Does it sound as if I am lesbian or bisexual? Quite long, but please help :)

Hi there. I've been confused about this since I was in my early teens (I'm now 20). This might be a bit lengthy, but please bear with me .

I'm having a pretty hard time figuring out what my sexuality is. There have been signs that I am not straight since I was say 13ish (looking at women in magazines etc) - I passed these things off and thought they would go away - it's only been in the past year or so that I've actually come to the conclusion that they probably won't.

This is not to say that I have never found men attractive, although if I'm honest my attraction to them seems to be decreasing as I get older. I just don't know why this is - I had several crushes on boys during high school, roughly at the ages of say, 15/16. And again, last year, I had a short-lived crush on my male flatmate. I dated one really lovely guy when I was 18 for about 6 months, but as soon as it was getting any way serious I broke it off.

In terms of liking girls, the first girl that I really fell for was one of my very straight best friends when I was 17, which lasted properly for around 2 years. We've drifted apart now which I guess is no bad thing really considering. Sometimes I worry I'll never meet someone like her again. Since then, there have been two other girls that I've liked, both of course are straight. Now there's a girl in my class at college who I literally can't stop thinking about, euughh. Again, I'm pretty sure she's straight. Sometimes I wonder if it’s the lack in availability of these girls that makes me fancy them so much.

Anywaaaay, now that you know the background story, these are the things I'm looking for advice on:

1) I know I'm not straight - but do I sound gay or bisexual? I really don't know. I'm over-thinking the whole thing. I know only I can answer that question, but some outside perspective would be useful.

2) Why on earth am I this way? I just don’t understand, it doesn’t make sense to me. Could it be as a result of supposed lack of success with men, or because I somehow conditioned myself into finding women attractive when I was younger? Or maybe due to fear coming from inexperience? Am I trying to find more motherly love or something (I already have it)? Lol. I feel at fault, and as if I’ve done something to become like this. My first kiss resulted in me being bullied for two years (romantic eh) as it transpired that the boy in question was “dating” a girl in the year above me (I was 15, didn’t know this at the time). I’m obviously over it now but could this have somehow scarred me and made me unwilling to be with men? Just theories I have. I think too much.

3) Parents. I've told my parents I'm bisexual and although they weren't exactly delighted, it doesn't seem to be a huge issue, but they never ever would talk about it. I'm an only child and they are both only children, so I know how much they want me to marry a man and have their grandchildren. I understand this; I just dread disappointing them if it doesn’t happen. I do really want kids though, I worry about ending up old and alone and if I don't go down the heterosexual path of marriage and kids as I don’t have any siblings or cousins. Ahhh.

4) Friends - I am extremely "straight-looking/acting". The vast majority of people have literally no idea I'm thinking this way. I'm terrified people will distance themselves from me or think I fancy them or something ridiculous like that (most of my friends are straight girls). How can I explain to people that this is not that case? I guess that's my main question. I’m potentially moving in with 5 of my friends in March and I want to put this out there before we do – I just don’t know how and I’m scared in case they will be awkward about it or not want to live with me.

5) I'm scared my orientation will change - right now, if I'm truly honest, I would say I am at least on the "gay-side" of bisexual. I'm just worried, that if I was to come out as gay, that I would meet a man that I really liked or that I would become more inclined towards men over time. I know this is unlikely, but it's still a worry ie. What would I do then? I just really don’t want to “come out wrong”.

6) Continuation of 4, I'm worried that if I come out, I won't find women attractive any more. Sounds stupid, but I generally am attracted to “unavailable” people. I hardly know any gay women, and those that I do know vaguely (one one), I just don't fancy. I understand I'm hardly going to fancy all other lesbians but I’m worried that women will somehow “lose their appeal” if I am finally able to go out there and try and meet one.

Phew. Sorry that was so long - it was actually very therapeutic to write haha! Thanks for persevering and any advice would be much appeciated xxx