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Lesbian? Bisexual? Does it matter? Confused...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Amelie, Dec 18, 2012.

  1. Amelie

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    Hi everyone,

    I'm almost 28years old and totally confused about my sexuality. I suppose I have been for a while but lately it is completely dominating my thoughts and I'm not sure what to do.

    I suppose I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads in my life because I think my next relationship should be "the" relationship if you know what I mean. I know that is a lot of pressure to put on yourself, but I can't help it. I want children eventually, whoever I end up with and time is ticking...

    So here's the dilemma. Should I be looking for a man or a woman? I fell like I don't have time to get it wrong..

    My backstory is that I started out back in puberty fantasizing only about women, and my first sexual encounters were exclusively with women. I came out to all my friends when I was 17 and had my first relationshop with a woman. And I totally fell for her.

    Then I went off to uni and it all got a bit trickier... I am naturally quite feminine looking and I have a "good" figure, so tend to be found very attractive by men. So for the first couple of years I got drunk a lot and slept with men, like all my friends. It seemed easier more than anything else... But I didn't have any relationships with them. Then in my third year, I got together with a woman who I was completely in love with. I came out to my family almost immediately and we were together for about 16mths. Then she cheated on me and broke my heart...

    After that I went to law school and met a girl there who I fell for but she had just got together with someone else so it didn't happen. I then spent 9mths trying to integrate into the "scene" in my city whilst pretending I could still be "friends" with this girl I liked but I really struggled. I met no-one I liked, I didn't really like the music/drug scene attached to it and I felt like I was destined to be single for ever.

    Then I met a guy. He was a friend of a friend's and lovely. He was kind, caring, gentle, sweet and we shared similar passions for travelling/climbing. So we got together and stayed together for 3 and a half years...We travelled the world and had some amazing times. But most of the time, he felt more like a best friend or the brother/father (I never had).

    Don't get me wrong, our sexual relationship initially was ok. I'd never really known or trusted a man before, so it was a time of exploration for me, with a guy who I could be completely open with. And with him I also learnt so much about the softness a man could have and that created a real "intimacy" within our relationship, we totally trusted one another.

    But the sex soon waned and by the last year, we did not have any at all.. I would have these nights too where I would wake up having fantazised about women and feel awful in the morning.

    Then one night, the girl from earlier (the one who I never got together with) kissed me on a night out when drunk and it was amazing. I'd wanted her for so long and it was amazing. She was (is) so beautiful. So the next day, I broke up with him. Not so we could get together, because she was still with her partner and I knew that would never change, but because I knew I wanted that kind of passion in my life.

    So we unravelled our lives, and I moved to a new city for a new job/fresh start.

    And here I am. I've been here a year and I have no idea where to start... I don't "look" like a lesbian, so girls never hit on me. The friends I have made up here are all straight so I don't really go out on the "scene". The one time I went it was awful anyway.. so I don't really want to go..

    The thing is, like I said, I want children. My family would be so much happier if I were with a guy, my life would be so much easier too. I work in the corporate world as a lawyer in a field dominated by men. Having to come out in this world will be difficult. I know that..

    I also know that there would be a lot of guys who would be interested, and if I just went out a bit more, and made myself available, I could be settled down with a "decent" guy in a couple of years, having a family etc. Like I said, my ex (the guy) taught me that there are guys out there who I can love and care for and who I can have a really close relationship. So a big part of me thinks, what more do I want? Everyone says sex dies off in a marriage anyway, so I'd just be like other straight people not having sex with my husband.

    But then there is the nagging concern in my heart that if I take that route, I could well end up 10 years down the line with 3 kids, a husband and then meet a woman who I fall for. And I know I wouldn't be able to resist. The connection I've experienced with women is far superior than what I ever feel with men...It is all encompassing and sensuous and more. So, then I'd just have a divorce, and 3 broken hearted kids...and I don't want that!!

    So here I am. Totally confused and scared of choosing the wrong path for the wrong reasons.

    Oh, one last thing, is that I would have to come out all over again, because my family seem to think my previous straight relationship "cured" me... tch!

    Thanks for reading/listening everyone... I'd appreciate any words of advice you have. I really don't know who else to talk to about this stuff..

    xxx
     
  2. curlycats

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    sorry, i don't really have any advice for you, but i just wanted to say you're not alone! i'm not in exactly the same situation as you, but similar in some ways.... 27, feeling the ticking of the biological clock + pressure from parents... the difference being that i'm currently in a long-term relationship with a man i love, but have only recently realized i'm pansexual. :x i can easily see myself marrying my partner and thankfully he accepts me for who i am, but the worry about sexual attraction fading and having a marriage and kids to deal with is on my mind....

    i hope you can find whatever path is right for you. :slight_smile: given what you've said, though, i'm inclined to say that you would probably be much better off with a woman.
     
  3. pinklov3ly

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    I think you are a lesbian, but that's just in my opinion. You're the only one who can define who you are and based on what you've said, I think you already know what it is that you want. I'm 26, never married, but I have three boys. I tried to conform to society, but it didn't work; I was miserable. I've only had one serious relationship with a guy with the father of my kids. I've been with him on and off for about 6 years and I love him, but I prefer to be with a woman. I've been with other men, but I always lost interest in them and I felt like something was missing. And now, I'm having trouble accepting it all again because I kinda hid back in the closet. I mean, I'm out because I've been with and have had relationships with women. My kids father thinks I'm going to leave him for a woman and he's kinda right. I'm tired of living a lie, and something is missing that I need/crave. That's my story :slight_smile:

    I think you already know what it is that you want and you can still have kids and get married. It may not be traditional, but who cares! This is your life to live, not your parents, friends and or family's life. You have to follow your heart and do what makes you happy. And I don't think you really need to come out again unless you want to. And I know what you mean, it's like just because I'm with a guy now, it doesn't mean I'm no longer interested in women.

