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Have you ever thought:"Am I really gay?"

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by TheCatLady, Dec 18, 2012.

  1. TheCatLady

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    "Am I just convincing myself I am gay while I'm not??"
     
  2. None

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    I don't think there is such a thing as someone "convincing" themselves to be gay .. what makes you think that ?

    You are either gay or you aren't .. if anything .. you may be trying to convince yourself of being straight .. not the other way around .. its common for people trying to shield themselves to simply deny how they feel .. which only delay's the inevitable ...

    Can you provide more information about your situation ?

    And welcome to EC :slight_smile: ...
     
  3. Luke Matt

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    Just ask yourself this question: Am I (sexually) attracted to guys or girls?

    If you answered: girls, then you're a lesbian & there really is no need to question your sexuality. You can't 'convince' yourself to be attracted to a particular gender of person, you either are or you aren't.
     
  4. Caudex

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    I have the same problem--don't worry. Right now, I'm assuming I'm gay, but I'm really not sure. The reason is that I don't experience sexual feelings yet, so I can't really tell. But I just generally enjoy looking at scantily clad men than women. Since you're older, you might have a different problem, but do what others are suggesting--simplify it like I do, and you can be fairly certain.
     
  5. TheCatLady

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    First of all, thank you so much for you welcome...I'm so glad I've found this place, it's amazing and you guys are always so kind and supportive!! So..I'm 24...I have been living my life as an heterosexual, but I have always felt that something was missing...I dated lots of guys but I was never happy, never fulfilled...I thought I was not normal, that something was wrong with me, that I was not able to love, I was already bored of sex at the age of 20!! I have to say that I'm a a very coward person, in general... I've always been attracted by female celebrities, female friends, but I just thought "It's because I want to be like her!"... I've never been in love and I've never really enjoyed sex with males...To have an orgasm with a man I must touch myself while having sex... I've lived in a small country in Italy and I even didn't know about the existence of female homosexuality in my early adolescence...I knew nobody who was a lesbian... But, I've always felt the need to kiss other girls, first times with friends, it was a sort of game, but then, when I went to university and I went in discos or parties I got really drunk and I don't know how (because I was too devastated to remember) but I often found myself kissing to another girl...It was like I really felt the need to be with another girl... but I just thought it was normal, as I thought it was normal to be obsessed just with female celebrities or to watch photos of naked females on the internet and so on... I've always kind of felt I wanted to try to have sex with another woman but I never had the courage to do it....I have also always felt good in beeing "the male" of the situation, buying roses to my friends, carrying heavy things and so on.. I always kept on starting ridiculous stories with men I didnt really liked, but I was afraid of beeing alone, I needed someone to be there for me... I've never searched for guys, they flirted with me, then we became friends, then they wanted something more, I gave it to them and the I usually got attached to them, but it wasn't love it was more like brother-sister love. And damn it, I wanted LOVE, I wanted to understand what lovesongs and poetries talked about...The thought of beeing an entire life with a man, the thought of marriage just makes me feel so awful..
    I started seriously questioning when I had a crush on this tutor at university...she was so smart, I loved her voice, the way she moved, ecc... I was obsessed by her, I had a lot of dreams where I was with her and had sex with her.l.. but nothing happened... from that moment I have started noticing that when I'm on the street I turn my head only to look at attractive girls, I've started watching lesbian porn and I'm so turned on by it! I feel the need to try to have a story with another girl... I find men more and more unattractive, I probably don't want to be with one of them in the future, but I'm still confused..I'm also full of envy when I see happy lesbian couples on tv or in real world.. I'm always questioning, always testing myself because it's like there are two voices in my head, one saying that I am a lesbian and the other one saying that I'm trying to convince myself of that...but why would I WANT to be a lesbian if I'm not???? That's why I'm asking if it's possible to convince youself that you are gay while you are not...
     
  6. iamveryconfused

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    I'm sort of accepting I'm gay now I used to wonder, not really denial because I don't really care about being gay there's nothing wrong with it.
     
  7. None

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    The answer remains the same .. you CAN'T convince yourself of being a lesbian .. you can do it the other way (be a lesbian and try to convince yourself of being straight) but never the first .. especially when you mentioned a lot of things thats been happening ever since you were young and still happening ...

    And lets get a base line here .. love isn't sex .. sex is a result of love .. sex is simply the natural expression of the love that two people have for each other .. it may be the result of sexual attraction or true attraction based on feelings .. but in both cases when the love / attraction does not exist .. sex becomes boring and meaningless .. sometimes even a chore to be had .. which isn't what its really supposed to be .. your attraction happens to be mainly about the same sex .. that is all there is to it ...

