Shot down 3 times in 3 weeks =(

Hang in there, nothing wrong with you. I'm 10 years older than you and haven't had the courage to ask one person out, let alone 17 (by my count in your post)! And I think I'll deal with rejection in much the same way, except that I actually am a boring person. You don't sound very boring at all.

Where are you meeting these guys/gals? Maybe a change of venue would be in order? For example,. here in NYC, there's LGBT groups for doing just about everything (none of which I'm a member of, but that will come in due time). Pick something that you're actually interested in, and go for it! A lot better than the bar/club scene I think where people are looking for one-night-stands and not relationships (though one of the groups that I'm thinking about joining is an LGBT craft beer lovers group, but that's an actual interest in tasting beer and respecting beer, not just going out and getting blitzed! Love me a good IPA!)

Just my $0.02

 

This is kind of interesting, and I'm going to give you the same example my councler gave me. There was this man, who was down in the dumps and quite lonely. His confidence, like yours, was shot. So out of an experiment, he just started asking girls if they would like to go on a date with them. Random girls on the street, I mean the worst they could say is no. He asked more then a hundred girls out on dates, and met his wife who was 1 out of the hundred+. This story is just food for though.

 

Honestly, I can't help but wonder if it does have something to do with your ex and your feelings about him. He appears in both posts in this thread so far, and "I started dating right away after we broke up" and "even my ex didn't like me" don't exactly give me the impression that you're over the relationship. Now, I'm not trying to tell you what you're feeling or thinking, but this is what comes to mind for me at least - and if you felt ignored and unimportant with him, those feelings can stick around, and they're naturally going to influence situations you're in now.

That said, sometimes the other person really just isn't ready. Getting turned down absolutely does not have to be a judgment on you. Many people aren't willing to date for a wide variety of personal reasons - listing them could fill a book.

Just remember - dating is supposed to have a low success rate. It only needs to work once, after all.

 

Nothing's wrong with you. In fact, it sounds like you're involved in some pretty awesome things.

Same thing happens to me. Everyone just sees me as friend material and friendzones me cuz I'm sorta a goody two shoes. Maybe if I was mean more girls would like me... They do go for jerks afterall... Anyway, I admire that you even have the courage to ask all those people out. I'm not brave enough to keep trying so I commend you!

 

Hi Neutrality,

Permit me a corny metaphor. I like to think of trying to find a romantic partner like this. Let's say that all the world's 6 billion people make up a jigsaw puzzle. Trying to find a romantic partner is the equivalent of looking amid this 6 billion piece pile for one or more of those very few pieces that fit together exactly right with you. The vast majority won't fit at all, some are the types of pieces that you can kind of sort of jam together and maybe even believe for a while are the correct piece even though they don't fit very well, and only a very few will be a natural fit. Natural fits are more the exception than the rule. When two pieces of a puzzle don't fit, you don't throw one of them away claiming it's defective. It's not because one or the other is bad or wrong, it's simply because they're not complementary pieces.

So don't look at it as some flaw of yours that you've been rejected. Remember, "boring" is NOT an objective term. This is going to sound contrived since this is after all a support site, but to be perfectly honest, if I came across someone in real life who was sensitive, in touch with his emotions, and working with bullied/disadvantaged populations, I would find that person incredibly interesting. However, it's equally valid that this guy you asked out didn't find those things exciting. That's his prerogative.

I know that we're supposed to view rejection as a good thing because at least they were honest and blah blah blah. It is good that they were honest, to be sure, but that doesn't make it any less painful for you. It's hard not to take it as an indictment against your whole personality, but just remember: that is the perspective of one person out of 6 billion. The truth is, even if you were "more exciting" (whatever that means), a lot of these people would still make snap judgments against you because that's just how humans work. The default state with nearly all the people you'll meet is "no romantic connection."

So instead of giving yourself a complete overhaul to match their expectations, concentrate on your own feelings and desires. Yes, other people are mean and arbitrary, but YOU get to be mean and arbitrary too! Focus on what you want, whether you like the people around you, and whether you're enjoying your own life because you absolutely cannot control how other people will respond to you. In short, pretty much keep doing what you're doing because you've not only been identifying the people you like, but you've actually had the guts to ask them out! This merits you the Nobel Prize in Testicular Virility because most people just nurse Secret Crushes of Doom that develop into a big sense of entitlement and lots and lots of pining. Rejection sucks, to be sure, but it's nothing you can't bounce back from.

Remember too: your life is not a circus to be staged for everyone else's amusement. Don't live out your life with calculation towards how exciting it will look to everyone else. Most people do not live the kinds of dramatic lives we see depicted in books, film, and other media.

As for having an edge: typically we imagine someone with an "edge" as someone who pushes limits and boundaries or who does stupidly impulsive things, but I would argue that you are being edgy in the most meaningful sense of the word. You are pushing back and saying "Fuck you" to some of the most awful aspects of our society (i.e., the ones that freak out over anyone not conforming to gender/sex norms and the ones that abandon the economically vulnerable to the streets). Being a kind, sensitive human being does not disqualify you from also being a total bad ass.

 

For every 100 times you are told no there will be 1 yes.

 

So many douchebags so little time...

Being nice =/= boring. And that last one, saying you were "too sweet to date her" reminds me of that issue where prospective employers turn you down for a job because you're "overqualified". Complete bullshit! YOU approached her so you obviously thought she was a decent match for you.

Did any of them really know you well enough to make such infomed judgments on your personality?

I bet you will eventually meet someone just like you through your charitable(?) work. Someone who is also kind, compationate and caring.

