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Having trouble allowing others to accept me.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by lastfridaynight, Dec 22, 2012.

  1. lastfridaynight

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2012
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    Location:
    Sheffield, England
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I've been aware of my attraction to girls since I was around 12/13 (I'm 22 now), and I remember watching TV shows and having crushes on actresses and trying my best to hide that attraction (most of the time I was sure that people would be able to tell, and I used to feel uncomfortable if any reference to lesbians was made because I thought it would 'click' to my family that they were describing me..idek what my mind was doing to be honest). Anyway, I kind of hid this attraction away for quite a while, during my high school years, and I saw that my cousin had a crush on a male singer and I copied her. It made me feel like an adult to have some kind of crush that I could admit to, and I thought everything was okay. During my sixth form studies I really didn't have any kind of sexuality that I can think of. I had a crush on one of my teachers at a certain point, and found some girls attractive, but I buried myself into my studies and pushed potential friends away (two guys took me out for coffee a few times and I basically cut all contact with them, which I think explains a lot). In my third year of college I started developing anxiety, which led to me having to take time off, but I passed all my exams and got my admittance to a good university. Unfortunately, I lasted less than a term at my university and had to leave because my agoraphobia and anxiety was uncontrollable. While I was there, I considered going to an LGBT group because I saw the poster and despite hiding my feelings for a number of years I knew that was where I belonged. At that point I was just too anxious to go, though, so it obviously didn't work out for me. I should probably mention that I never attributed my anxiety to my sexual orientation, but it's probable that deep down that had something to do with it.

    Three years after leaving university I'm still struggling with my anxiety, but I've had a lot of realisations about my orientation in that time. I came out to myself and it felt like a weight had been lifted, and I slowly made friends on the Internet and tried not to hide it from them. When it comes to my real life friends, and my family, I'm finding coming out to be much harder. I can say 'I'm gay, I'm a lesbian, and I'm happy' in my head, but the idea of saying 'I'm gay' to someone who knows me fills me with dread. I feel as though I'm giving them the opportunity to judge me. Because I know exactly what stereotypes people have of lgbt people, especially if they've never really been exposed to them before (although my home town was fairly accepting, my family wasn't originally from there so they've been raised with different viewpoints). My close family (the only family who really matter to me) have always said they're accepting/will be accepting of any orientation, and I know they will be (I've told my mum and sister about my feelings at this point, I've told them I 'like girls' but every time they ask whether I'm gay I just spout something about not liking labels/not really knowing/'who knows who they'll fall in love with one day?' and I'm scared to admit to them that this is who I am. As I said, I don't care that they seem to be accepting, I just worry that they'll be accepting on the surface but underneath they'll feel as if they don't really know me anymore. I don't want them to think of me as different, just because of this. I think the fear is that the label of being gay/lesbian will give me a coat to wear that feels foreign and they'll think of me as being that coat rather than being the person I really am. I just hate feeling this way when I know that I'm no different because of a label. Part of me wonders whether it stems from me not really knowing what being gay meant when I was growing up. When I did learn about it I thought that gay people were born gay and grew up knowing that fact, when now I obviously know that you grow up the way anyone else grows up and, just the way everyone comes to recognise their sexual feelings, you slowly recognise your own. I know they haven't had the same learning curve as I have, so I'm worried their thought process is still stuck where mine was.

    Another part of me is worried about saying this and then maybe falling in love with a guy somewhere down the line and looking as though I was lying. It's stupid, I know, because no straight person has to worry that one day they'll fall in love with a member of the same sex-they just get on with being straight and dating as they see fit and if they do fall in love with someone they didn't expect to then it doesn't make their past identity false or a lie. That's just how life is. I tried ignoring my orientation again for the past year, and it's just wearing me down. I can feel myself slipping into depression and anxiety even further when I do that, and it's not good for me at all. The past week I've been looking at some of the books I bought when I was starting to feel comfortable with myself and they've really helped and I'm feeling happier now but I still have this worry of being completely out hanging over me. I don't think it helps that I was part of Tumblr for a while, and I was surrounded by people who liked 'gay gay gay' things because of the aesthetic appeal, and it was all about sex and porn and it made me feel as though the identity I have was being misunderstood as used as some kind of fetish material in some way. It made me feel really uncomfortable that these people thought they were being accepting, but it actually just felt as though they were using gay guys as commodities and it rubbed me the wrong way. I'm sure you'll know what I mean if you've been part of that kind of fandom on that site.

    Anyway, I've rambled now and I'm not even sure what I'm looking for. I think I just need some kind of reassurance, and I felt the need to vent because it's something I can't really do in real life. Thanks for reading if you managed to get through it all.