After coming out to a few friends almost 12 months ago and beginning to feel more comfortable with who I am, I’m finding myself now becoming more and more confused. Lately I’ve been looking towards straight porn when trying to get kicks, to the point where it’s now my ‘porn of choice’ (for want of a better term!) more often than gay porn. A couple of years ago I would have given anything to convince myself I was straight, but now that I’ve started to become comfortable with who I am the fact that I’m beginning to question myself again is really frustrating. I’m finding myself actually wanting to be able to say outright “I’m gay. Definitely.” How’s that for irony? The thing is, porn involving women (sometimes with guys, sometimes without) is turning me on. And it’s the ‘sometimes without’ part that’s making me confused. Maybe I’m just curious, since I’ve never actually been with a girl? The thing is, while I say I’m being turned on by these girls, I’ve never yet set eyes on a girl in the real world and thought, “She’s hot, I’d like to see her naked.” I mean I can recognise a hot girl, but I’ve never had an urge to want to get into her pants if you know what I mean. So what’s different about the girls on my computer screen? (Just to clarify, I'm not some porn addicted spending every night looking at it!) Conversely, I will do a double take at a guy I walk past and think is attractive. So maybe that says more than anything else – the fact that when not thinking about sex a good looking guy will catch my eye but not a girl. And the truth of the matter is that one of my best mates, who is most definitely straight, I would do in a second. I just remind myself of that when I start to think “What if I’m not…” It’s funny too because one of the things that scares me most would be having to go back to the friends I’ve come out to and saying to them, “Well, actually…” So if I were to analyse what I’ve written I guess I’d say that if I were to rate myself out of 10, 1 being completely straight and 10 being completely gay, I’d definitely be above 5 but maybe I’m not actually a 10. I guess not many people really are a 1 or a 10, but those close to 1 probably choose to be a 1. I guess my natural reactions say that I’m homosexual. But honestly if I was ever going to be in a threesome (not likely) I’d chose it to be with a guy and a girl, rather than 2 other guys… at Ieast one time anyway – haha. But then I don’t really know that I can think of myself as bisexual. I’ve always had crushes on guys rather than girls and like I said, I’ve never actually met a girl that I’ve wanted to be anything other than friends with really. I know this is long, but I guess getting things written down helps me to actually understand what I’m thinking and feeling, and it seems I’ve worked through most of my questions myself. If anyone else has read this (thank you) it would probably also help to know if other people have gone through anything similar.
Sexuality isn't black and white - and it's difficult to remember that in a society built upon labels and pigeon holes. I've gone through a bunch of phases where I wouldn't mind being intimate with a girl, but at the same time I've never acted upon this. Why? Like you, I haven't found any particular girls who grab my attention or who I've crushed over. For now I like to see my sexual identity as something relating to a particular person, not their gender. If I found a girl who I liked a lot, I wouldn't let the fact that she's a girl stand in the way of me dating her, despite the fact I'm more likely to be sexually attracted to a guy. In terms of how you feel towards women in porn and women in real life - these are two entirely separate existences. For the most part, the feelings and desires you experience while watching porn are different to those you experience "in real life", and I wouldn't let that get you worried.
Micah has a healthy way of looking at things. If you are trying to lump yourself into one category, you have a good chance of making yourself crazy. If you like straight porn, it doesn't necessarily mean you are straight or if you like gay porn, it doesn't necessarily mean you are gay. What's important is that you find that special someone to love. Gender doesn't matter.
I agree - and you said it yourself... nobody is 100% one way or the other. I was happily married for 10 years (well, happy for most of those 10 years) and never had issue with being intimate with my wife. However, I consider myself to be gay. I'm not the least bit interested in another relationship with a woman - it's all about the guys now! So what does that say about me? Who knows! I don't know. But I try not to dwell on it. I think I'm gay - maybe not AS gay as other people, maybe MORE gay than some others. I wouldn't worry about it.
Well... I had the same, same issue. At least the same thoughts. I stopped asking me if I'm gay or straight, but sking myself... Do I feel happy with X person, even if she's a she or he's a he or w/e. You got it? Labels are bad. Something else EC showed me. *loves y'all*
