he'll probably not be bothered in the least if you're to busy to hang out, if he looks really disappointed, he probably likes you. Friends also may have more of a tempermental relationship; for example, he may seem really aloof when he's tired or down, whereas a crush will usually seem happy to see you regardless. Remember, friends relationship is based upon enjoying doing things together, a love relationship is based upon just being with the person. I'm sure anyone who's had a crush before can agree, you'd be willing to just sit and talk to the person for hours, the entire day, how about never stopping xD. A friend will demand some external entertainment. Of course, some straight guys just like spending more personal time with guys than others, but the amount of effort your crush puts into being with you, and just you, is a much better judge of whether they like you, than flirting behaviors/body language. Basically, the best indicator of interest is how much effort a person is willing to invest into a relationship. Friends hang out with each other every now and then, a person who likes you will want to spend as much time as possible with you (they won't say that, but you'll notice they never get tired of hanging out).
I would be itching to know why he held eye contact. If someone you were looking at started looking back at you, you would break contact. At least that is what I would do. Or smile at them I guess but I wouldn't just continue to look at them. I'm sorry your crush turned out to be straight but thanks for posting, and yes I think Eternity is also right in his analysis of how we interperet interaction between the sexes. Let this serve as a warning to all! BUt still...WHY was he looking at you that much in the first place!? ARG!
I don't want to make assumptions about this guy in particular, but this situation happens for people all the time and the reason ends up being the person was closeted. In a group of guys, particularly when a crush happens to be there, one who is super not ready might feel pressure to act excessively straight to prove something to others or just to himself. I could be very wrong about this guy, but it is true for other guys. It could be that he stared at you all that time because he's into you. It could be that he's attracted to you but doesn't even realize it - so many have done this without even realizing the reason, because they have not considered if they were gay before. The thing is, even if he is actually gay or bi, that doesn't help you much, because he is clearly far from being ready to admit it. Some people take quite a few years to figure it out. And then again, maybe he's just straight and found something about you fascinating, or was lost in thought... but since you are really hung up on WHY, that might be a reason, and perhaps knowing a plausible explanation will make you feel better. In future, you will meet people who are both into you AND not afraid to show it, so it's ok to let this one just be a friendship if that never changes. Sorry though, this is a serious bummer!
Great posts, cliffhanger and 4AllEternity. Thanks for all the advice. I've been crushing on this one guy for years now. The difference is I know he's straight, so friendship is all I will get from him. Still, I sometimes tend to misinterpret some of his behaviour, I just can't help myself.
Hey guys, thanks for your comments and making me feel like I'm not going completely insane. I'm so itching to know why,you have no idea. I've gone through everything that's happened so many times and I'm just baffled. I just don't see how you can look at someone so often without being interested in them. I'd never look at someone so much if i wasnt' interested, male or female. And it was also how he looked at me. Like if we were in class, he would turn to look right at me as if he always knew where I was. Or if I was walking down the hall with friends, he would turn and look right at me, and hold eye contact until I broke it off, without ever looking at my other friends. I could sit here and tell you everything that went on to make me think he was interested, but it would be a novel. Even on our trip, I found that he gave little indications that he liked me. The way he talked to me was different from others, talking about me behind my back with his buddys when he thought I wasn't listening, little compliment here and there. And at one point we were all climbing up a little wall, and he goes to give me a hand as if to help me up, meanwhile theres a girl there trying to get up too. And he wants to give me a hand? wtf? I'm not that short, don't look like a weakling. Just thinking about all this, I know it's probably all just wishful thinking, but when adding everything up makes me so confused. I still think about just asking him like yo buddy, what was with all the eye contact? But I'm sure I would just get lies, and like I said I'll most likely never see him again, and now I just wanna let it go, as sad as that makes me feel right now. I've definitely considered this as a possibility, and I guess it's the only thing that kinda makes sense. But then I think about what went on this weekend and I think "Really? would somebody go that far to prove something. Particularly in front of someone you supposedly like?" Just doesn't make sense to me. I've went through a million possible reasons why. Maybe he's bi and just repressing the gay side of it because he doesnt wanna deal with the related issues. Maybe this, maybe that. Anyway, I've never been so confused in my life, and the worst part is I will probably never know.
