My dilemma

I am a 22 year gay man living in my small city in Minnesota. Never had a boyfriend and or a serious relationship with a man. I only kissed a guy once and he was a jerk who only wanted sex nothing else.

I was never out in high school being shy and surrounded by homophobic friends I could not really find a way out. My high school had its groups and they were very tight knit so I just stayed with my homophobic so called friends. I was out to my parents thought and they accepted it but don't really mention it that much.

I than to college for a one year program and was again surround by homophobic roommates. I was very lonely and feared coming out due to my roommates dangerous homophobia. I secretly attended a gay club but my shyness kind of got in the way of making friends. Being surrounded by homophobia i had suicidal thoughts and I am so thankful I did not do anything I would regret.

After college I did come out to some close college friends and most of them accepted me I regretted not coming out to them but my safety was most important to me. I pretty much would not be alive if I did come out and I mean that seriously. I went back to my small city and lived with my parents for a few months being unable to find a job. I than found a job working in a nursing home and eventually moved to a small apartment that was once a house. When I did not have a job in the summer I had intense suicidal thoughts. I don't have a car or even a license so I could not see my college friends. I have a disability which prevents me from driving a car. I get distracted easily.

I tried finding friends with gay men in my area and found two of them. The first one was a another jerk. I told him how I was depressed and had no friends and he told me to get mental help and I did not deserve his friendship. The other one I only spoke to online and texted alot. He did not have a car either so it was hard to meet up. Our friendship ended tragically when he committed suicide last february.

Here I am in december lost and alone. With only family to talk and a job to go to. Nothing else is happening with my life. There is no luck with online dating I am only finding guys who are interested in sex or even married or old to talk to. I tried finding finding jobs in a larger city and I had no luck so far.

I am tired of waiting for the true happiness to enter my life. I thought it would happen in high school and I thought it would happen in college. I even thought it would happen in my hometown. It never happened. I am about to give up on dating and everything else. I don't want to end my life knowing the affect it would have on those who do care about me. I don't want to tell my parents what I went through because they will just send to counseling or something but I don't want any counseling. They will say at least you have a loving family. Well I want more than just a family hell some of my family I wish I didn't have. At least I wish some of them were no so homophobic and accepting of everyone.

Thanks for reading this I know it is long but I need to let it all out.

 

I did not mean to imply I am out of touch with reality. I know that I can control my own happiness but there are some people who cannot control their situation at the moment. I am not just sitting around I am looking for jobs in larger cities and going out of my comfort zone to find new friends online or in person. There are no gay groups or even social groups or activities in my community except for summer activities . I know it will get better eventually. I regret letting one person in college control my hope to come out but he had a very dangerous attitude towards gays or basically anyone who is "below' him so I just did not go there.