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i dont want to be gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by johnjorgell, Dec 21, 2012.

  1. johnjorgell

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    Hi, first of all I don't mind who is gay out there just not me. I had many same sex experimentations with a cousin my age at 11 then at 13/14 and then at 16. I know that no matter who it was at 11-16 i would do sexual stuff with because i was so desperate. Porn had affected and made me so desperate for sex but unfortunately no girl would consider sex or be too intrested in me. At 16 i had my first serious relationship with a girl and i loved her, touching her over clothes but she wouldn't let us go further. At 16 i honestly felt i was bi curious and performed oral sex on a guy. It occured for a few times because when i told my girl friend she dumped me. So i thought the damage had been done. but i was always so sexually frustrated. Yet everytime i did the same with him i would be depressed and cry for a week or two yet i carried on believing i was bisexual. The only feeling i enjoyed was feeling so deviant and submissive. One day i decided the pain was too hard on me and that i just wanted a girl already so i headed on and found one. She cheated on me and we broke up. I have a history of OCD. i started obsessing about my sexuality until now. All these coming out stories sexual experimentations and the fact that gay guys can be in opposite sex relationships too makes me put alot of doubt in myself. Athough i wish for a wife like Kate beckinsale i would like to accept myself as a gay guy but it doesn't happen i cry and cry but i just can't accept that im gay. Yet if anyone hears my story they too would believe it. Porn did this to me i kept escalating to more exciting porn but im sure it wouldn'tt make me to act on stuff. So i must be gay.
     
  2. Salazar

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    Welcome to EC!

    First off, I'm sorry you feel the way you do. We all know it can be tough accepting yourself, but it becomes easier with time. From what you say, it doesn't sound like you're gay. Do you feel any attraction to women?
     
  3. johnjorgell

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    Yes I love their physical appearance and can connect with them naturally, doing sexual stuff all feels very natural with females its like my body goes with the flow without me realising. I'm always looking at girls and constantly for a possible girlfriend but then I hit the dilema that what if I just feel this way because im in denial. However I have never had a crush on a man or guy ever or felt they're very physically attractive I've tried kissing a gay but I kept my mouth closed so tight because it was so weird it sort of made me cringe as I wished it be a girl. However when I engaged in the stuff I tried to act affectionate and hold his hand like it was a girl but I just felt odd. Now I hate my past but think im just a gay in denial
     
  4. Salazar

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    So you have no attraction to men, physical or otherwise? You're not gay. Apparently it's normal for straight kids to experiment.
     
  5. johnjorgell

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    But why did I experiment if im not gay. Why did I enjoy the oral sex even if it was just because of the humiliation fetish. Why do I get erections to all sorts of porn. I feel like with a guy i can relate because he has what i have and it works the same but with a girl its abit weird because its different
     
  6. RainbowMan

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    Experimentation is perfectly normal - it really doesn't sound like you're gay or bi if you have no physical or romantic attraction to men, unless there's something that you haven't told us yet.

    ---------- Post added 21st Dec 2012 at 06:29 PM ----------

    It sounds like you found the oral sex pleasurable for completely non-sexual reasons - you had no attraction to this man, but rather you enjoyed the submissive aspect of it. At this point, I'm not certain if I'm making any sense at all.
     
  7. johnjorgell

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    Through those years I experimented alotttt although never further than oral sex. And when I see a penis in a porn video I get an erection. I just want a girl who will understand my past and what if I won't like sex with women in the future

    ---------- Post added 21st Dec 2012 at 11:47 PM ----------

    I know taboo stuff really turns me on, infidility, incest and humiliation. But while doing that with the guy I did ask do you want a boyfriend and I would keep asking or asking do you like me sucking you off, purely for the fact that it sounded so wrong. Otherwise who would honestly find having a boyfriend as sexually arousing, I honestly want honesty and thank you for helping. I just can't accept myself if I am gay.
     
  8. Gen

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    While Salazar is right by definition, its not completely that simple. A large number of LGBT individuals are literally unaware of the extent of attraction to the opposite sex atleast slightly before acceptance. Which is why we often see the pattern of,

    "I'm straight"..... " Have an open mind".... "I might be bisexual, but I could never fall in love with the opposite sex"....

    Unbeknownst to most, it is actually very common for the brain to try to block out imformation that we will find undesirable. It is not just in cases of severe trauma. It is unlikely that you will develop any real feelings of emotion or attraction for another man if you so desperately wants them to disappear. (Though that doesnt mean they will go away.)
     
  9. Trailblazer

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    So you've never been attracted to a guy, but you enjoy going down on them? Have you ever thought about having a relationship with a guy, that isn't based on just sex?

    To me though it sounds like you are straight with a kink, possibly bisexual. You seem to be looking at sexuality as a black and white thing, but that isn't really the case. Check out the kinsey scale.
     
  10. johnjorgell

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    Hi thank you for your contribution and I don't enjoy going down on them I did and I have never had a relationship with a guy not based on sex that's the only way I did see guys like in my mind sex was better than no sex at all
     
  11. johnjorgell

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    When I watch gay oral sex I remember what I did and I get very aroused but when I actually do it I am depressed and hate myself its like I like the fantasy more. If I do like penis than im gay. I mean I would like to lick a pussy but sp what

    ---------- Post added 22nd Dec 2012 at 09:56 AM ----------

    The porn video only arouses me once the next time it doesn't it just reminds me
     
  12. sexycapsicum

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    Liking penis doesn't make you gay at all. If you like girls and are also turned on by penis, you may be bisexual. It means that you are sexually or romantically interested in both genders.

    As said earlier, check out the Kinsey scale.
     
  13. johnjorgell

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    I also filmed my experience so when I got home I could show girls and get their attention but I would delete it immediatly after as after ejaculation I hated the world and myself
     
  14. FlameFeather

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    Hey! Believe me i already felt like that, but you need to understand how unique you are...
    Tell me the bad parts of being gay.
    People make fun of you for being gay? Just ignore these guys who can't understand that being gay isn't a choose. ยด\0/`
    And you may be bisexual, or maybe you just like men in a sexual way. Only you can tell us. :slight_smile: