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All I want for Christmas is to go back into the closet?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ohioguy05, Dec 21, 2012.

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  1. ohioguy05

    ohioguy05
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    I am so frustrated right now... I'm 23 and a very conservative person (teacher with a house in the suburbs and the white picket fence). I struggled for about 4 years, trying to figure out if it was worth coming out of the closet. I think I'm gay... I'm more attracted to guys than girls... but I also NEED to live an "acceptable lifestyle" according to others to keep living the life I love. I dated girls for a while, but never felt that rush or love...
    Finally, however, about Halloween, I came out of the closet to the world. I told a few close friends (to various reactions). I told my mother, which was an awful experience that nearly caused me to have a nervous breakdown, and I joined a dating site. I found a guy I liked almost immediately, and the world suddenly seemed hopeful and wonderful. When I met him, we clicked immediately and I felt as if I could live with being out of the closet. Whereas my family disapproved and I couldn't tell anyone at my job, my time with him was golden. I know that sounds really gushy and I sound like a teenage girl, but its how I felt... and it was the first time I have ever felt it in my whole life. Maybe it was love... I don't know.
    Despite how I finally felt fulfulled, I became stressed elsewhere in my life. My parents wouldn't treat me the same. I had to lie to my friends I hadn't come out to about where I was on date nights, since many of them would never accept me if they knew the truth. I gave nervous glances when we were out at restaurants, afraid that the parents of my kids at school would catch me and I would be fired on the spot. I lost sleep over it.
    This is really personal, I know, but when my boyfriend and I had sex...it was different than with girls... I enjoyed it, I suppose, but it wasn't really that different than it was when I was with girls. It wasn't great enough for me to risk all of my life to have it.
    Then I broke up with him. IT wasn't my fault. I tried my hardest to keep it going. I even walked with him through a crowded church with a bunch of my parents friends in it. I spent extra hours with him, and then he broke up with me. He wasn't feeling the same feelings I was. He wasn't feeling the same about me as I was him. IT wasn't because I was uncomfortable being gay. It was that we weren't a match on his end. I respect that.
    Now, I am depressed and sitting at home before Christmas, wondering where I should go next. The stress I felt after coming out has only increased and the world is closing in around me. I could either try to find someone else in the new year and try it again, risking everything I love. I could also go back into the closet and pretend it was all a phase. I may not feel the rush of love, but I could at least live up to my own expectations of how life should be for myself. I discovered that gay sex was...eh.... So that was a plus from this experience. I just don't know what to do with my life...
    I can't give up my job... I love every second of it and I couldn't live without being a teacher. It wouldn't be possible. I want kids of my own someday, and being a gay man would make that difficult, even with surrogates and adoptions. If I went into the closet, I could have everything I want in life, except for that rush and giddyness I had with this guy. I would never cheat on my girlfriend or wife, just so you know... So if you say that chosing to go back in to the closet would end like this, you are wrong. I jsut would be afraid of how to explain this 2 month fling I had this year to my future wife down the road.... awkward. I don't know.... any help you might have would be appreciative.
     
    #1 ohioguy05, Dec 21, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2012
  2. 4AllEternity

    4AllEternity
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    Well you're clearly stuck in a difficult situation. I'm assuming your area and schoolboard is very conservative, and as such might actually fire you for being gay (I'd subtly investigate to see if this is actually the case). There are much more progressive regions out there, if you're willing, Canada has a much more accepting school system. While being a publicly gay teacher might raise some eyebrows, it would nowhere near get you fired, and any douchy parents would be the rare minority. However moving that far from your home is obviously a very difficult decision.

    All I can say is, from my experience being bisexual (gay-leaning), the first true love I had was with a guy. And it was on an entirely different level than any other mild crushes I'd had before. The thought of just being with this guy, being able to express affection to him, just made me so unbelievably happy (unfortunately, it didn't work out. He is bisexual too, but he's just not looking for a relationship atm, but we are bffs now :slight_smile: ). Whenever I'd crushed on a girl, it was a very hollow and unfulling experience compared to this.

    So I say this, if being with this person made you happy, gave you that feeling that there is no comparison too, I would not hide from it. In this case he didn't feel the same, but you're young enough that you still have really high chance of meeting another compatible person, and that time, maybe they'll feel the same :slight_smile: There is no better feeling in life than having someone that you love, who loves you back. Knowing that they're there for you, that they understand you, is just one of the most comforting things there is.

    If you want to have both, from the sounds of it, your best option is finding somewhere more accepting.
     
    #2 4AllEternity, Dec 21, 2012
  3. ohioguy05

    ohioguy05
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    Thanks for your advice. I unfortunately think I am stuck where I am for a while. I teach American History, so I think I will probably need to stay in the United STates too! lol
     
    #3 ohioguy05, Dec 22, 2012
  4. Deaf Not Blind

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    I bet you do better than my university teacher...he has tested us on subjects that he has not yet taught!

    Gee Ohio got a ton of gay men...I keep meeting them, it's nuts! You all are conservative, raised Christian homes, and gay! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: How is this possible?

    Anyways, why sweat it? If you don't see somebody you love right now, do you NEED to find one? Don't you figure at age 23 you could still wait a bit? Maybe the person of your dreams isn't even out or is in college still. Survive in the meantime with loving yourself and all your friends, be a kind helping person. Eventually it will turn out good, I am sure.

    PS the solution to all your problems is a batch of fudge. Go eat goodies!
     
    #4 Deaf Not Blind, Dec 22, 2012
  5. mnguy

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    It sounds like you've done the hard part already. I don't think you should try to date women. Look at the following link, there are lots of places you can teach without threat of losing your job for being gay. Even though Ohio doesn't have a state law, there are probably city laws. I'm sure there are out gay teachers in Ohio. Any school that would fire you for being gay sucks anyway so why would you want to be associated with that ignorance? You've done the hard part, just take your time and you'll meet another guy and figure this out. Take care :thumbsup:

    Movement Advancement Project | Employment Non-Discrimination Laws
     
    #5 mnguy, Dec 22, 2012
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