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I just need to say all of this to someone.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by LoveInSpace, Dec 21, 2012.

  1. LoveInSpace

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    Hi there.

    I have some things to say and nobody in my 'real' life to whom I can say them. Whoever you are, reading this, thank you for caring about some stranger on the internet. I really need to get this out. Any advice or words of support would be so appreciated.

    So, I think I screwed up pretty badly and I am trying to figure out how to put things right without hurting anyone more than necessary. I am 24, female, and married to a man. We have a 9 month old daughter. I married my husband after our daughter was born because I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought this guy deserved a chance to be a good father.

    We didn't actually date for very long. It was a rebound thing and I kept trying to get out of it but I am not very good at saying no and hurting people's feelings.

    Anyway my husband has been becoming violent, sometimes in front of our daughter. He throws things and attacks me. It never lasts very long. He never used to be like that. He used to be my best friend. I think it might partially be my fault because I am mean to him sometimes. I get mad at him for having debt and no marketable skills or organization, but really I think I just resent being married.

    I told him when we were just friends that I was bi but I think he just brushed it off with some stupid comment about a 3-way. (Ugh). But for the past two years or so, I have been fairly certain that I am a lesbian. I actually came out to a good friend at one point, and it was such a relief, then I met the man who would become my husband and that was the end of that. He was interested in me, and I tried to end it again and again but I am just not good at being harsh with people so it never stuck.

    Anyway I can't imagine breaking up my marriage / family JUST because I want to have a different identity or whatever, it seems selfish, I mean so many people are not attracted to their spouses, right? They make it work. Am I pushing him to be violent just so I have an excuse?

    Scratch that. Does anyone know how I can make this family work? I am so overwhelmed right now, I can't bear to let my little girl see anymore fighting. I don't know what it's doing to her subconsciously, I can only hope she is alright. She is such a happy soul, I don't want to damage that.

    I can't divorce him because I am afraid he would get partial custody of our daughter, and then they would be alone together, and I do not believe she would be safe. At least while we are married, I can make sure I'm always there for her.

    I don't even care that much if I have to stay "in the closet" forever, but I think I am creating a really bad situation right now. I need to know how to make a more peaceful home.

    Thanks for reading...I think I am losing my train of thought, It's all over the place now.
     
  2. RainbowMan

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    First, the safety of you and your daughter is important above all else - but you already knew that.

    I get that you've told your husband that you were bi, but have you had any more conversations since drifting more to the lesbian side? Have you been seeing other women? Trying to put myself in his shoes, I'd be very hurt if my wife seemed to be unfaithful to me, and even more so if it were to a woman (I'm pretending that I'm straight here.....). This might be a cause of the violent behavior, but that doesn't make it acceptable. Let me reiterate here - if you're in a situation where you feel physical harm could come to you and/or your daughter, you need to GET OUT OF THAT SITUATION IMMEDIATELY. If the danger is imminent, I'd go as far as calling 911.

    Secondly - (I'm not out to my family at all) most of my siblings are divorced (actually everyone but one has gotten divorced. some have remarried, are seeing people, etc). Divorce isn't a bad thing, and you wouldn't be breaking up your family to have a different identity - you'd be doing to live your true identity. There's a big difference there. Living a lie is just going to make you miserable, and you don't deserve that. I can already tell that you're a caring, loving person just from one post, and you deserve better than misery for the rest of your life.

    I'm far from an expert in matters of divorce, but if your husband truly does have violent tendencies, I couldn't see him getting even partial custody of your daughter in the event of a divorce - the court would have to be completely irresponsible to allow that to happen.

    I hope that made sense and welcome to EC! You'll find lots of great advice here.
     
  3. PeteNJ

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    First, there is nothing more important than safeguarding your daughter and yourself. Neither of you should be exposed to the violence you describe. Not sure where you live, but in my part of the country (US), there are community resources for women and children in violent home situations.

    Second, you can't "make" your husband do anything. Maybe you piss him off, annoy him, whatever -- but you don't make him become violent. He is responsible for his actions, not you.

    Have you reported any of this violence to the police or social services? It may be hard to do, but you cannot risk you or your daughter's safety.

    Keeping your home safe is the main thing you need to do for yourself and your child.

    Once you are sure of that you can decide what to do about your sexuality and marriage. You need to take a look at your own needs, desires, wants and whether that will work within your marriage (assuming your husband gets counseling and treatment for the violence). If you divorce, he will have parental rights. However, if there is a history of violence, the judge will take steps to keep you and your daughter safe.

    As a divorced Dad who is the custodial parent, I once was in the same spot, petrified that my alcoholic wife might have custody of the kids.

    Please look for support, a counselor or therapist, a women's group. One of the smartest things someone told me when I was going through all of this is "Now is not the time for you to be strong and do it all yourself. Now is your time to be "weak" and find the support you need." Best advice I ever got. I reached out to support organizations, friends, family -- I shared many a cry with them, my hurts, my sadness, my confusion.

    I wish you all the best. Please keep posting.

    Pete
     
  4. Unsuregirl

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    OK FIRST OFF, I dont care how mean you are or what you say, HE SHOULD NOT BE VIOLENT!!! I have made alot of guys mad but bless their hearts, they never ever got violent with me. EVER.. THIS IS A SIGN GET OUT, I know you want to make it work, and I'm sorry if this comes out harsh, but hunny its not worth it, 99 percent of relationships dont make it these days, its nothing new, and your not really needing to leave for your sexual preference. You need to leave for the safety of you and your child. Then you can deal with the part of who you need to be to be you after that.

    My mother was a very severe drug addict when I was a child, well always. She dated a man who had a tendency to show violence towards me. It gets worse, it always gets worse. They start out small and eventually you are going to be trying to hide bruises and black eyes, and maybe even cuts from sharp objects. Get out just for your safety.

    ALl my love, hoping you are well. And I wish you all you need to do whats best.
     
  5. Odahingum

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    The best lesson you can teach your kid is to be true to yourself and build your own happiness. I wish my mother had been a bit more selfish and left my father while she still had a chance to make her own life. Instead, she stayed stuck to a family life that only made her more miserable every day.
     
  6. LoveInSpace

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    Thanks again to all of you for reading this.

    I have not been unfaithful or aything - (ha! Where would I get the time?)

    I posted that original message after we'd had a fight, and yeah, I felt like a total idiot when my dad noticed bruises and I had to make up some stupid thing, but when we are not fighting...I guess I get hopeful. He's really not malicious, just bad at self control.

    I feel like I am pushing him away and causing all this trouble, and if I could just get over myself we might have a chance at having a good, normal family.

    We actually had a good conversation last night where I brought up the issue of sexuality, I told him I've been having trouble seeing myself as "only" a female wife and mother, and that I am struggling with the idea of living life as a "straight woman" forever - it's not that I want to be with anyone else, because I don't, it's just hard to figure out how this life and this marriage can be a genuine expression of who I am.

    He listened well, and tried to understand, but it didn't take long to get back to "so...this means you would be down for a 3-way, right?" (sigh). Ummm not really what I was getting at. Not at all. But I appreciate him trying to understand.

    I guess it's hard to explain something to someone that I don't really understand.

    Plus I am still trying to figure out how to make myself be attracted to him and to love him the way I should, and then maybe we will stop fighting and everything will be alright.
     
  7. Odahingum

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    You cannot make yourself like someone who simply doesn't ring your bells. Any gay person can confirm that. Also, don't think that you "should" love him just because you happen to be married to him. You decided to marry him at a moment in your life when you didn't know a lot of things about yourself that you know now. Very often new knowledge implies different choices. And this is about your right to give yourself happiness, not your perceived duty to meet other people's expectations.

    You describe the situation like it's all your fault, like it can be magically solved if you just try harder. But you are not being fair with yourself. You are not liable for how he chooses to deal with his frustration. If you really want everybody around you to be happy, how about this: let your husband be free from a marriage he's not enjoying, let your kid be free from an undesirable role model, and let yourself be free from a life you don't want.