Mad at myself for not coming in my teens

Well, your teen years are already over anyways, so you shouldn't fret at all what-so-ever. I honestly believe coming out in high school is not always the wisest decision, and sometimes it may lead to acceptance and relationships, and sometimes it leads to bullying and harrassment.

Besides, when I come out it will be in college: a totally separate environment from high school.

Please don't think you fucked up your life, when you still have about sixty more years of your life you haven't even thought of yet. Just date over the summer like you plan to and don't worry about what others think of your "wasted youth".

One last thing: Not being out to people and not dating when your 15 or so (my age) shouldn't be seen as a "waste". There's so much more to be done other than romance, like joining clubs, making friends, getting into good classes, etc...

 

Well, are you still connected with those friends? Did you consider them true friends at all?

If you were any sexuality, race, gender, or whatever, do you think the situation would be the same? if so, then they might have been just school friends that you would drift away from eventually.

There is nothing to be ashamed about keeping your personal life, well, personal. Don't feel guilty that you did not come out to people. It is not their right to know. It is about you and how comfortable you felt at the time.

And, again, it's the past, don't fret over it so much, and concentrate on what you want to do this summer, or maybe even this winter.

EDIT: Oh, also, when you're ready to come out fully, maybe do it over facebook, if your high school friends are on your facebook friendlist.

 

Dude, don't fall for the "Golden Teen Years" thing that you hear so often from people over the age of 50. The fact is, it'll feel ordinary right now, but when you get where they are you'll look back and remember good times. Some people have more rowdy times than others, but that's just the way it happened for them. You can't force it, or else you'll look back and think "Damn, what a try hard". Regardless, I'd say what you imagine an "exciting teen life" only applies to a few teens. In reality, teen life is really nothing like the glorified thing depicted in movies. It's mostly school work if you plan to actually go somewhere, perhaps accompanied by some partying (really lame parties too, parents ftw). That's about it. I see where you're coming from about feeling envious of all of the teens starting relationships, but without trying to be cynical, I'd say most of those relationships are shallow, lust driven couplings that usually end when everyone goes off to college. A few lucky people manage to form strong relationships, but that's just it, luck. You don't have much selection when it comes to finding someone compatible with yourself, especially if you're geeky/academic (and are only interested in an intellectual, self-aware partner). College is wayyyy better when it comes to serious relationships, everyone's a lot more mature, there's more people to get to know, you're an adult, so you're not stuck in the tiny area around your school and parent's home.

As for feeling like you've wasted your youth, dude, you're 22. You've only been an adult for 4 years, you're not even getting near middle age. Talk to me when you're 40 (and even then, there's still plenty of time to meet people, 40 is by no means "old"). Put it this way, the 20's are still stereotypically considered "crazy partying years", so if it's really important for you to just seize the day and do something exciting, you've still got 8 years to do that, but I really discourage you from labelling sections of the human lifespan according to stereotypical roles. A lot of 40 year olds go clubbing, fall head over heels in love like they're 16 all over again, etc, etc. Just focus on doing what makes you happy, try to connect to more people, and things will just work out .

Honestly, I'd say come out when it feels right. Don't put it off forever, but honestly, if there's no one that's gay who you're interested in being friends with/dating around you, there's no reason why you should come out unless you genuinely want to. Don't feel like you're obligated to, and definetly don't hop into a relationship because you're feeling lonely. Whenever you feel that painful kind of loneliness, the intense longing to be with someone, I highly advise against trying to act on it by starting a romance. Work out your loneliness by making stronger connections with friends, improve your self-esteem by furthering your talents, etc. You don't want to start a relationship just to fill some void in your heart, or else you'll probably go for the first person who gives any sign of interest, without considering how compatible you really are.

EDIT (ninjaed while I was writing):

Well that happens more often than you think. As great as it would be to completely out and accepted during the teen years, it's not as big a deal as you're making it. Your sexuality is just one part of you, and a very personal one at that. You should come out when you feel ready too, not because you feel like you must.

