Hey guys, I'm pretty new here, and I've really found help through reading other threads, so thank-you. =) However, I do feel the need to post more specifically for advice. This is my situation as far as I can figure it out: Gender: female Orientation: bisexual, possibly demisexual... but only towards guys?? Is that even possible?? To give some more background info, I've only JUST admitted to myself (and my boyfriend and 1 friend) that I appear to be bisexual (I've never been with a woman, but... I can tell that I'd enjoy it, lol), but as I'm sure is fairly normal, it is NOT straightforward at ALL. =( When I see a "hot" guy (at least I think he's supposed to be by society's standards, lol), I sometimes think "oh he's good looking" or something like that, but rarely rarely EVER am actually attracted to him. Even with the 3 guys I've dated it was like this. So would that make me demisexual in that sense? Buuuut... when I see a hot woman... yeah I don't really need a relationship to automatically have thoughts about what it might be like to be with them. Which in the past (and sometimes still) gets pushed away quickly, as I grew up very religiously and only very recently mostly lost my faith. But here's where I feel that it gets even more tricky... I have a boyfriend, we've been dating for over a year, and we're very much in love. I am pretty attracted to him, but... I don't know. It doesn't seem to be in the "normal" way. I don't often get turned on when he like, takes his shirt off or something. But I am defs sexually attracted when we're intimate (we haven't "gone all the way" yet but are planning on doing it soon). Aside from thinking he was cute when I first met him and super nice, I didn't feel any sexual pull until we had been friends and then dating for some time (very normal for me). But I can't fricking stop checking out girls!!!! Mixed in with everything... I'm scared that I might be more lesbian than I ever realized. Like I said, I am attracted to my boyfriend when we get intimate, but... not as much as I feel I "should" be for the amount I love him. I'm excited to have sex with him and from the other things we have done am confident that he's a great partner in bed, but... penises are just REVOLTING. Like, EWW. I just don't get it. I've given him a few blow jobs and am warming up to the idea (or at least not throwing up anymore, lol), but it just does NOT turn me on at ALL. Not looking at it, touching it, or anything. Though, I think I will like it when we have sex, because... sorry if this is TMI but he has fingered me and it was amazing. But boobs... lol. I can't stop thinking about how awesome it would feel to be intimate with a woman. =( So, rough summary: I'm a young woman (19) who is in love with my boyfriend, and sexually attracted to him now that I am also in love with his personality, and I find women very attractive but admitting it to myself even is very new, and I don't really know what to make of it. I'm also terrified that I may only be sexually attracted to him because I love him now, and that I may actually be more of a lesbian... Anyone out there want to give this a shot? I'd totally appreciate any thoughts. Thanks. <3 (btw it's almost 4 in the morning and I'm exhausted so I probably wasn't clear and forgot many details, but I'll try to fix it up later and/or when people reply) =)
From what I understand about demi-sexuality (which isn't much, hopefully you'll get some feedback from someone who knows more), it's halfway to asexual. So, you sound like you have pretty active sexual desires (at least towards women and when with your boyfriend), which I think would mean that you're not demisexual. Have you ever heard of the Kinsey scale? Maybe it would help you to read about it. It's pretty easy to find if you just google it. It sounds like you are somewhere on the "bisexual, leaning towards women" side of things. Which means that you're generally more attracted to women, but you are occasionally attracted to men and you don't rule out the possibility of ending up with a man. Also, keep in mind that women are generally not as turned on by visual stimuli as men are. So, it's completely normal that you don't get turned on when looking at a guy, so much as you do when being touched. As a sidenote, I don't know too many straight women who are turned on by blowjobs....actually, I don't know any. Not to say they aren't out there, but from what I hear my friends talking about, it's more of a chore than pleasure. But if you're actually revolted by looking at a penis, you may be more lesbian than you are ready to admit to yourself right now. It's great that you've been honest with your boyfriend. That's really brave of you. Just relax, and remember to tell yourself that whatever you're feeling is completely normal and okay. Try to pay attention to your thoughts/urges/attractions and that will help you figure out your orientation. What terrifies you about being a lesbian? And just remember that at your age, you are supposed to be exploring yourself and finding out who you are. Do what you need to do to give yourself time and space to do that.
