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how do two closeted guys hookup?!?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by onlythebulls13, Dec 24, 2012.

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  1. onlythebulls13

    onlythebulls13
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    I met this guy and I've been told a story that would completely paint him as gay or bi, and this guy and I were shooting looks at each other at the bar. We even talked a bit when we werent check in each other out. I have no idea how to tell him that I want him without risking that he might not be gay and just a nice quiet kid... Help me out here!

    ---------- Post added 24th Dec 2012 at 02:40 AM ----------

    It fucking sucks being in the closet but I'm not ready to let everyone know I'm gay....I really am attracted to this guy who is supposedly gay but I really don't wanna make a big mistake because I'm trusting rumors.
     
    #1 onlythebulls13, Dec 24, 2012
  2. shovelman

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    I'm with you there, I haven't found a guy yet but I've always wondered how could I go about it if it happened since I'm currently only out to my best friend.
     
    #2 shovelman, Dec 24, 2012
  3. onlythebulls13

    onlythebulls13
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    Yes, it sucks....I really wanted to ask that guy at the bar if he was gay but I was too nervous and the group of mutual friends me and this guy have don't make it easy to be gay.... I really wanna see this guy again so I don't regret missing out on a potential relationship with another DL guy

    ---------- Post added 24th Dec 2012 at 03:07 AM ----------

    If anyone has any advice, it'd be much appreciated
     
    #3 onlythebulls13, Dec 24, 2012
  4. phospholipase

    phospholipase Guest

    You can whip out your phone (making sure he can see the screen) and browse a GLBT-friendly website (maybe even open up a gay hookup app). BUT I see many complications to this seemingly-subtle gesture.
    - Somebody nearby, but not him, may see and think that you're gay
    - Your crush-person may see and think that you're gay (but if he's not gay-friendly or has a chattermouth he may spread some bad news about you)
    - Your crush-person may see and think that you're interested in hookups by the nature of the content on your phone (not always a desirable impression)

    But I don't see any fool-proof method to say "Hey, I'm gay and I hope you are too, but if you're not, I hope you can keep it a secret and not tell anybody. But by the off-chance that you are gay, let's get together sometime." So there's no 100% safe way for two (completely) closeted guys to hookup, and any method you choose to signal your attraction may be taken the wrong way, so there's always some risk involved.
     
    #4 phospholipase, Dec 24, 2012
  5. onlythebulls13

    onlythebulls13
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    Yeah I hear ya, I'm almost positive that he is gay by the way that he was looking at me and when we talked I got this vibe. I told my best friend that the next time that he is at the bar and I'm not there, to give me a call to come by... I wanna try and get his number or at least give him mine.
    Its such a weird situation, I've been thinking about this guy almost nonstop since Friday night and I just wanna be able to tell him I'm gay. I wish it were that easy, I could just tell him and then we start making out lol.... And i don't have Facebook so its not like I can try and talk to him on there
    He approached me at the bar and introduced himself to me when I was alone and start talking to him a little bit
    If he's straight and was just shooting me smiles from across bar all night just to be nice, I'll be pretty upset
    Wish there was something I could do!! Ahhhh!!!!
     
    #5 onlythebulls13, Dec 24, 2012
  6. BudderMC

    BudderMC
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    Here's some food for thought:

    Lasting relationships are built on trust and communication. You're not willing to trust him nor communicate with him because you aren't willing to be out, even if it's only to him.

    That said, I'm not saying closeted, down-low relationships don't work, but the odds aren't in your favour.

    There's a lot you can do, you just keep saying you don't want to do any of it. If you really want to see him again as much as you say you do, then you're going to have to give a little eventually.
     
    #6 BudderMC, Dec 24, 2012
  7. onlythebulls13

    onlythebulls13
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    Buddermc, ya I realize that, its why I'm having such a tough time right now....I've been out to my best friend for maybe 2 months. Although I've only come out to him, I feel like its putting pressure on myself to come out to more ppl cause it felt soo great to tell my buddy. I'm just not sure if I'm emotionally ready to deal with the possibility of my family finding out I'm gay cause I got drunk and horny and started to develop feelings for another man who may or may not be gay.
    And I'm almost positive he's gay but what I'm afraid of is that he won't be ready to be in a relationship with me or that he doesn't look at me that way......
    IM SO CONFUSED!!!!!!
     