    You have been through a lot growing up (the events of everyone's adolescence I mean) .. there is so much and a lot of you changes with it .. yet ever since you started going through it until now .. you have felt the same way .. its much more natural to be with the same sex unlike being with the other sex .. which at first was a novelty to you and you loved it for it .. but then with time .. as the novelty wore off .. you went back to your true feelings ...

    So if you ask me .. you aren't trying to convince yourself of being homosexual .. you are simply a bit confused and coming out of your state of denial for the past while .. and don't worry its not a problem .. it will take you some time to figure yourself out .. and even if its possible that people can convince themselves of being homosexual .. your case is defiantly isn't .. because you have facing the same feelings for what now ? 10 years or more ? .. and those were your adolescence years out of all your years :lol: .. the time where one day you love rock .. the second rock sucks and beethoven is the new thing :lol: .. by the night it becomes rap .. and in the middle of all that your feelings remained adamant about the same sex .. even if you managed to get distracted from them for a bit of time they return .. again and again .. so no .. its impossible to be that way .. and even if it was .. then you aren't the one going through that ...

    As for being the "Male" of the situation .. it doesn't really mean you are homosexual .. it means you like to care for someone in a certain way .. sure .. some lesbians love to be in charge (be the male) .. but really in the end .. that doesn't mean that you can be a lovely girly girl who takes 3 hours in front of the mirror every day before going out .. want to work as a fashion designer .. always played with nothing but barbie dolls and loves the same sex as her ...

    Its ok to be confused .. its normal .. and if anything its a sign of progress .. eventually you will reach a truth you accept .. you just need to talk it out .. try to talk to someone about it who will understand .. a friend maybe ? .. a close friend who you think will be able to understand .. talk to him/her (mostly a her would be a better choice .. but hey .. you never know) about it .. how you felt for the past while .. I am sure they will help .. and eventually when you are sure enough of yourself .. find a relationship with someone like you .. and just live your life the way that makes you comfortable .. its not an easy life or a choice that you made where you are right now .. but you have a choice now .. you can either deny your feelings like you did so far (which I believe didn't make you happy or else we wouldn't be talking right now) and try to live your life hiding what you feel like .. or .. you can work a bit hard with yourself .. come in terms with who you are .. get in touch with your own feelings .. and then you will know what you really want ...

    Btw .. don't be discouraged .. ask anyone here .. its the hardest thing in the world to have to come out to yourself .. just to know and acknowledge yourself is the hardest step .. everything is much more easier in comparison .. stick on the site here .. talk about yourself freely .. find out others on the site having the same problems you are having and find out what their take on it was .. with time .. you will reach the peace of mind you are seeking .. it takes time and effort on your part but the results are worth it in the end ...
     
  8. Emberblaze

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    I ask myself the same question all the time, and honestly it really bugs me and scares me at the same time. I don't wanna be lying to myself ya know? And I know for sure I'm not straight, so when I question myself, it's I'm either gay or bi with a stronger preference to guys (hence my orientation status: kinsey 5, sometimes 6).

    In all honesty, at this point, I'd rather just be completely gay, I really would. If I had the opportunity to turn straight, I'd decline it in a heartbeat.

    I'm happy I'm gay, and that scares me. Cuz like you, I fear that I may be just lying to myself about being gay, that I may just be suppressing my feelings for girls just because.

    Kinda stupid, but, ya know
     
  9. TheCatLady

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    Thank you all for your answers!!! (*hug*) I don't know why but I have probably lived my entire life in complete denial... I have some memories sometimes,very vague, of my childhood...in one of them I kissed one of my little girl friends, and I was discovered by one of the nuns of my kindergarten (I had a catholic education till middle school, unfortunately) and they must have severely punished me... but this memory is very vague and I could be wrong... The strangest part is how can I have been so damn idiot not to give importance to all the little crushes I had in the past (for a female teacher at high school, I even dreamt to have sex with her, for a girl in my class and so on..), how can I have thought that it was normal, that all girls are attracted to other females?!?
     
  10. None

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    Well .. for physical reasons out of my power I cannot really understand if girls are normally attracted to other girls :lol: .. but really now .. its normal when you grew up in a catholic church (and I presume from it that you had a religious upbringing .. aka homosexuality is a sinful choice) that you end up subliminally rejecting your feelings .. but what makes it true is how it remains .. regardless of all that .. it keeps coming back in your head and make you question it :slight_smile: ...

    So the denial is ok .. in fact it wouldn't be right if you weren't in denial .. we are mostly products of our upbringing .. but we still have our own individual feelings in the middle of it .. on it all the other bits and parts of our personality get based on .. think of our deep feelings as the ground basis .. then parents and childhood environment based characteristics gets melted over that and then life is build over this base .. here is the thing with this .. the parents and childhood environment characteristics can be too much and are the most important .. too much of it can cover the ground layer .. the main layer .. your feelings .. but in the end .. even if that main layer covers the original completely .. the original remains there and it will lead to one of two choices .. it will either rock the whole building forever until it shows itself or you can accept it and allow it help shape the building which is your life :slight_smile: ...

