Hello everyone, new to the site and I've been reading some others stories so far and have seen how strong and supportive everyone is here. So I figured this would be a great place to just, dump my inner feelings and thoughts and be able to feel free. I feel like I have another person in me screaming and begging to be freed but I just can't bring myself to do it for certain reasons... To start, I'm 25 years old. I am 100% sure I'm gay in a sexual manner and I have no sexual attraction to women. I've known that I was gay, or at least more attracted to men since I was around 10. First Experience So to set the stage of my sexual life, my first gay experience was when I was 11 or 12. It was with someone I knew for a while, whom was also 16-17 at the time. It was not a forced thing by any means and was entirely mutual on both ends. Him and I hung out and basically did everything together and he popped the question one day while we were sitting around if I wanted to fool around. I remember thinking and asking what do you mean and when he went into detail I think that was the first time I felt sexually turned on. Everything between us was entirely mutual, nothing rushed or forced, and was entirely our secret. The first time lead to an almost every week thing where we could fool around with each other and I loved it. I felt so attracted to him. (And to this day I still do thinking back to those memories. I would love to meet up with him and see if he still had those interests too.) But this was what lead me into my thought process of my sexual orientation. We were both young, both semi-religious (his dad was a Pastor), and both curious at the time so I didn't know what to think as in terms of right or wrong. Let along, not even knowing what 'gay' really was at the time. So it was more of a trial and error thing in my mind at the time. First Major Relationship (With a girl.) When I was around 14 we moved, him and I lost touch. We haven't spoken to each other since I moved so I am unsure of anything in his life at all anymore. My mom keeps in touch with his parents and sees them from time to time but I can't muster the courage to go with her and see him. I want to so bad but I just can't bring myself to do it. (More of fear than anything. I don't want to have him reject our past, deny it happened, or just not be interested.) After we moved I met a girl. Still being unsure of myself her and I landed up dating for over 5 years. We broke up on and off, but always found ourselves back together shortly after. For me, it wasn't a physical relationship, or anything about physical attraction. (Honestly, in most peoples eyes she would be mad fun of as she was a bit heavy set. But to me she was beautiful because of who she was, not her physical appearance.) She was literally my best friend, my lover at the time, and from what it felt like, my soul mate. I loved her to death. But I always had that thought in the back of my mind that honestly, I was not attracted to her sexually at all. Not because of her looks or her weight, but specifically because of her sex. I found myself attracted to my best (male) friend at the time. But never said or did anything about it. About 4 years ago her and I broke out. She sadly had a falling out with a bad crowed and landed up getting into drugs much more than she was. (We smoked weed as teens, and such, but nothing serious.) She got addicted to heroine and landed up dying in a fatal car accident later that year. Emotionally I was wrecked but I didn't let it show at all. To everyone, I was brick wall. Internally I was dead. I just lost my best friend and I couldn't even deal with it. So I literally swallowed the pain and just kept it inside. Her and I were together for so long that her mom basically became a second mom to me. I could talk to her about everything (almost) and feel fine. Her home was a second home for me. And we are still close today. I speak with her frequently and shes still great friends with my mom. Today and Now... So here we are, today. I am a closeted homosexual that wants to rip the door of the hinges and scream at top of my lungs that I am gay to the entire world but I can't bring myself to do it. I am not scared of being rejected. I am not scared of being shunned from my mom. (My father is dead and has been dead to me since I was young.) My mom has tons of gay friends, and honestly I'm more worried of her trying to hook me up with one of them than hating me lol. But the real emotional strain is my ex girlfriends mom. She is still a huge part of my life. She is still an amazing person and a strong, loving women. I can't bare to think how she will take it having me come out and say I'm gay just so soon after her daughter died. It's been 3-4 years since her death but the thought of coming out feels like I am basically saying "My relationship with your daughter was a lie.". I know it wasn't. I felt every bit of love for her during our whole relationship. I just wasn't sexually happy or attracted but I could have spent the rest of my life with her because I felt such an emotional attraction to her. I just can't bring myself to come out because I don't want to break her heart. On top of this I still haven't taken the time to handle her loss myself and just kept it bottled inside. Writing this post alone makes me want to just break down and cry for days. I want to come out. And the first person I want to come out to is her. I want to make sure she understands that every moment of my life spent with her daughter was true and not a lie. I want her to know that I loved her daughter regardless of my preference and I want her to still love me. What should I do.
I was married to a women whom I loved deeply. And now I have a girlfriend whom I love. Both those relationships were/are completely real. My commitment, faithfulness, caring is without question. And all along my interest in guys has been there. (I'm now at the point I need to get honest with myself!). That doesn't in any way invalidate those relationships and what I've shared with these women. We laughed, cried, loved. mrkdrk99 -- I'm sure that your former girlfriend's mother expects that at some time you'll find someone new. Since you two are close, she probably even hopes for it. It may or may not be a surprise to her that you are interested in guys. You won't know until you tell her or she finds out. Doesn't in any way invalidate what you had with her daughter. Not sure if your circle of friends is such that by coming out she would find out. Maybe she's someone you wouldn't have to come out to, until there is a boyfriend in your life. Though I get you're close to her and you want to be open with her. You deserve to be happy with someone, its been long enough since she died, you don't need to be alone anymore.
Yeah, I felt the same way when I was with her. I had other girlfriends growing up but nothing anywhere near as serious as I had with her. The others were more of a they asked me rather than me ask them type thing and I just said yes and went along with it. But with her, it was a lot more serious and felt true. I'm sure she expects it and I don't think she'll be mad at me moving on, but the idea of coming out to her after my serious relationship with her daughter just feels wrong to me. As well as something I'm unsure she will handle emotionally. I am mostly concerned because she took the loss of her daughter very badly. She was on anti-depressants and anxiety medication up until literally last week. Any thought of trying to come out and tell her just puts fear in me that I will force her back onto the medication. I am more worried about her and her well being then my own happiness. As it stands now, I have basically no close friends. Most of whom I was friends with in my younger years kept with the drug scene and have progressively gotten worse. In most cases they are addicted to more serious drugs and things I do not and will not be around. I have two old friends from highschool that I talk to somewhat often, but we no longer hang out due to them not living close anymore. I am mostly a home bound person, I don't go out almost at all unless it's needed. Most of my friendships are online now with various people I meet either through gaming or my online career interests. I am not out to anyone at all. This site is literally my first time letting everything out. It felt good to finally be able to let it out even if I know no one here. Just being able to discuss it feels so much better and free. Right now, I am not concerned about my happiness. I'm not interested in being with someone if it means I am going to hurt or devastate someone elses life. I don't think that my ex's mom will turn on me or hate me but I just don't want to trigger her pain or depression again. It is something I couldn't bare to see her go through again. As for anyone assuming my sexual preference, I am not at all what fits into the gay stereotypes that people label gays with. - I do not have a higher pitch voice. - I do not have any type of lisp. - I do not have any type of feminine 'outbursts' or qualities. - I do not "act gay" as what people would say. I hope no one takes offense to this, I do not mean it in any mean way, just explaining how I am. I don't think I give off any ounce of gay vibes or make people question me. I've been around a lot of gay people and was never questioned about it. My moms a very active person in the LGBT community as nearly all her friends are gay. Most of which are cross-dressers and such. (My mom is straight but loves being part of her friends lives and loves helping out.) So I know acceptance is not an issue within my immediate family. It's just my ex's mom that I am concerned the most about.
