So last night I was hanging out with my brother and roommate and my roommate's girlfriend. We were playing Euchre. All night my brother seemed to be purposely misgendering me at every turn. Like incredibly passive aggressive. I correct him but typically try to avoid direct confrontation because it always ends up with him screaming at me and kicking me out and me crying myself to sleep. Anyways, at one point I made a joke about how Veronica and I were winning because girls are smarter than boys, and my brother throws down his cards and looks me square in the face and very sternly informs me "you are not a fucking girl". I shook my head and my friends didn't say a single thing just started going back to the game. Instead of just taking the abuse I threw my cards down and said "yes I am!" and walked out of the room. Thus ensued yet another scream fest between him and I. Him telling me that I am fucked up and saying shit like "show me your fucking pussy then, faggot! You're a fucking man and always will be". I turned to my friends and was like "why don't you two stand up for me, listen to what he is saying". Veronica then screams at me that there is nothing to defend me for that my brother hasn't done anything wrong. She kept telling me that I need to see things from other points of view "you're his brother and nothing is going to change that". My brother just started shouting at me "walk away! walk away! walk away!" I tried to stand my ground and told him I'm not going to be told what to do by a him, but he wouldn't stop getting in my face and screaming so I eventually did walk away and ended up spending the rest of the night crying alone in my room. At one point I went out to the kitchen to get water and my brother was like "so I guess I'm sorry for shouting at you" I didn't say anything, then he said "are you going to apologize to me? of course not!" I told him I didn't have anything to apologize for and that I am not going to forgive him so easily for the things he said to me. I've been off-and-on crying today just thinking about it all. I hate being so dependent on my family to survive. I hate being unemployed. I hate my body.
First things first .. don't EVER hate yourself .. ever .. nothing good comes from that ... The next bit may be a bit harsh .. I am not attacking you or anything .. I am just stating the truth in the situation .. ok ? What is happening here is that your brother is not accepting what you are doing to yourself .. you aren't the "brother" he used to perceive .. I think he is acting as if its a phase or maybe even a try for attention on your side that will either go away on its own or he (and others) will make it go away .. and this is obviously not his view alone (apparently so does the roommate and his GF) .. the point these people look at is this .. you are a guy who is attempting to be something he is not .. but they all love you .. so they try to avoid looking at it like this and simply accept your presence there .. but of course when you bring it up .. they also bring their point of view on it .. which is not what you want to hear .. simply .. they love you but don't approve of what you are doing .. but their love to you can overcome the foolishness (again that is from THEIR perspective) that you do and dream about ... The only thing I saw wrong in the situation came from you .. sorry .. but I know it was unintentional .. when you simply said "us girls" .. you should've read the situation more clearly .. he kept all night (as you said) noting that you aren't a girl .. it isn't true .. I know .. but to him the version of the situation is different .. he is looking throw a different side then you .. and everything in life has many sides to it where people see it either wrong or right .. sadly he sees it the wrong way .. and everyone around you noticed his take on the situation and said nothing since they probably believe the same .. you just pushed it beyond their limit of acceptance ... I will not say "you should've done this" .. or "you are wrong" .. cause seriously .. you aren't .. you are being who you are .. but please keep it mind how hard it is for them .. to your brother .. he is losing the brother he grew up with for some foolishness in his head .. and who knows what your other friends think .. but they obviously think something along the same lines .. so you shouldn't really be in a situation like that and just rub it in their faces because they will simply do the same (from their perspective) .. try to read the situation more clearly in the future .. right and wrong aren't really determined by the truth but by the numbers believing in a certain view .. and you weren't outnumbered but actually overwhelmed ... Just know that even though they might not accept what you are doing .. they love you more then to act on those feelings .. just try hard to get out and move on your own .. its hard I know .. but just keep at it until you manage to do it .. and avoid confrontations like that since nothing good will come out of them ... And once again .. regardless of what happens .. don't ever hate yourself ...
I don't think you sounded harsh. Honestly, I posted this same thread on a buddhist support forum I use and got much more virulent and intolerant posts from them, and their freaking buddhist for Pete's sake.