    I don't know the future holds and I think about ”What if I regret my decision or make a mistake?” But I've been driving myself crazy asking myself that and it's what is holding me back. Embrace your feelings, it's an empowering feeling to be true to yourself.
     
    #3 pinklov3ly, Dec 18, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2012
  4. Amelie

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    Thanks for your response, especially as my post accidentally ended up being really long!

    Pleased to hear your partner accepts your sexuality and you are happy. Hopefully your worries will come to nothing.. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 18th Dec 2012 at 06:36 PM ----------

    *sorry, that was at curlycats.

    ---------- Post added 18th Dec 2012 at 06:47 PM ----------

    Hi Pinklov3ly,

    Thanks for you message. It's strange because as I was writing my thread I kinda felt like maybe I knew what the answer was if you know what I mean? So like you say, it seems maybe I already know what I want, I'm just scared to admit it maybe because of all the other crap that comes with it...

    But like you say, it's important to live your life as you want to live it. And part of me knows that all the worries etc. would disappear if I met a woman and fell in love. I know before when I've been with a woman, I didn't care at all when I was happy, I just figured everything else would fall into place. But when it's just you, it's easy to let all the negative thoughts dominate..

    So thank you, I feel more reassured.

    And good luck to you too. You've made a really brave decision and that's amazing. My favourite quote from my fave author is, "What you risk, reveals what you value". And your story made me think of that..

    :slight_smile:
     
  5. pinklov3ly

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    Thanks and I love that quote! And you're right, I was hoping everything would fall into for me as well. I didn't want to go looking for love because I felt like a lot of the times I was settling. I was dating this girl earlier in the year and she ended up getting pregnant my her ex! I was so devastated, but I stayed by her side as a friend. She could have been the one, but ugh! It still hurts me whenever I think about it. I was actually dating a girl in September before I got back with my kids father. And we've only been back together for a couple of months. I'm still talking to the girl, but I get so confused sometimes. I think I'm confusing myself by convincing myself that I like guys, darn society the pressure it puts on lgbt people! I just want to be content with my life :slight_smile:
     
    #5 pinklov3ly, Dec 18, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2012
  6. Amelie

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    Ha, it's a great quote! And a great writer!

    Yeah, it is difficult with all the external pressures, I think all any of us want is to be content with our lives... I guess some of us just have to fight harder than others. Sometimes it all just feels a bit exhausting though... :-/ And like you say, it's really easy to confuse yourself by trying to influence your own feelings.

    I think that's why it was easier when I was younger - I was a lot better at just following my instincts without worrying about what other people thought. God, that's shameful that I was more evolved at 15 than at 27...
     
  7. pinklov3ly

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    It is very exhausting mentally. I guess for me, because I saw a family member get married recently, I feel extremely pressured to do the same. Everyone keeps asking me when am I having another baby or when I'm getting married. I've never wanted to get married, it's scary and I'm obviously not ready. I think it'd be a huge mistake for me to marry a guy.

    I know age is only a #, but I understand how you feel. I was 19, but I got scared--I'm not even sure of what exactly. I guess it's scary not knowing and I've always had this life plan. Everything else is in place, but I'm stuck on figuring this out. I'm only doing it for him, but he knows that things aren't going to last this time around. I mean, I've known him since I was 15, he's pretty important and I owe it to myself and him to give things one last try. After this relationship, I plan on dating women exclusively. It's just hard finding a girl who I'm attracted to!

    I was actually reading this interesting story, here's the link Ask A Lesbian: How Do You Know You’ll Never Date A Man Again? | Thought Catalog
     
  8. Amelie

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    Thanks for the link, great article.

    Yeah, that whole marriage thing is hard. I have a lot of friends marrying at the moment, and sometimes I feel jealous that their lives are just so straightforward.. especially when, like you say, it is so hard finding a girl.. I guess in a straight majority world, the odds are against it!

    But then, I guess all we can do is think how it would feel to be 5 years down the line, with a partner attending weddings (and maybe having our own), with all our friends and family present and hold on to that.

    (I'm gonna try and remember to be this optimistic everyday... !)

    :slight_smile:
     
  9. Josclare

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    I think people concentrate on labels too much sometimes , i get that defining yourself can sometimes make things easier, i generally say i like women but if the right guy came along i wouldnt close the door in his face, and my sexuality has changed slightly in different aspects of my life. Right now the thought of having sex with men makes me crindge but in the past ive had a relationship with a man who i cared a great deal about, the sex didnt completly turn me off but nore was it a great experience but that doesnt mean i am going to come out as completly gay and say im never going to me with another man again, things change and we fall for someone. Id say dont close your option off to either and if that means calling yourself slightly bisexual then thats fine , the rainbows made up of more then 3 colours you dont have to pick between lesbian and bisexual you can be half way between both. So in other words form friendships with both men and women and see who you end up falling for , go to gay bars but also go to normal bars and as long as you love who ever you end up with up it shouldnt matter whether or not it falls into the label you came out , as its only biology afterall and your happiness overides all that. Good luck
     
  10. Amelie

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    Thanks for your lovely message Josclare.

    I have to say, I've been on this site for less than a week and I feel great. I'm gonna stop worrying!

    :slight_smile: