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Feeling emotional because I'm single

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by runallday4, Dec 24, 2012.

  1. runallday4

    runallday4 Guest

    Whenever I see a really cute gay couple on tv or in real life, it always makes me feel sad about being single. I know there's basically no chance of any relationship for me at least until I get to college (only 8.5 more months). In the mean time, what advice would you give me for dealing with this feeling?

    Thanks
     
  2. onlythebulls13

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    Think about how great its going to be in just a few months.... You can totally meet some other guys that you can have a nice long relationship with
     
  3. Amicus

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    I like to think of it this way. Imagine that it's 100% certain that you will never have a relationship: you'll remain single for the rest of your life. What happens then? What would you do with your life? I ask you these questions not because I think it would be impossible for you to find love, but because they re-focus things on the person who really matters: you! No matter what happens, boyfriend or not, there's already someone you're going to be spending the rest of your life with, and one of the best investments you can make is learning how to fall in love with and be happy spending time with that guy you're never going to be able to escape from. Do what you would do if you were absolutely certain that you'd never find a relationship. Do not postpone your own happiness because you don't have a romantic partner. Don't think of this time between now and college as "in-between" time that would be better off wished away: you get only one life, so get as much out of the present moment as you can!

    Remember too that all states of existence carry both positivity and negativity with them. Right now you've got single person suffering. You feel sad and lonely. Those are totally legitimate feelings, especially when you live in a society that's indoctrinated you to believe that ultimate happiness and fulfillment lies in a romantic relationship.

    So yes, there's suffering. But don't forget to embrace the positives of being single, such as:

    1. More control over your time ("Oh wow boyfriend, you have another bassoon recital that you want me to go to?").
    2. Fewer financial obligations (It adds up between dates, travel expenses, gifts, etc.).
    3. You can focus on your own goals and dreams.
    4. You can make decisions without needing to compromise (from choices as small as what shirt to wear today to whether or not you'll accept a job across the country).
    5. You can check out and be attracted to as many guys as you like without feeling guilty :wink:
    etc.

    If you get a boyfriend, you'll only be trading single person suffering for relationship suffering. Even just a short look at some other posts on this forum will show you that relationships, wonderful as they can be and as worthwhile as they can be (I don't write any of this to discourage you from seeking one), can bring a lot of anxiety, uncertainty, feelings of low self-worth, and pain.

    It's ok to be sad about being single, but don't forget to take a holistic look at it and embrace the positives as well. You don't need a boyfriend to make you a worthwhile human being (*hug*)
     
  4. Argentwing

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    Short and sweet: I've been in a hetero relationship now for about 3 years. While it has its good points, I mostly want out. I miss being my own person. The grass isn't always greener. :slight_smile:
     
  5. 4AllEternity

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    I agree with most of what you said, but I have to disagree with the common advice of "enjoy being single". If you're with the right person, none of those things should really be an issue. You shouldn't be regularly thinking "Jeeze, Jim has this recital I have to go to". If you loved the person, it wouldn't be a drag, you'd enjoy being there, watching them perform. Financial obligations and compromising are a drag, but they're massively outweighed by the value of a real, loving relationship. As for being attracted to other guys, I think that in a healthy relationship, both partners will acknowledge that it's natural to feel a fleeting attraction to other people. The defining feature of a good relationship is that you trust the other person won't actually act on them. So if you have a good relationship with your partner, you won't have to somehow repress all feelings of attraction for other people. You just control your behavior more.

    Ultimately, what I'm getting at is that I don't think there's any good reason to not want a positive, balanced relationship. Not wanting a relationship with any old joe is normal, since the negatives might not be outweighed by the positives. But unless you have issues with relationships and attachment, there's no reason to not want "the soulmate". There's no upside to not being with them.

    A more positive and realistic way to look at being single is: I acknowledge that I want to be with someone, I want to find my soulmate. I'll wait as long as I have to, since I know that when I find them, it'll have been worth the wait. In the meantime, I plan to further myself, pursue my interests and have fun with friends. I don't have to put my life on hold because I'm lonely.
     
  6. Argentwing

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    ^^He wasn't saying that good relationships actually suck, only that being single isn't so bad either.
     
  7. 4AllEternity

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    Yeah, being single is definitely alright. But being in a relationship is better. What I tend to believe is that I'd rather be single than just jump into a relationship, and since you can't force a good relationship, there's no point in just sitting around feeling bad, I do my best to fill my time with things that I enjoy, as well as pursuing hobbies. Eventually, it just feels natural, and then suddenly, blam! I've found someone!
     
  8. toaster

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    Here's an advice from me, don't rush. Don't involve in a relationship just because you wanted to be in a relationship. You might find difficulties meeting the right person even in college, but keep your head on, just keep meeting new people, experience new things and the right guy will come along.

    I always told myself this :
    Somewhere, someone, is looking for me. I just need to keep moving and I'll find him, one day.

    Hope you're well.
     
  9. integrand

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    I've been feeling this way a lot too, lately. What personally helps me is just getting really drunk and passing out, although I don't really recommend that for everyone, hehe. :slight_smile: But in all seriousness, it helps to just find things to distract yourself. I'm in college too, and once you get there and start dealing with the work load you will hardly be thinking of a relationship. Trust me. It won't be so bad once you get there (whether or not you find a relationship). Just stay strong, keep your head up, and know that you can hold your own without needing someone else. :slight_smile:
     
  10. FlameFeather

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    What the hell?!? Do we have some kind of telepathy or something?! Dude i feel the exactly same way! When i read this i told myself ''Is this guy me?!''
    I recently watched the first episode of Queer as Folk, and it is awesome XD
    Do you know anyone gay? Or at least suspect? There should be anyone gay in your college, i'm trying to befriend one. (But... just friends XD)
    P.S: True Love Comes When We Least Expect