Is it possible to repress your sexuality so much from when you first started fantasizing that you really might be gay or bi and you didn't even know it? Here is what I mean: When I was 9, I saw my first porn on tv. It was a guy getting serviced by a woman. I wanted to try out how it felt, so I pretended (masturbated). I loved the idea of the woman doing it, but it was weird and awkward to think about it from a guy's point of view, because I wasn't that keen on thinking about the guy. Since then, I fantasized strictly about women and straight porn. In middle school, all my fantasies sexually were about my female classmates. I miss that. Ever since I've been into porn, I forgot what that fantasy of a real woman feels like. Now that I quit porn, I'm not sure if I'm missing the intensity of the experience or what. I mean, that when I see guys anywhere or hear their voices, I get this feeling down there - not quite an erection, but like this really strong energy. But when I actually try to fantasize about it in my head, I wind up switching back to girls every time. I try to accept my gayness or bi-ness, and I try hard, but I just feel so much more comfortable, almost like a sense of relief, like "ok, this is the really nice stuff", when I think about a beautiful girl. On the other hand, I touched my really big friend's biceps last night, and it felt gentle and nice. Maybe I'm just looking for sex no matter where. Because when I see a hot girl, I don't get that energy feeling below, but I begin to wake up, like come alive and just check her out and want to do things to her really badly. Today, my girl and I were making love, and we experimented. First she asked me to imagine the guy from last night. The intensity felt nice. Then she asked me to imagine her as a little virgin. That felt so great, soulful and hot. We went back and forth like this a couple of times, but then I got tired of the guy fantasy, and was happy with the girl one. I don't understand how come it's happening if I never fantasized about guys like that in my life. I've never gotten off to a guy before, because I always much preferred getting off to a girl. But without porn, it's really hard to gauge my sexuality. Maybe I was sexually identifying as straight, but my sexual orientation might be different? I don't understand that reaction I get to guys either. It just doesn't feel like something I'm used to. The thing is, if it does happen that I've been repressing this in me, is it possible that I might be full-on gay and just didn't know it? I really thought I enjoyed women. Maybe it's just a bi side? How has it been in your experiences? Have you found out at some point that after a lifetime of straight fantasy and adoring and loving women that you were really repressing and you were bi/gay? I think the reason I'd like to know is for my girl's sake. If it turns out I'm bi but leaning towards girls, then I have my decision made to stay with her. I don't want to be a married gay who gets divorced ultimately because of this. If it turns out I'm bi but leaning towards guys, it may not be a good idea to stay, but if it turns out I'm gay, then I don't think we have a shot, nor would I want to put us through that. Thanks, Musician
Im a girl, so obviously not exactly the same perspective, but just wanted to say I get the exact same thing when I masturbate....I try to think about guys, but they just turn into girls, and its a relief/easier to think about girls. So I kind of concluded Im more attracted to girls. Maybe you are too?
I can relate to some extent. Throughout the beginning of adolescence, I was pretty much obsessed with girls (as most straight teenage boys are apt to be). I was virtually positive I was straight, both physically and emotionally. My freshman year in high school was when I first started to consider men as a viable option, at least from a physical perspective...gradually, in the months following that consideration, my interest in women waned and I began gravitating increasingly toward guys. At this point, I'm still uncertain about my sexuality- I still get turned on by women sometimes, and I can appreciate an attractive girl, but thinking about men induces a more visceral reaction, if that makes any sense.
@tapsilog2012 Yeah. I always loved girls. I was always into lesbians @eltrain I get that reaction, but it's weird: I have this feeling/energy, but when I touched myself yesterday to a billboard of the Backstreet Boys (I picked that on purpose), I felt nothing, like being gay didn't make any sense anymore. I then thought about a girl and it felt so sweet. So I don't understand these reactions. Also, and I don't know if it matters, but I spent a whole lifetime loving girls and this has only been happening in the last year, at 26 years old. It's not like I was asexual or aromantic towards women. I definitely loved them, and I'm sure still do. The idea of sex with a woman feels great, whereas with a man it's like I want it but it just is so odd. It just feels casual and horny, but it's not like that love and bond. But that's been changing for me everyday. Today, I feel very much loving the girls, including mine. I feel better too, actually (no offense to anybody here, and maybe it's just wrong to say that). But not better like, it's bad to be gay, because it totally isn't. Just more like what I'm used to feeling from myself, up to this point in my life. Though I guess that can change, and I might have been repressing it, especially based on the fact that I'm here posting? I don't know. Just I'm wondering if it's possible to repress such a gay side for so long like that, and if it means I might be more into men than women, ultimately, if I did repress it that much. Like sometimes, I'll feel like kissing a guy, even on the cheek, but then I go, dude, that doesn't quite match what you like to fantasize about more than anything else in the world. But I have these thoughts and stuff, and it gets really weird for me. I'm sorry if I'm being really negative about this.