Thank-you SO much for your response, Adelaida =) (*hug*) A lot of what you said really makes sense. And okay, that makes sense about demisexuality - I'll research it more, but yeah, thanks. =) Yeah, I have heard of the Kinsey scale, but it's so hard to figure out where I am on it! Far less than a year ago I of course was sure I was a 0, and then a few months ago finally admitting that I was maybe more of a 1... maybe 2... and now I'm thinking that I may be more of a 4 or 4.5. Everything kind of just happens so fast once you admit such huge things to yourself. :bang: Okay, that makes sense. =) Yeah, most women I know are also not so into it, though a lot of them have got past it. I want to pleasure him well, but... yeah, we'll see if I ever get past that, lol. Thank-you so much. And what terrifies me about being attracted to women? Well... a lot. I think part of it is that I love my boyfriend so much and I'm scared that this is going to destroy our relationship. I have faith in us, especially since we're so close and because he's SO patient and understanding, but the fear is still there - for both of us. Also, if I ever did realize that I was more of a 5 or more on the Kinsey scale... I don't know if I would ever be able to be in a relationship with a woman (openly), because my family is so religious... my dad is pretty homophobic. He doesn't mean to be, but that's the time he grew up in. :icon_redf
Well, I can relate to your post. I consider myself to be bisexual, and more of a demisexual with girls. Being demisexual means that you feel little to no sexual attraction to someone unless you have a strong emotional connection with them. And that's how I feel towards girls, and - from the sound of it - how you feel towards guys. So we're basically complete opposites haha. I have actually felt the same as you about this - like, is this even possible? But I figured since sexuality is so fluid and whatnot, I shouldn't think too much of it (though it sometimes gets me questioning still). So either way, you're not alone in this. You never are, really.
Yay Colours, thank-you!! =) (*hug*) I actually got really excited that someone relates, haha =) Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel towards guys! Like seriously, growing up, I'd be watching a chick flick with my sister and female cousins, and they're all OOOOOH *so and so* IS SOOOO HOT!! And I'm all ...yeah... totally... *coughs* :lol: The only guys that I've been seriously attracted to (very few actually) are guys that I'm really close friends with and/or am dating. My family/friends (and I) always just chalked my lack of attraction/interest in boys up to me being very conservative (LOL how things how changed...) and serious-minded, but I always felt it must be more than that. You see, all of my cousins and my sister also grew up in pretty conservatively Christian homes, but I was always the most "reverent" or whatever =P Like, I always was ready for church on time and enjoyed Sunday School when I was little, and was always "that kid" who knew all the answers and verses. I think it's also because I'm very mature for my age (well, as I've always been told), so I just always take most things seriously. But now that I'm realizing all these things about myself... now I'm wondering how much of my lack of attraction towards guys was because of my upbringing/personality and how much was (is) because of my orientation. Cause I mean, since we were all raised as we were, they (and I) never even thought about how I might be more attracted to women... sigh. :icon_redf And like I said, I find women attractive that I don't know at all (but not men generally), soo... Everything is SO confusing!! And Colours, I hope to get to know you through EC! :icon_bigg
wow, I have never heard of demisexual before but it seems to totally encase what I've been trying to tell people forever in one word
Sounds like me too! :eek: I've only ever fallen in love once, and it was with a woman though. Sometimes I feel an attraction to a guy whose nice to me, but I can just look at a mans body and shrug. It always bothered me when my gal pals got boy crazy and talked about "hot guys..." I always felt super uncomfortable with it. When it comes to women though... yeah... I can be attracted to them romantically AND physically. I too was always that "super conservative Christian." :lol: If they only knew... oh wait most of them do!
Hello myheartincheck, so nice to "meet" you!! =D I'm starting to feel so much better now that I know there are actually people feeling very similarly... =) (*hug*)
I can relate to you, but like Colours, I do seem to be more demisexual towards women. I'm about a 2 on the Kinsey scale, so I lean more towards men and can find men I don't even know really hot, etc. But with women it's not as...carnal? I guess. But it's just enough attraction that I know I'm not 100% straight. It's great that your boyfriend is so understanding! My boyfriend was also supportive when I told him I was probably bisexual, but sometimes I fear that he might be more worried/upset about it than he lets on. I don't know. But it's great that he is there, even if it's a bit scary for you both. Love goes a long way! I wish you the best.
