I have a good group of friends now, but in the past I haven't been the most popular one. In fact looking back now, up until the end of middle school I realize now that I didn't have any actual people I could call friends. They were just a bunch of a-holes that got into trouble a lot and blamed it all on me. I did have one girlfriend in first-year high school, but we broke up before anything actually happened. That combined with seeing relationship after relationship around me fall apart (parents divorced at 9, father's gone through about 3 serious relationships since, etc.), I've never been in a rush to get back into one. So now I'm soon-to-be 20, and I've never attempted at any sort of relationship past my last gf, ever. Still a virgin, and never have kissed anyone. Ever since I was 12 I sort of liked the idea of a guy over a girl. I dismissed it, basically telling myself, "Nahh, that's not me. That's for other people to worry about." Over the past few years, the thoughts have come and gone, but lately they've been rather prominent. Now, I'm pretty sure I'm bi, but much more gay when it comes to actual sexual attractions. Here's the thing though: Since I haven't tried at a relationship since I was 14; since most gay guys wouldn't know how to spot me (I'm pretty straight-acting); and since most girls expect you to make the first move, I'm pretty stuck. I've never been motivated to go out and actively look for a relationship, and have never been approached by anyone, male or female. I do have a bit of acne which I'm trying my best to get rid of, but I'm not even that bad looking otherwise. I have just basically friend-zoned everyone I meet. And I can't stop. I can't see anyone I've met as a potential partner, and I'm not sure how I feel about one night stands. I've been contemplating being gay (because I think I might be), bi (because I feel I still have some attraction towards women), and straight (because I'd honestly rather not be anything else). But now I think I might just be a confused asexual. Did I push myself into being asexual? Is that even possible? Does this even make sense?
I don't think you can convince yourself into asexuality, but it is a real thing to be considered. Is the reason you decline to think of anyone as a potential partner just pickiness, or can you not even imagine the traits that would make up "The One"? Most people don't know exactly what they want in a mate, but the experience of dating and breaking up is what refines our taste, and can teach us to be better people throughout. If you can stomach casual dating (for whatever sex you feel like atm), I'd say give it a try.
Hi mike19, Short of some physical means such as castration, taking drugs, or starvation, you can't really force yourself to become asexual. Some diseases can sap libido as well. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you have reason to believe you might be gay or bi, it sounds to me like you are still experiencing sexual attraction and haven't become asexual. I think this thought is coming from your confusion on the romantic/sexual front rather than genuine asexuality. If you can't see anyone you've met as a potential partner, it might simply mean that you don't really want or need a relationship in your life at this point. I think this is actually quite wise of you (even if it was only subconscious :icon_wink) because I think it's better that we consider relationships as a potential thing with an actual person that you like and want to connect with as opposed to just some abstract idea that will magically bring you happiness. It's not a bad thing to not have experienced this and you shouldn't put pressure on yourself if it's something you don't want right now. As far as your sexual orientation goes, you are the expert in your own life. Ask yourself who it is that you are noticing while you're out and about, what kind of people excite you, and who holds your attention. If you have noticed a sudden evaporation of your libido that you can't find an explanation for, do see a physician to make sure that everything's ok.
I don't know. I don't want a relationship because I don't want the pain that comes with it, because it will almost certainly end -- and most of the time I see them end badly. So I've never tried. I've just made up excuses, and now it's awkward to think of someone I know sexually. Now I'm at the age where everyone around me is either dating or actively looking, and I'm just sitting here. I don't know where to start, so I don't. I do notice men more than I notice women, however I can't imagine being with a guy. I like the way a woman looks, but it doesn't do all that much for me. I know that whether it's a guy or a girl, I'll be able to get going in bed because the idea of physical contact gets me going more than anything, but I...I just don't know. Now I'm going through my days wondering how everyone does it. I can't see myself going down on a friend, because they're...well, you know, a friend. But I can't see myself going down on anyone I'm not familiar with. To become familiar with someone, they have to start out as a friend.
What you're referring to is called demisexuality. I'm the same, I never experience the desire to actually have sex or do anything sexual with someone unless we're really close, and have a bond built on something other than sexuality. I personally don't believe demisexuality is a sexual preference (though many do). I see it as more of a deeply set attitude towards sexuality, where you're still capable of feeling sexual attraction to someone (but perhaps repress it), but without the desire to actually act on it unless you really trust the person. Most people aren't any different, but perhaps are more willing to engage in sexual relationships sooner than "demisexuals". Whatever you want to call it, it's still a perfectly legitimate attitude towards sexuality in your relationships.
I just feel like I've build up some kind of wall against relationships. I feel like I want one, but I don't want the junk that's associated with it. Like I said, I don't know where to start when it comes to dating. So I've just never bothered. Now I feel almost like I can't. It also doesn't help that I can't even remotely decide what gender I want to date. On top of all this, if I were to go for a gay relationship, I'd want to keep it on the down-low so at the very least my parents wouldn't find out about it. This just adds to the "junk" associated with it, considering a partner probably wouldn't be too comfortable with that.
Wow, 22 and brilliant. ---------- Post added 20th Dec 2012 at 01:30 AM ---------- I am thinking you are jealous of the appearance of joy others got, and want it too, like a new toy or a new pair of shoes...and you forget how they maybe not as happy as they appear. I undy your family set pretty bad examples for "perfect marriage" stuff...but let me assure you even THAT can happen. I saw my grandparents 5 years lived with them, wedded bliss, and they never saw porn or even french kissed and were hot for each other so much they didn't even notice wrinkles...just how lucky they were to have found each other. It aint easy, both partners must be convicted to the importance of working on the relationship...compromise, and putting the other one 1st not selfishness. I will say wait...when you find a gal or guy and are ready you will joke or ask for the paper or something and they will say something like do you do that to all the girls...you will or they will make a move. no worries. honestly, when it is time, something will give.