I don't feel comfortable making any definitive judgments on your orientation, but I do think that sexuality is a lot more nuanced and fluid than people might think. If we're looking at it from a purely statistical perspective (which isn't always the best perspective, but it at least can be easily and succinctly expressed), Alfred Kinsey's Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948) reported that, according to Kinsey's research, 46% of the men he surveyed claimed to have had a sexual reaction to both sexes- obviously a far higher percentage than the number of self-identified homosexuals or bisexuals in the population. Now, Kinsey's report was criticized for some statistical bias, but it just goes to show that people who may not necessarily be "gay" still can have ocassional or even recurring mild sexual attraction toward the same sex. And I don't think you're being too negative- believe me, I understanding feeling exasperated by sexual confusion and yearning to have a label. At this point, though I wouldn't worry too much about it. I think you're pretty normal, and I certainly don't think the way you feel right now precludes you from continuing your current relationship.
The relationship for me is the bottom line. I hope that I can continue, love, and be happy with her. I do love her deeply, for everything she is, including physically and sexually. So that works out nicely. I just hope I'm not repressing something gay, because I've read a lot of stories of people who didn't know they were gay until later in their marriage and they had to get divorced. I'm scared of that happening, because I want a family and kids, and a happy loving life with her. Also, that after 7 years or whatever the gay feelings emerged. I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing for me and her, though at the moment it feels like the right thing. But many times I don't know what's even going on. But if I always loved girls, and I love her, then it should be ok? I just don't always know.
Hey musician, I am a bisexual guy, and I came to learn this in about my 25th year. One difference, all of my sexual fantasies as a youth were about men and boys, my first sexual experience was with a boy. I was pretty sure I was gay, then all of the sudden I started noticing brests and hips of women, I always thought women were pretty but all of the sudden I started seeing them ass sexy and hot, it just came out of nowhere, it was disturbing at first, but suddenly it was pleasant. I was deeply confused because I didn't stop liking men, actually no loss in interest in men occurred. But that really doesn't mean anything to you. It really sounds to me like you are just curious. I wouldn't worry until you start crushing on guys. Honestly it isn't gay to appreciate male beauty. Not at all. As far as the feelings you are having, perhaps you should talk to your girlfriend about them. It helps ease your fear if you confront these issues, really out may not be as big a deal as you may think.
So I guess crushing on guys might be the next step? If you sexually want someone, then maybe the next step will be to emotionally want someone, because I've read that with closet gay people, that they have a homosexual kink, but then they are just too ashamed to come out as fully gay. If that's the case, then what can I do about my relationship? I still crush on girls I meet sometimes. She knows about all my fears. It hasn't helped me one way or another. She's there for me whether I'll be gay/bi/straight. But of course, we won't go on if I need to be with a man. And my mom thinks I might be bi, but at the most, if I'm not completely straight. I don't even know anymore. I might just have some psychological issue, and I might be covering up deep feelings of hurt, so I just want to fuck guys when I see them in person. I get anxious, and it's kind of like a knee-jerk reaction, maybe to get their love. Who knows. Maybe that's total denial. I can accept that too. But I never had friends at school, and I had this well of psychotic anger inside. I felt it today, when the gay thoughts went away, and inside was this anger. I didn't even feel gay. I just felt angry. But I felt straight for a moment, replaced by this anger, which might have been covered up by the gay thoughts. But I acknowledge I might also be gay. I don't know. But when I fantasize and it's in my head and not in real life, I love the thought of women. It puts me at home to rest. So I don't even know what the truth is. I quit porn recently, and considering the porn I watched which was much naughtier than in real life (still women), I am wondering if it's not just my mind looking for something kinky. I went 65 days without even touching myself, and it made everything so insane in my mind, with the guys and stuff. I really feel like I'm repressing something, in spite of my fantasies about women.