I know three guys in my high school class who were rumored to be gay and they denied it and after high school i found out they are were all actually gay. It is not like they were homophobic or anything they just did not want to say anything about it to everyone. Anything is possible and my situation proved that my gaydar is actually pretty good.
haha I was one of those guys in high school. I'm not obviously gay, but sometimes when I get excited about something it comes out, just enough for people to suspect. And so the rumours started, but I always denied it. I know some people don't come out til very late. I personally know someone that didn't come out til his late forties after being married with children. My gaydar has proven to be pretty bad. I've had 4 major crushes in my life. The first I knew wasnt gay. The other three I believed to be gay, for some time at least. 2 I told my feelings to. And both ended up being straight. And then theres this guy. I'm still considering telling him, just because I hate things being left unresolved. I hate the feeling of 'what if?' He doesn't know I'm gay, but I know he suspects it. If he knows for sure maybe then he'd say something? Otherwise if he says from his own mouth he's 100% straight, I think I'd be able to move on easier, like the last 2 times were. But I probably wont end up doing it.
Maybe he was just looking for male affection, but sexually he's not into guys. I've caught myself doing that with gay guys. Like you love the fact they're into you, but you've never even liked fantasizing about guys. For instance, I was looking at two girls kissing and it really did it for me, but two guys doing it, at least on a screen, I can admit that they're very good looking guys and all, but I just don't get that sexual rush in my mind as I do from girls. But some guys love the attention, though they may be straight. Just sexually, they're not traditionally into guys. I get a rush from guys looking at me too, but when I go home to think about the hotties in my day, it's the girls, not the guys. Unless I'm totally closeted or something. I also loved going to strip clubs and picking up girls. Some of the highlights of my life. But actually, it kind of freaked me out too, that I might have been romantically almost inclined to guys, though sexually it doesn't really seem to do much for me, no matter how much I try to accept my gay/bi side.
Absolutely, quite a few guys do. That's not saying that's what happened with your friend, because each person has their own story, but a LOT of men are so afraid, or so deep in denial and actually clueless about their own feelings, that they do act hyper-hetero even when they are totally gay. We can't tell for sure. My vote though will be for "bi and focused more on women right now," or "gay but totally clueless about his own feelings and unaware that he was being weird to you or not sure why he was." You know, it could also be that he really needs emotional connection, like someone said, and you guys do seem to connect on a somewhat deeper level, but perhaps right now he is avoiding that because he is not ready or does not want to get hurt for whatever reason, and is more focused on instant gratification casual situations like the strippers afford - particularly if he is bi. There are actually a lot of reasons someone could feel a connection to someone but not pursue it, if you think about it.
I was thinking that maybe he's just looking for someone to admire him. I would look for that from women, but they wouldn't pay me mind, so it hurt a lot. Then I'd wind up doing what this guy would do, but no matter how hard I tried, I could never get off to guys. Always girls. So probably I'm straight, like this guy might possibly be, but just I think gay guys might be more willing to give that attention than girls, so it fits some emotional need, but possibly not a sexual one. Hence the love for strippers and instant gratification like porn or whatever in my case. And strippers for me too. I think that's the reason I've been questioning and I wound up here on this website. That no matter how hard I try to be gay, because of this, I always keep coming back to girls. Though somehow I wish I could accept being gay, but it doesn't work at all. Maybe I'm really closeted, and my mind is convinced I'm gay, but I just always keep coming back to girls in my heart and mind. Weird, huh?
I guess something like this is possible, although I don't understand it. I've known a few girls over the years that have liked me, and as soon as I found out they did I would freak out and try to show less attention to make sure they knew I wasn't interested, so as not to keep stringing them along. He must have known I was at least somewhat interested in him, but if that situation you described is the case, don't you find it a bit cruel to keep showing interest in someone, giving eye contact almost everyday for a year, but not actually be interested. I mean guys look at me all the time, but if I'm not interested I don't give eye contact, I'll just look away. I think that would be the normal thing to do no? It's just unbelievable to me that the amount of eye contact we had (sometimes lasting way longer than is normal between two people who barely know each other) didn't mean more than that. Do 2 completely straight guys look at each other like that? I really doubt it. Even if one was straight and suspected the other guy of liking him, would he? You suggested you would, but to keep it going on for a year? Really? Wouldn't he get creeped out? That's my situation now, If he is completely straight, I would think he would be creeped out by me always looking at him by now. But he never gave any hints at that. And he often times would look at me first. bahhh No offense, but you sound really confused too, without needing to be. From what you said you dont sound gay at all, but for some reason you almost want to be, maybe because you're not getting the attention you need from the ladies. But you're just making things more complicated for yourself by trying to be gay. ---------- Post added 22nd Dec 2012 at 07:13 PM ---------- It definitely could be one of those. I'm thinking the first to be more likely. I didn't write down the whole story, because like I said earlier, it would be a novel. But based on things I overheard him say, or others say to him, I was under the impression that his friends knew he was into guys, which makes things even more confusing for me. That would rule out the "gay but trying to hide it by being manly in front of friends" thing. But that could be me misinterpreting all that based on wishful thinking. Maybe I'll write some of those out later.
