I feel so shit I just need to get it out. I’ve been struggling with this situation for so long now, I need to get an outside opinion because I don’t feel like I can be objective anymore. As some of you might know, I’ve had a boyfriend for almost nine months now. My first boyfriend ever, and I’m still not sure who I am, who I’m attracted to, who I wanna end up with. Well, we all know who we want to end up with, but sometimes it’s not a choice. I’m more confused than ever. Don’t get me wrong, though, I love my boyfriend a lot, and I’m not unhappy.. in fact I’m happier than I’ve ever been with any of my ex girlfriends. However, this being in a relationship with a guy thing somehow just doesn’t grow on me. I don’t feel completely comfortable, sometimes even plain wrong. I know feeling really happy yet so uncomfortable seem like totally contradicting feelings – and they are --, but that’s the way it is. It leads to me being very instable in terms of my mood and feelings, and more importantly, to me not being out to any of my family except my older brother (who, for the record, is completely fine with it. He’s a great brother). I always knew this would be somewhat of an issue, especially for my boyfriend, but he’s been great about it and very patient and I can’t put into words how lucky I am to have such an understanding boyfriend. This afternoon, however, we met up in our apartment (he’s also my roomie), and he broke down. I didn’t expect that to happen and was taken off guard. He confessed how this has been harder on him than he’s shown, and how devastated he is about not being able to spend Christmas together, that that’s all he wants. It’s what I want as well, hell it’s been on my mind for months, but I cannot bring myself to tell my parents. I just can’t. My boyfriend doesn’t cry easily, he hasn’t cried in years. Yet in the nine months we’ve been together I’ve already made him cry three times. I feel like a terrible boyfriend. Instead of making him happy I make him miserable. I sometimes wonder why he even stays with me. There’s really not much to stay for. But I’m happy for as long as he does. This can’t go on like this anymore, though. I’ve never seen him like this afternoon, I’m clearly ruining the guy’s life. He will never admit it, but it’s true. I can see it myself. He will be unhappy if I keep him a secret. I will keep him a secret. It’s not a matter of not caring anough about him to take the leap, it’s about being too scared to do it. I know I sound like an egoistical asshole, but compare it to being afraid of the dentist; you know you have to go, but you don’t. Or being scared of spiders; you know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them, but there’s not way you’ll touch one. It’s not about reasoning or clear thinking, we can all do that.. it’s about mentally not being able to do something. It feels exactly like that. Am I being selfish? On the one hand I feel like I am, on the other I feel like it’s my right to do all this on my own terms. So.. am I? I regret getting into this relationship. I should’ve known I was in no position to start something serious. But now there’s no way back. I don’t want it to end. But I don’t want to tell my parents. I feel so extremely stuck. I have for months now. I increasingly feel like there’s absolutely no way out of how I feel. I’ve told my parents I haven’t been feeling well lately. Obviously I can’t tell them the whole truth and I don’t feel they’re taking anything I say seriously. I feel so.. disconnected from everyone. I’m not sure why. I think it’s me doing it, really. Something else leading from all of this, which I’ve been postponing addressing, but feel like I really should now: I’ve always been quite a heavy drinker, it’s never been a problem really, and I can handle my alcohol quite well. I just like the taste, and.. well.. let’s be honest.. being drunk can be fun as well. Nothing wrong with some teenage rebellion, right? I’ve been drinking a lot more lately, though, and I know it’s not just for the fun of it anymore. I might give the wrong impression now – it’s not because I feel like I have to; I don’t have to, it’s not that bad. But people have been commenting on it, and though I shrug it off as nothing to them, I know deep down inside that when I think about it, the reasons for my drinking have changed, and that’s not a good thing. It’s starting to affect my social life as well, and that has to stop. I’m going to be completely honest here, and say that I have absolutely no idea what to do besides either drinking or tearing down my room when I’m in one of my bad moods. The idea of not being able to do either of them is terrifying. I know that’s not a very healthy way of dealing with things, but I’ve tried talking to my parents, and I can’t help it if they don’t take me seriously. I don’t want my brother to know, he’s way too protective. And my boyfriend’s not an option. For starters he’s part of what I want to talk about, so I can’t do that with him, and secondly he just gets mad about me and alcohol. I know this post has been all over the place. I’m sorry for that. I tried to make it into something that made sense, but it looks like I failed. Not sure if there’s any advice to give, I’ve just kept all this inside for too long, and I need something to change, so any thoughts are welcome. I can’t look at this situation objectively anymore and I need someone to tell me the honest truth about how it looks. Thanks if you read through all that, must’ve been one hell of a job. I appreciate it.
Oh Justin........ Deep down inside don't you think you will be happier if you come out to your family? I really do think you have take the plunge. I can't imagine your situation carrying on. Everyone has a breaking point and by the sounds of it, your BF is reaching his and if I am to be brutally honest, yes it is your right to handle this on your own terms, but not if your going to be dragging someone else along for the ride. I think I understand what you mean about it being weird being in a relationship with a guy, seeing as it is your first. Do you tihnk the reason why you feel so weird or wrong is because you are keeping it a secret? I strongly suspect that might be part of the reason. And what do you mean by your family don't take you seriously? What exactly are they not taking your seriously over?