 

I'm 23 and barely started coming out this year. I've told most of my friends, but no family yet.

I wasn't emotionally or mentally able to accept that I was gay when I was in highschool. I just shrugged off or otherwise pushed aside any gay thoughts. It took a failed marriage before I really came to terms with who I am.

Of the friends I told who knew me back in high school two of them were not surprised at all one of which said and I quote, "I (bleep) knew it!" And the ones that didn't suspect where amazingly accepting.

I don't feel guilty about the past, but I did start to feel guilty for hiding once I started to accept myself so that's what motivated me to start telling friends.

 

I often wish i had come out like it was no big deal before i started dating or hadnt talked about boys so people just assumed i was gay , because i worry that the people that have known me for 14 years (im 21 now) will feel like i have been lying to them by keeping this one major part of me a secret and that they will ask me about my one ex boyfriend . The truth of the matter is that for so long i was lying to myself by dening it that i couldnt even comprehend tell anyone else. Does any of this sound familar ?

 

The past is the past and should stay there. I see no reason to beat yourself up about what you can't change. I would have bludgeoned myself to death years ago if i worried about the past. Follow your heart now and be free enough to look toward a very gay future with rainbows, puffy clouds, and the love of your life. Hugs

 

You are a sweetie and now that I have made you laugh you need to change your mood under your name from depressed to happy. hehehehe Have a puffy cloud and rainbow feeling on me.

 

Dude, just all of this ^^ Couldn't have said it better myself, especially the bit I bolded. It's always been strange to me when people our age and even myself sometimes will feel like I'm old or wasted my life. I always have to step back and think "what life? I haven't even begun to live yet." And honestly I hated being in high school and the whole youth culture never appealed to me while I was in it. So I know when I reach my 20s, I'm not gonna want to go back.

To the OP, first off it's been 5 years since you were 16 and you're acting like you're 65 dying of cancer. You are in your youth, guy. The time you feel like was "stolen" from you and wasted has barely just begun. You're in that time right now. Your teen years may as well count as your baby years because just like babies playing together on the playground, there was shit significant happening on the high school "scene." I don't want you to think I'm being hard on you. I will add that I know how you feel. I've felt that way sometimes myself during and after high school--like I missed out on something. Then I quickly remember that what I witnessed wasn't all it was hyped up to be even as I was seeing it first hand. The truth is: puppy love is cute and it makes you feel good for a second, but 99.6% of the time it came with petty drama and hordes of annoying people (and like AllEternity said, it was usually shallow based.)

Relationships in that environment are all for show. I don't mean the people are getting together for show. They may actually like each other, but their relationship is a show for all their peers to gawk and play some kind of part in. A wanna-be Degrassi: The Bullshit Generation miniseries. Such a pain in the ass. We all know, we all saw--including you--that's what most of those relationships truly were. You know you didn't miss anything special. It's just that maybe not having anything now is making you wish you at least had some amateur stuff from five years ago to fall back on when you think about a happy relationship time in your life, so that it's a memory and not a fantasy. But good for you that it didn't happen that way because right after remembering that first kiss behind the bleachers, the memory of "Oh my god, Darren said this, then Becky did that, oh my god, how could you, squawk, squawk, fucking squawk" will flood in right after it and you'll think "ugh, thank god that's over" or "thank god, I'm not in that shit anymore."

Why relive that even for the tiniest second? (And by the way, that is how long you would linger on, barely even a second before continuing to live in your real life.)

:smilewave

 

I never could have done it in my teens, even if i realized it back then. i don't think it's always a good idea to come out when you're young cause people that age can be unnecessarily cruel.

 

No point having regrets - what's done is done. I had the same kind of feelings until recently, I'm coming out at the age of 31. I've realised that the best thing I can do is look forward to the future, rather than worry about a past I cannot change.