 

sound bites of advice. Relationships happen when you are not looking for them and never gauge your self worth in your interactions with others. Find who you aspire to be, be that person, better yourself, realize you are fucking awesome and the right person will be drawn to you. Hope my fortune cookie wisdom helps!

 

Ye, it was. Wasn't sure if it was a paid job or something. I think that's great that you devote yourself to these causes. Here's hopeing your efforts get noticed by the right person.

 

Well, you always want to be yourself ultimately. But you have to highlight the characteristics that you have. Embrace them. Ask yourself if you really want to impress someone that's not right for you. I mean, the girl was honest. She's at a point in her life where she's not looking to be serious, she was honest and straightforward and I can always respect someone telling me that. So focus on the good things about you and eventually, you'll find someone that shares the same interests. The guys that will ACTUALLY hold a conversation with me end up liking me quite a bit. Same goes for friends. You just have to embrace what you have and limit your conversation and be a good listener. I don't ask someone out until they are pretty much dying for me to ask them. And I've only tried it three times since I've been out and it worked each time. I mean, not in the long run but it worked for those moments. Spend time building something first. A week isn't long enough sometime. You have to gauge the person and their level of interests, THEN you pick the time to ask. You don't ask just because it's what you really want sometime. A certain level of self control is needed. I don't think you're wrong for it, I just think you can limit these incidents by being sure about the vibes your getting. I can get so deep into my friend mode to where I actually miss times where people have flirted with me. And you're not unattractive, if you feel unattractive, you can always do more with your hair or your wardrobe. There's lots of little things you can do to boost confidence.

 

Nothing is wrong with you hon. You're cute keep putting yourself out there and I'm sure you will find a girl. It takes time. Just cause three girls don't like you doesn't mean you won't find one.

 

There's no way you can get the friend zone if you never settle. I pursue guys all the time, there's a way to flirt to keep your options open. When you're the guy pursuing, you need some kind of hint that you're doing the right thing. One of the things I do is say something and immediately withdraw it from the table to see how they react. It looks like you're not confident, but it works a lot of the time for me. For example, I'll say.. "well, we've been talking for a few days now and I'm tired of texting, are you open to talking on the phone or..." If you're meeting in person... Just say, "you know, we should hang out sometime, I would really like that.. IF you're not busy." If you already draw this person in then there's no threat of being in the friend zone. The fact of the matter is, if someone's into you, they are going to jump at whatever it is. I really think you're just not meeting the right kind of guy or girl for you. You have to listen to the person speak like I said earlier to know where things are going. Asking people the same way around the same time is not going to work because people are different. So listen to them and they will give you the cues you need to make an informed decision as to how to go forward. And if they give mixed signals, call them out and figure out how they see you. If you're highlighting your traits and people still find you boring, then there's no need to change for them.. you just need to seek out people with common interest. The idea of pursuing a relationship is bad also, you'll end up settling for something that isn't right. Just observe people at your functions and get to know them that way. Shit, there's nothing wrong with the friend zone sometime, it's like putting your feelings on lay a way, and then you come jump in when they are always bitching about how some other guy is screwing up.

 

If a girl tells you you're too nice, it's probably just her trying to let you down easy. It's a common way for women to tell men they aren't interested romantically without being critical or harsh. You aren't actually too nice! Like Amicus said, it just wasn't a fit.

If you are repeatedly being told that you're boring, but you know that you aren't, it might be a communication issue. Do you volunteer information about yourself in conversation, or are you secretive? Do you both listen and contribute to conversation? If you don't really like to talk that much, what kind of activities do you like to engage in that you could include your prospective partner in so they can get to know you through action?

And I understand developing a crush, but is it really so bad to be friends with someone? If you get friendzoned, it's probably because this person isn't interested in you romantically but still wants to hang out and spend time with you. If you didn't think they were worth hanging out with as friends, why were you interested in them in the first place?

Just some food for thought. Take care of yourself and try to find happiness outside of romantic love. You can't make the right person come along, you can only be yourself so they will know you as their right person when you meet.

 

There's no single way to develop a romantic relationship. How you go about it is a combination of what you feel comfortable with, and what the other partner demands. How I personally go about same-sex relationships is becoming friends, but not letting the other person think of you as a teddy bear, that is, a non-sexual being. You always want to keep the sexual tension a little alive, not in a way that's creepy or weird, but just subtle reminders that you're possibly interested in more than friendship. Things like meaningful smiles, touching (appropriately, like the shoulder or hands), meaningful compliments (compliments that you wouldn't normally give a friend), etc. From the sounds of it, you seem to approach relationships like you would a normal friend, and then you suddenly pop the "FYI I like you" card. I understand where you're coming from, as I'm similar, but you're letting a relationship become a platonic one, and then expecting it to change. Once a few weeks have gone by where you've given no sign of romantic feelings, the person will start to think of you as just a friend. It's alright to start as friends, but you want the person to think that you're interested in being more than friends. The friendship should feel legitimate, basically you just want to avoid pretending you're just a friend, or else it will come true

Some people are just upfront about romantic desires, as in, just asking a girl out when you meet her, kissing her on the second date, sex on the third, etc. That might work for them, but I personally feel there's a much greater chance you'll let lust and other superficial romantic feelings blind you to incompatibilities which will surface in the long term.

You don't want to let the friendship run to long, if it gets to the point where they seem like they're not getting any closer to you, just ask them out. They'll probably say they think of you as a friend, but they might say yes. Either way, you'll still likely be good friends if you don't act weird about it. Just be honest.