Hey starmarie!! =) Nice to "meet" you as well! =D Yeah, it's defs a blessing! I know that I can talk to him about anything, so that really helps things. I'm glad your boyfriend is supportive, too! But yeah, I know what you mean - it's always a slight nagging worry, eh? =/ But love does go a long way, you're right. =) Thank-you so much, you too! Merry Christmas!
yep, you're not alone. i'm pansexual (/bisexual) and demisexual. like you, i have a male partner but we have been together for several years and might as well be married (even if technically we aren't yet). he has been supportive of my recent discovery about my sexuality, but yeah... also like you, i worry about being closer to a lesbian than i initially realized. realizing that i'm pansexual has kind of opened up a can of worms for me in that regard... but anyway, yeah. whoohoo for demisexuality + bisexuality.
YAY, hello curlycats!! =) Yeah, it can be scary stuff to all of a sudden realize something so big =( But, as long as you've got good people in your life (or even if not), it's manageable. I hope... :bang: But yes, yay! :icon_bigg
You're definately not alone! I know my stories a bit different cuz I've never dated a guy I like (the only guy Ive had a real crush on was in love with my best friend), but alot of other people can give you support on that front! BTW It's nice to "meet" you too!
I completely get what you mean about everything happening so fast and not knowing where you are on "the scale." For me, it was denial, denial, denial until this year...then I finally admitted to myself that I was probably bisexual. I felt this immediate, overwhelming relief when I finally let myself think the thought and just sit with it, rather than trying to push it out of my mind or argue myself out of the idea right away. After that, though, it became really confusing, because I realized that I wasn't thinking about guys hardly at all anymore. Occasionally, I would see a guy who I thought was attractive, but like you said, everything happens so fast after you admit something huge to yourself. It didn't take long before I realized that, aside from your really attractive celebrity guys, I'm not at all attracted to men, as in just your average, everyday guys. Women, on the other hand, I notice pretty girls all the time. And what's more, I realized that I probably don't want to end up with a guy long-term, even if I found one who I was actually attracted to. So now, as far as labels, I kind of just call myself gay, because that seems to be closest to describing me. This all happened over a span of probably less than six months, so it's kind of a whirlwind and I'm still trying to get used to it. I think if you love your boyfriend and the potential is there for you to be attracted to him physically, then you two will probably be just fine, especially since you're capable of being so open and honest with him. Relationships are always scary because they involve trust and making yourself vulnerable with someone else. The potential is always there that you or he could get hurt. That would be true even if you were completely straight. But it's worth taking the risk of having a relationship because you could end up with something really great. So, maybe it would make your sexuality seem less scary if you viewed it that way, that relationships are going to be risky no matter what, but we take our chances on the people who are worth it. I have the same issues with my family...very conservative, fundamentalist Christians, homophobic. I don't plan to ever come out to them directly. There are plenty of things I don't tell them about my life because they aren't open-minded enough to be supportive....we're all happier if they just don't know. Right now, your biggest focus should be on yourself. You have to be comfortable with yourself before you could ever have the strength to deal with your family's reaction to your sexuality. And, it may be that you won't ever have a reason to share that with them, like if you ended up marrying a man. You just focus on YOU, and when you have things a little more figured out in your own mind, you'll be in a more clear-headed space to decide how much they need to know and when. Good luck
Wow! I had no clue what demisexual meant either! Now I think I am one! Demisexual-pansexual-leaning towards girls and ftms... Does that even have a name?! Haha
I had to chime in when I saw this thread, because I feel like I'm in a pretty similar place. It's good to know I'm not the only one - it's honestly depressing to feel alone with these types of problems. As for me, I very recently came out to my best friend. I told her I was gay - but I also said I hadn't ruled out the idea of me being attracted to females (so I'm bisexual?? I don't know...). During this exact same month, I also have told another girl at school that I had strong feelings for her (a true statement, which is really confusing to me). I had been talking to her for quite a long time and we were pretty close friends. However, these feelings weren't reciprocated, and I was basically "friend-zoned." I was really upset for a while after that, and sometimes I think I was in love. But lately I've been thinking a lot about my sexuality. I don't think my feelings for her were really that physical - more emotional rather than sexual. I was attracted to her in a sense that I wanted to be in a relationship with her, but I never had any sexual thoughts regarding her. Guys simply turn me on, not to mention I could totally see myself in a relationship with another man. To sum things up, I don't like to put a label on my sexuality because it's just so confusing to me. Sometimes I can see myself with a female, and often times I can see myself with a male. Not sure if I really have any advice since I'm just as perplexed as you are, but just know that you are definitely not alone in your confusion :/. It has made me really upset lately.