    #7 onlythebulls13, Dec 24, 2012
  8. Draco

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    Dude trust me when we all tell you your not alone on this. I'm only out to my brother so everything else i do is on the DL. Like you I'm to scared to tell others about who I really am and about the people I'd really like to be able to go home to. It's funny because just recently I've mustard up enough courage to start dating everyone's favorite gay hook up phone app lol and I've come to realize there are alot of guys who are on the DL. It's difficult to even meet guys on the DL because like the others have said before the trust isn't there. The typical situation goes like this, well for me anyways.....
    Them:how's it going. Do you have a face pic?
    Me: yea I do but I'm on the DL so can I get yours first?
    Them:yea I'm on the DL to so I don't like sending my picture first. I like to make sure I don't know you first.
    Me: well I'm in the same boat so it now it looks like we have ourselves a Mexican standoff!

    ...............you can clearly see no trust lol
     
    #8 Draco, Dec 24, 2012
  9. mithrandir

    mithrandir
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    I'm in the exact situation with someone at school, it feels like we're flirting all the time and at parties we often end up hanging together but I haven't got the guts to say anything (not out to anyone) and I have no way of knowing if he is gay except a strong vibe :/
    The best I can hope for as we are already friends is that we both end up alone and drunk an it just kicks off! Fingers crossed for that scenario :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
    #9 mithrandir, Dec 24, 2012
  10. onlythebulls13

    onlythebulls13
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    I'll keep my finegers crossed for you lol.... To be honest, that's what I was kind of relying on, seeing him at the bar again and get drunk and ask him if he wants to sneak out back to smoke a Lil bud, I know he's 420 friendly cause my best friend has smoked with him before
    I dunno if that's going to seem like I'm coming on too strong with asking him to come out side with me to go smoke though, or am I looking too far into it???
     
    #10 onlythebulls13, Dec 24, 2012
  11. mithrandir

    mithrandir
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    Obviously I wasn't there but if he was shooting glances at you that would probably make him as interested as you are
    Your plan sounds like a fairly good idea tbh keep it friendly at first to avoid embarrassment I guess!
     
    #11 mithrandir, Dec 24, 2012
  12. integrand

    integrand
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    It's just one of those things where if you take the risk it could either go horribly wrong, or perfectly right. It's up to you to decide...
     
    #12 integrand, Dec 24, 2012
  13. onlythebulls13

    onlythebulls13
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    I think its worth it to take the chance, I think I'm just trying to hold on to the postion I have now because I'm out to my best friend and he accepts me for who I am and what he thinks really means the most to me over family and stuff so I feel like if I come out to everyone else it'll just be disappointment when I really didn't have to come out to them
    I'm comfortable for the first time in forever and I just wanna hold on to that for more than 2 months lol
     
    #13 onlythebulls13, Dec 24, 2012
  14. integrand

    integrand
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    Do whatever makes you the most comfortable :slight_smile:
     
    #14 integrand, Dec 24, 2012
  15. onlythebulls13

    onlythebulls13
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    Well I hoping there's a good chance hell be at the bar this Friday cause its the same deal as last time... $20 all u can drink, bottles and well drinks
    I'll keep u guys posted on what goes down, I'm going to set a minimum that I need to at least get his number
     
    #15 onlythebulls13, Dec 24, 2012
  16. integrand

    integrand
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    Haha I'm excited to know what happens :slight_smile:
     
    #16 integrand, Dec 24, 2012
  17. phospholipase

    phospholipase Guest

    How about just slipping him a piece of paper with your number, and seeing what he does with it?
     
    #17 phospholipase, Dec 24, 2012
  18. onlythebulls13

    onlythebulls13
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    Hahah well we have a few days till Friday so its going to suck waiting lol
    I think I'd rather talk to him and try to exchange numbers, I would want to know what he thinks right away, wouldn't be healthy playing the waiting game lol, I'd want to have a good idea what he's thinking when were giving each other our numbers
    Who knows what I'll do in true moment though, I'd have to play it with a game time decision type mindset. Its going to be an interesting Christmas break!!!!
     
    #18 onlythebulls13, Dec 24, 2012
  19. BudderMC

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    ...but you don't want to come out to him and/or tell him you're interested?

    I'm confused and you're contradicting yourself, unless there's something I'm not understanding.
     
    #19 BudderMC, Dec 24, 2012
  20. onlythebulls13

    onlythebulls13
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    I don't want everyone to know about us right away, I'd rather just keep it on the DL between him and I for a little while.
     
    #20 onlythebulls13, Dec 24, 2012
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