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A Story I feel the Need to Get Out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by J Snow, Dec 20, 2012.

  1. J Snow

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    Hey everyone. This is something that happened to me a few weeks before I started transitioning. I think I never talked about it, because I really was tired of feeling like this person with a whole bunch of problems, and I wanted to finally stand up and be a role model. I wanted to be there for others, and I didn't want to be this flawed person that needed advice for other people. I didn't see the point of sharing this story, when no one could do anything to fix it. Well there is another thread about trans dating sites, and it brought me back to my story and made me realize that this story might help others from making the same mistake I did. I'm not proud of myself for this, and I blame myself for the events that happened to me, but I think that's typical when someone is sexually abused.

    TRIGGER WARNING: I tried not to make this too graphic, but this is a fairly detailed story. If you have had any experience of sexual abuse, I don't want you to go into this and have a bad experience as a result.

    So this straight identifying larger black man messaged me on this trans dating site and told me how sexy of a woman I made, etc. His grammar was atrocious and his messages read like he thought he was a gangster rapper. I knew from the very beginning I should not have ever replied, but I had just been dumped recently, and I missed the contact of a man. Plus this guy was talking to me like I was a real woman, and I hadn't even started hormones yet. I'm not trying to make excuses, just stating my reasoning.

    So eventually I gave him my number, and he started texting me wanting to "hook-up" that night. I kept telling him that I was busy, not home, maybe later. He started accusing me of leading him on and being a tease. I should have stopped talking back then, but I didn't.

    Eventually when I got home he told me he would get a ride to the adult store down the street from my apartment if I wanted to just come out for a bit and meet him. Against my better judgment I agreed stating that "I am not interested in doing anything sexual or anything like that. I'm only meeting to talk and get to know you for a little bit then coming back and going to bed."

    I don't know how to explain him, except for to say that when I met him he immediately made me uncomfortable. Even though he had told me before he was 100% straight, all of a sudden he was saying, "No one knows I'm into men." and stuff like that. It didn't take him long for him to ask if we could get in my car. I must have told him no at least 10 times before he eventually wore me down. Even though I told him I wasn't doing anything sexual before I met him, he told me "Oh c'mon, do you really know how hard it was for me to get a ride here? Are you really gonna do me like that?" I will admit, I was very scared. I didn't know what I had gotten myself into. I was outside of an adult store with a large black man who was quite frankly scaring the hell out of me. I wish I could say it was just fear that forced me to allow him to get in my car, but I know that for a moment I was so lonely and thought about kissing a man. I just wanted to feel a man's lips again, and so I conceded. I guess this split second of "wanting it" even as brief as it was, is what makes me feel like such scum for getting myself into this mess.

    As you can probably expect, once he was in my car it quickly turned into him pulling down his pants and expecting me to suck him off, right there in the parking lot. I felt too committed and scared at this point to say no, even though I by no means wanted to do it. I asked him to keep a look out, but I kept hearing footstep by the car, and car doors opening and closing right next to us in the parking lot. He kept just saying "I didn't see them" and then eventually "C'mon, you think these sleezy old men care. Do you know what goes on in the back of that place? They are just getting off too." Suddenly I was even more scared because I knew this guy must come here and do this stuff all the time. I felt so stupid.

    This is when things started getting really scary. He started talking about coming back to my apartment, and how there would be "many more nights to come." He told me "Don't you dare cut your hair." That I NEEDED to grow it out for him. By far the most traumatizing thing that happened was when he fingered me out of no where and then took a big whiff of his finger and shouted "OH YEAH, IT SMELLS LIKE FUCKING MAN ASS!" I don't even know how to explain how freaked out I was at that point. I felt disgusting.

    Eventually after enough people walked right by my car I apologized repeatedly and told him I just couldn't do it. I wasn't comfortable doing it in that parking lot with people walking around, I was tired, I wasn't ready after to my relationship, I don't know how many excuses I used, but they weren't good enough for him. He just kept trying to guilt trip me.

    I got in my car and sped down the road. I parked in a parking lot and tried to catch my breath. I had to find my glasses, which had gotten lost in the mess. Once I found them and got back on my way, I saw the car that had dropped him off following me. I sped madly around corners trying to lose them so he wouldn't find out where I live.

    I thought I had lost him when I got out of my car and rushed into my apartment, but the worst part was about to happen. My neighbors were outside smoking and in my rush I had failed to zip up my pants or anything, and my genitals were exposed without my knowledge. As I realized this the car drove past, he had followed me and found out where I lived.

    I guess the story kind of fizzles out after that. He kept texting me and I told him I wasn't interested, and he just said "He'd be waiting." But thank (deity) I never heard from him again.

    Well I'm sorry if this story was tl;dr or tmi, but I think I needed to get it out. I hope this story will function as a warning to other people who make accounts on such sites. I also don't want to give the impression that I compare my story to that of people who have been physically raped with force. I don't know whether to consider what happened rape or not. I blame myself honestly. Even if I didn't want to do it, is it rape if the person asks enough to wear you down into agreeing, or if fear is a motivator even if threats are never actually made? I hope that if others have had this same experience, than they will get some comfort out of knowing they aren't alone.

    Also, the experience has made me really frightened of black men. I feel like a racist, but I can't help but go back to thoughts of that night all the time when I see black men. I often mistake other people for him and am afraid that he found me and will be pissed at me for what happened.

    Anyway, I'm not really looking for support and advice as much as it just feels good to have this out there. Thank you if you actually took the time to read this novel of a post.
     
  2. Sartoris

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    I realise it's easy for me to say so, but nonetheless I don't think you should blame yourself for what happened. From what I've seen, loneliness can lead us to do things that normally our better judgment would advise against.

    I'm not sure what else to say, other than I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share this. But more importantly I'm relieved that you're safe, and hope nothing more comes of this so that you may remain so.
     
  3. J Snow

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    Thank you. The blaming myself is the biggest issue I have from it.