    If it keeps rocking (it will never stop) the base eventually .. at worst case scenario .. the whole building will fall down .. it will first start with psychological problems and end up with your soul being lost .. or worse :frowning2: .. the only thing you can do is to find someway to accept those basic feelings .. find a way to suit YOU to accept it .. and you should not tear down the whole life you had in order to get those deep feelings out from under the ground .. that is wrong as well .. just accept them .. with time .. and allow them to breath freely .. and use that strong foundation to build a stronger unwavering building :slight_smile: ...

    Best of luck .. it takes time and effort .. but eventually you will be having the peace of mind you seek :slight_smile: .. I know you will ...
     
  11. myheartincheck

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    I was just thinking this today!!!

    I have no experience with women besides cuddling and flirting and sex dreams, and even though I'm 100% attracted exclusively to women at this point (and for quite a few years now that I notice it) I still think "Well what if I just meet a nice guy and find out I'm attracted to him? Then I'd have to explain to everyone I'm bi not gay and they'd think I was just confused..." O.O

    Once I have some experience with women if I ever get to, maybe it will help convince me a bit more lol
     
  12. Splenda

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    Hey OP just wanted to say that i'm facing the same thoughts myself but i'm in a straight relationship for the past 4 years so its even more complicated. Have you reached any answers?
     
  13. Anthemic

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    This is exactly how I feel a lot of the time. But I've come to realize that when I see myself in a few years, I see myself with a woman. I am only slightly attracted to men (unless it's Leonardo DiCaprio because he is FOOINE). Kissing a woman, touching a woman, and loving a woman is so much more sensual and deep than with a man, in my opinion. I have never had intercourse with a man, and even if I did, I know it wouldn't change my mind. So instead of referring to myself as bi-sexual, I see myself as a Kinsey 4-5 lesbian or "homoflexible." I can see a guy and think, "Dang, he's cute." But being with him is unappealing. Though, I can't help but flirt. >_>
     
  14. Maxis

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    YES.
    Even still a little bit nowadays.
    But then I ask myself if I'm sexually attracted to girls or guys, and the answer is always girls, so that's how I know.
     
  15. Oddish

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    I feel like this frequently. Sometimes I wonder if I really like girls, considering that I have limited experience with them, but at the same time.. the same argument can be used with heterosexuality. "How can you like boys, if you haven't done anything with them?". Heterosexuality isn't a default sexuality. :3 I'm attracted to girls, have been, and always will be.

    So, yes, I do know that girls are my cuppa tea.
     
  16. Kgirl

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    I can relate to A LOT of this! I have always assumed there was something wrong with me. I have always enjoyed the attention of guys being attracted to me but there is definitely something missing when we get intimate. But in my head at least, it feels different with a woman. But I've never experienced this :frowning2:
     
  17. Kay

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    The thought never entered my head. Once I figured out there was such a thing as a lesbian I was one and never questioned it. Nor would I ever trade it in or deny it. I adore my life and orientation. I sometimes wonder if straight women sit at home and wish they were lesbian. hehehehehehe
     
  18. Splenda

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    I wonder if this problem is a bit more common for women since for us, arousal is a bit more abstract and hard to measure. eg. (Sorry if this is tmi but...) I can get a faint tingling sensation throughout the day for seemingly no apparent reason and that really really confuses me because I wonder if that means I could be attracted both sexes on a very primal level even if mentally/emotionally I only think women are sexy.

    I get a proper throbbing feeling though if i watch lesbian porn but it still makes me question if I can get this feeling for men too because if i turn out to be bi I can keep my straight longterm relationship. Is there any easy way to just test my sexuality and remove all this doubt once and for all!
     
  19. TheCatLady

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    I think it's just my head that is playing tricks, I over think and over analyse everything and so I have this kind of doubts... I'v lived for 23 years thinking of being straight, so now it's quite difficult to see me as a lesbian. It's like sometimes I think I'm having these dreams, attractions, thoughts just because a part of me WANTS TO BE A LESBIAN, don't know why , maybe to feel different... I wouldn't have any problem being a lesbian, the thought of being one makes me so happy, but maybe for this reason I ask myself if I'm not one of those straight girls who would like to be lesbians...
     
  20. Splenda

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    OP i think you're a lesbian for the following reasons!
    I'm the exact same overthinking and overanalysing too :slight_smile:

    This is also a big fear of mine, what if I only think i'm a lesbian because I feel so different already...