Before I begin, I'm going to explain mine and my brother's dynamic and a little about how we were when we were younger. We're twins, though I'm three minutes older. We used to be extremely close until I began pushing him away because I saw people do it on TV so I figured it was what I should do. Now, we're both 15 and we only really bond when bad things happen. Anyway, I've known I was a lesbian for two years now. He was the first one I came out to. Growing up, my brother- Adam- always played dress up with me, though I usually played dress up because he requested it in the first place. He dressed up as the girl and I dressed up as the boy. He played with my dolls that I hated and I played with his legos and blocks that he hated. I played football with my dad and Adam baked and knit with my mom. When we played with dolls (again, at his request), I was the boy and he was the girl. I've always been friends with more boys and Adam's always been friends with more girls. My mom figured that Adam wanted to do "girl things" because my dad worked a lot and Adam didn't really have any other father figure. Anyway, fast forward a few years. Back when I was pretending to be straight, I forced myself to like this boy- let's call him Jim- and he was one of my brother's best guy friends. There were rumors of my brother giving Jim a blow job and rumors that my brother was bisexual running around the school. Adam ended his friendship with Jim because A) I was pretty mad at him for taking away my beard and B) My parents caught wind of the rumors and interrogated him. He denied the rumors, though I heard from his closest friends (the majority of whom are/ were girls) that it was true. A few months after his rumor spread, another one spread, but about a different boy. People claimed that Adam had made out with a boy who was openly bisexual- let's call him Jake. Now, at this time, I was claiming to be bisexual and Jake told everyone that he had a crush on me, not Adam. Then, the following month, a rumor spread that Jake and Adam were dating. Keep in mind that I heard all of these rumors from his closest friends and some of our mutual friends. When I asked Jake if he liked anyone, he claimed to be dating someone. I decided to confront Adam about whether or not he was gay or bisexual. When I did, he got angry and stormed off. The next day, Jake told me he had broken up with his "girlfriend" and proceeded to flirt with me as if he hadn't been dating my brother. This year, another rumor surfaced that he gave his now closest guy friend- let's call him James- a blow job. My mom had been suspecting that Adam was gay- or bi- for a long time now. This is approximately four months after I came out to her (Which did not go well) so she was watching Adam carefully. By now, I'd heard from all our mutual friends that Adam was bisexual (some say they think he's gay, though). When my mom found out, Adam claimed they were drunk, but didn't deny that he gave Aaron a blowjob. When my mom asked if he was gay (in a tone of disgust, I might add), Adam denied it fervently. He's had girlfriends of course, but he doesn't really pay attention to them the way other boys do to their girlfriends. He doesn't kiss them much, hold their hands, or even like hugging them. When his girlfriends say "I love you", he dumps them every time without fail. He treats them as friends- if even that. He's more touchy-feely with his close friends that are girls than his girlfriends. Now, here is my dilemma. I'm almost firmly convinced that he's gay, not bisexual, but I don't want to anger him by asking. My cousin, who Adam's very close to, says that he told her that he's bisexual and I'm a bit hurt that he wouldn't talk to me about it. I mean, I'm already out so if he needed to talk to anyone, I'd understand more than they would. I don't blame him for not wanting to come out to our parents. I was grounded and my father threatened to kick me out if I was really a lesbian. He said "I'd rather blow my brains out than have a daughter who's gay" and "I'm not living in the same house with a gay." And I know the response would be one hundred times worse if Adam's gay. Like I said earlier, my father's working a lot of the time. Thankfully. But when my father is around, he's usually spewing hateful things about different races, religions, or gay people. He's black so I don't really understand why he'd ever be prejudice against anyone after what our ancestors suffered through. But I'm digressing slightly. He'd most certainly kick Adam out or push Adam to the edge of suicide (which he did to me). He's already super critical of us even though he's a high school drop out and ex-convict. Seriously, if he hadn't gotten my mother pregnant (who has a good job and is actually smart), he'd be alone in the slums or in jail. I'm scared for Adam. If he's gay, he'll face way more than what I did/ am. I'm being forced to go to church every Sunday, but Adam would be forced into an exorcism (I'm only half kidding). In reality, I'm the luckiest of all the gay people in my family. The two lesbians and one gay man that I'm aware of in my family were disowned. One was thrown out at the age of 17, one has recently gotten married but no one attended her wedding, and the gay man hasn't been heard from or spoken of for years. Should I talk to Adam? If so, what should I say?
The environment you are living in right now is definitely not one conductive to coming out, considering your brother is only 15 and have a few more years to go until he reaches adulthood and can move away. I think it's best to let him retain his "beard" for now and not forcing him to come out or anything. Judging by the fact that so many rumours have surfaced and his reaction, I'm guessing he is aware and has accepted his sexuality, but due to his surroundings he feels scared and unwilling to come out. As you've said, your family is highly intolerant and have a history of throwing out or disowning gay people. Naturally with this knowledge you brother will be more reluctant to talk to anyone about his history for fear of someone finding out. My advice would be to let him bide his time. If he does talk to someone, he'll most likely talk to you since you're siblings, and the fact you're also gay means that he'll probably find it safer to talk to you. Hope this helps
If Adam is gay or bi it sounds like he is not prepared to come out at this point in time and your father could very well be the reason. If he runs the risk of being tossed out of the house better that he keep things on the down low until he is in a position to support himself. You need to respect that he is not ready to come out and let him do so when he is ready.
I agree with Froggy. Let him take his time and come out when he is ready to. I don't suggest coming out in that environment either. I would just keep a watchful eye and help when you can.
i hope my words aren't harsh... but your dad might be a little bit not educated, and at least, not exposed to the world around him, thus influencing his reaction. Though I am a bit amused that your dad's black AND prejudice against other race and religion. (gee, we're not even talking about gay people) Did he grow up in a kind of homogeneous area? And also, are you guys in the south? it sounds very typical in that region.... <-trying not to be insulting :/
I agree with everyone else in this thread. If Adam is gay, I think that from what it sounds like with all the rumors that he has accepted it by now. However, the home environment doesn't appear to be conducive to coming out right now. You were brave for coming out when you did, but I can imagine that it would be more "hurtful" to your father to learn his son was gay AS WELL AS his daughter lesbian. One would be enough, two might just be too much to handle. Given that I'm just coming out at my age, this next piece of advice might be easier said than done: go see a therapist. Being financially independent helps here, but if you or Adam can somehow convince your Dad that he needs therapy, they can develop the coping mechanisms that he needs. Like I said, probably easier said than done at this point, but worth a shot. Make sure to find an LGBT affirming therapist though, not one who is going to try and "fix" him to be straight. I found mine by browsing headshots on Psychology Today and reading profiles. I've only had one session with him, but I could tell we clicked (and he said that he'd continue working with me, so I guess he did too!).