Reading stuff like this makes so angry, my God. I'm sorry you had to go through this. But yeah don't hate yourself.
Well .. someone being one thing does not mean that s/he is a good tolerant person .. some jews call themselves the sons of god and despise everyone around them .. some christians talk all the time about love and practice hate in all its forms and types .. some muslims call themselves the religion of peace while nothing they do is any close to peace .. and most atheists hate everyone including themselves :lol: .. and that is speaking about some religions alone ... There is no guarantee that someone who is on one side would be better then someone else on the other side .. there is good and bad everywhere .. its only a matter of one's perspective on issues .. so once again don't feel bad because they were unaccepting or intolerant .. I am sure there are some goodness there as well ... And the only pete I know is Pete from disney :lol: ...
Remember that when someone comes out as trans, the people around them have to deal with the same loss/grief as if you had died. The brother that he knew has died, was never alive in the first place. He has to get past that in order to accept the sister that he never knew he had. It is NOT okay, however, for him to call you a faggot etc. It's okay for him to not want to talk about it, okay for him to say that he doesn't understand, even that he still thinks of you as a boy. He has to deal with that in his own time. Yelling at you and calling you names is abusive, and feel free to get angry. When he's not mad, could you ask him to just not say anything when you make comments like that? Ask him to give you the chance to figure things out, or something?
I'm sorry all this happened and it never should have. He sounds like a total ass and I'd avoid him as much as you can until he recognizes you as female. Your friends should have stuck up for you too. You said roommate so I'm guessing you don't live with your brother. How long have you been out as a woman to him? He'll need time to adjust, but you can't wait for him forever. It's very childish of him to keep using male pronouns for you since he knows you don't like it. Even if he doesn't like your change, he should respect you and not intentionally insult you like that. Maybe you'll need to restrict communication to email so you have time to edit what you say to avoid upsetting eachother. Take care (*hug*)
Wow your brother is an ass. I disagree with None. I don't think you did anything wrong. Your brother should have been more understanding and definately should not have shouted at you. If he rolled his eyes or just looked mad then fine but to actually start arguing over your gender was not acceptable. I'm also really surprised that your friends didn't say anything! How close are you guys? Maybe you should ditch them.
I disagree with None too. The things your brother said were just plain disgusting. I can't believe how rude and disrespectful he was. Just because he's upset about something that does not give him the right to treat you like shit. I understand what everyone is saying about how it is hard for the brother to adjust because you're transitioning, but there are better ways that he could've expressed his concern. For example, if he had said "listen I'm having a hard time getting used to all this because I've always view you as my brother and I don't understand what you're doing" I'm sure things would not have gone down the way they have. But instead he insulted you. It is your brother's fault for not taking the time to understand you because I"m sure if your brother would have spoken to you politely and in the way I said, you would have explained things to him and helped him. So basically what I'm saying is. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were being yourself. You reacted in anger and rightfully so because he was being a prick. You were defending yourself. Now if you want to work things out with your brother, I think maybe you should talk to him and express to him how you feel. Explain to him why it matters so much that he calls you by the correct pronouns and refers to you as the gender you truly are. Maybe ask him what he's confused about and encourage him to ask questions about things he doesn't understand. Your brother seems extremely immature so if you want to reach him, I think you would unfortunately have to be the one making more of the effort. But if after all that you don't want to talk to him and take the time to explain things since he was being a complete douche, I wouldn't blame you at all. Your mental health comes first and if he's really affecting you and you can't reason with him, cut him off. You don't need toxic people in your life anyways.(*hug*)
Hey .. lets get one thing clear here .. I did NOT say he had the right to do so .. at all .. all what I said was that he simply acted based on his perspective of the situation .. which isn't really the right one but its still his perspective on which he acted based on ... That is the truth of the situation .. he is handling it in a bad way .. and not just him but everyone around her .. so it isn't right to simply pour gasoline over a raging fire (even if its unintentional) and then say its not my fault .. and I didn't say it was her fault either .. but you have the right to disagree .. I just thought I should get it out there ...
