Help? conervative parents and..

Hello everyone.
First of all: Thank you for taking time to read this.
I wanted to sign up to a forum like this, because I don't have close friends or family I could talk about this..

I had a preference for girls all the time, but not the feminine ones. I really liked the tomboyish ones. I have some issues why I can barely talk to normal men (due to some trauma from childhood, I really don't to talk about).. So I went to all girls schools since 5th grade. It didn't really turn out well, but I found friends and partners with my hobbies and interests and the internet. (It didn't work out well so far, but I had some great time with some of them..) I lived in another state and it was my senior year when I told a classmate that I had a grilfriend on accident, and she didn't seem to care at first. But it didn't turn out well and I only had one friend in the whole school I could even talk to during finals.
When I graduated I moved out and I was happy about it. My hometown was in a small all catholic village and the only contacts I had there was a gay couple who I loved hanging out with. I still have contact to them and they really supported me sometimes.
I told my parents that I wasn't straight on my 16th when I went out with a friend from another all girls school. They still tell themselves 'it's just a phase' and my dad just gives me a opinion like 'you can have every boy, you don't need to be shy.'
That's why I really don't like visiting them during holidays or some weekends. But I'm still at college and I need their support in money issues.
That's where we are now. My last relationship was with a transgender boy who I was really curious about. I once told him that I wished to change my gender as well and he gave me the same look as my parents did when I came out.
We broke up soon - not because of that btw.

First it was just a 'i am bored of make-up and hairstyling' issue, but soon I dressed up as a boy moreoften. Due to my hobby I knew how to sew binders and I had some wigs. (I am a cosplayer so I have some male outfits and short hair wigs) and soon I went to college as a boy for a day, too. I didn't get conservative looks or mean comments, but I heard them talking behind my back.
And soon I realized this wasn't what I wanted. I skipped school, kipped traineeships and made myself compfortable in my apartment, waiting for an answer from nowhere to tell me what to do. Soon I began hating my body (due to some hormone treatment my breasts hurt and grew a lot in a few weeks), began hating the curves, the skinny legs and I wanted to change. But I wasn't 18 at that time and my parents would have been called if I saw a doctor. And still, I don't really want to see a psychologist, since I have really bad experience with them. (my parents tried to get me into a mental hospital when I was 15)
But I am scared of surgerys and scared of the conservative people, since I have to switch colleges and move back to my home state where literally everyone is conservative.
I don't have much of friends over here, but I can't go back to where people know me and I don't want to be the new kid again.
Even though I could give my male self a good new start, but I don't know how teachers will react to a male name and I don't know what a 80% girls' class will say.. I know I should not care about them, I would tell myself I shouldn't if I weren't in that situation.
Plus there's the cutting-off of my hair I grew out for 4 years.. And I can't really take testosterone to the fact I have to take other hormones and they won't work together and I don't want to ruin my singing voice. I wanted to become a good writer, but I don't know if I would just get rejected by all the publishers as a transgender (ok, that sound pretty unrealistic but over here, it is ok for them)..
Plus soon or later I'd have to tell my parents and I'm afraid they would reject me, to the fact that I once asked my mom about it and she stopped the car ans let me walk home. And my dad just calls everyone who isn't straight a 'faggot'.. I hate how conservative they are, but they are old and sick and I can't let go of them in such a case,since I'm their only child.