.....after reading all that, i'm not sure what to say. it's obvious that this relationship as it is now is taking its toll on both of you... i'm inclined to say that, despite your love for each other-- or rather BECAUSE OF your love for each other, you two should end it... for each others' sake as well as for yourselves. it will be hard and painful on both of you and you may or may not lose the friendship that you once had, but at least your boyfriend would be able to move on and find someone who is willing to introduce him to their parents for what he really is. at least you will be able to stop being torn about coming out of the closet for someone else's sake. despite saying all that, though, i still worry that your drinking problem may remain as it is or even worsen once you two separate. that's often the case, sadly... and you will need to be sure that you get help for yourself regarding your problem. don't drown yourself in all the emotions and possible guilt that comes with a separation... please get help. also, one more thing re: never coming out of the closet. you are absolutely right that you should only come out of the closet when you're ready and on your terms, but if you never come out you will never get to live your life as you should... you will always be tied down, even once this relationship is over. can you really bare to live a life like that...? just a thought... i hope that you can work out what's best for both you and your partner. best wishes to you both.
If you want to keep your boyfriend and not feel selfish, you have to come out to your family. Cutting down the drinking might make him feel better too, and you'll be able too once the stress is off. Could you possibly talk to him about the situation? Maybe agree on a timeline for when you will introduce him to your parents, and let him talk about what he wants? He sounds very devoted to you, and it would be tragic to toss it away for something comparatively trivial in the face of a great, loving relationship.
To be quite blunt, it sounds like you're being *extremely* selfish... The fact that you stated that you WILL keep him a secret regardless of how much it is breaking his heart is a little cruel, don't you think? Obviously it's your life, but the longer you stay with him it isn't just YOUR life anymore, it is BOTH of your lives, and you have to take that into consideration with the decisions that you make. I really believe that if you don't plan on coming out anytime soon, you should reevaluate your relationship with your boyfriend and maybe part ways. I have been with someone who wasn't out, and it was one of the most miserable relationships ever. I can honestly say that I know his pain, and it is heartbreaking. Needless to say, the relationship didn't last. Please do yourself and your boyfriend a favor and seriously consider your future with him and how you want things to pan out. If you truly love him and care for him, wouldn't you do whatever it takes to make him happy? I'm sure he would do the same for you: hell, he is doing the same for you by enduring this emotional roller coaster. I'm not trying to sound cruel at all, but this post does hit a nerve with me. Please don't be selfish about this. Take his feelings to heart. If you can't do that, then maybe it's best you two take separate paths. Best of luck....
Forgive me for being blunt here, but you're being a jerk. I'm not out, and not in any relationship. I think that being out is a necessary prerequisite to a healthy relationship though. As integrand said, who has been on the other side of this, it must be absolutely devastating for him right now. You have the right to decide who you come out to and when, BEFORE getting into a relationship. Now you're dragging someone else, who has his own needs, wants, and desires, into that process, and that's not being fair to him. You need to either come out quickly, or break off this relationship so you can both move on. But keep this in mind (I've learned this one the hard way in my 33 years, and I'm just starting to rectify the situation) - if you never come out, you can never experience happiness.
You worded this so much more gracefully than I did, haha. But yes, Justin, you should really think about what you're doing to him. I hope it works out and you take our advice seriously...
Hey i'm sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. You gave me some really good advice back at the end of the summer when my bf broke up with me and said he never liked me and he likes girls. I almost got chills sort of reading what you just wrote because he felt i think exactly like you are feeling right now. He started drinking and doing drugs as well. Somehow you need to not give in to the fear and make decisions based on that. At some point you are going to have to be honest with your family and everyone else. If you don't deal with this now you will have to somewhere down the road. And you know that. I think this is hard for some people but you're not a bad person. I feel really bad for you and your bf. It's clear that you really do love him and if he's a great guy don't be too quick to throw it all away. Great guys are hard to come by. You may need a break or some time or just slow things down. He will probably understand after the initial shock and hurt wears off. Explain to him where you are at right now and hopefully he will understand and help you through this. Another thing you haven't ruined his life. My bf said to me that i'm the best person he's ever known and he hates himself so much for ruining my life. But you know what? He didn't ruin my life. I can see that now. And i don't hate him i wish i had found this sight sooner so i would have been better able to understand where he was coming from before we totally stopped talking. My reaction would have been different and things may not have went down the way they did. So i know exactly how your bf feels right now. Try and talk to him without the crying and getting angry and hopefully you guys will be able to get through this even if it means taking a break till you get your stuff together. I really hope this works out for you and remember you are not a bad person for the way you are feeling right now.
I wrote quite a response, then copy pasted something wrong, and everything was gone. So here's a shorter version. Yes, I do think I will be happier if I come out to my family. Oh, having to keep it all a secret deffinitely doesn't help in making me feel good about it all. I told my parents I was feeling quite bad. They said everyone my age has ups and downs, that it wasn't anything serious. My dad blamed it on me, saying I go out way too much, and don't spend enough time doing useful things (read: go to school, study, work, go to church, and be boring). Then I told them it was something different than that, that I felt really, really bad, and my dad told me to "man up." I've already thought a lot about ending things, not because I want to, but because I think it's the right thing to do, for his sake. What you say makes perfect sense. And no, I can't live my life like this forever. I really appreciate your opinion. I'm sorry to hear about your bad experience. The last thing I want to do is make my boyfriend unhappy, but I know that's exactly what I'm doing. I really do love him and care for him, though. I really do. I guess you're right that I have to seriously think about what it is that want, and make a decision. Thankyou for your post, I'll deffinitely consider your advice. I agree for the most part, though in my defence.. he knew exactly what he was getting in to. I told him before anything got serious that I might never come out to anyone, and didn't even know for sure if I liked guys. He agreed to get into the relationship anyway. I know that doesn't change the fact that I'm hurting him, but he wasn't totally clueless. I know it's still not fair, though.
You're right. He did know what he was getting into to some extent, but I doubt he thought it would be like this forever.... He probably thought at some point that you would eventually come out and things would be much better. He was willing to put up with this for the short term, but not for the long term.
Thankyou so much for this. It's great to hear a bit of a different opinion. I really do hope so badly that we can find a way to make this work.
