My relationship with my mother (my closest family, and one of the few people who has known me more than five or six years) has been dissolving. I don't keep in touch well because calling home is depressing to me. My mom and stepdad live in the middle of nowhere with limited interaction with other people. My stepdad has PTSD and I know living with him is sometimes very hard on my mom. She doesn't have many friends in the area to support her and being out there is isolating. They also have a lot of animals and in the last four years, seven of our eight dogs have passed away from old age, usually becoming very sick for months before they pass. My mom is the one who takes care of them and is often the one to make the choice to have them put down when their suffering is too great. Members of my extended family who I don't know well (but who were close to my mom) have been passing away as well. I know my mom has depression but she's a very tough person with lots of experience taking care of herself. She left home young, made her own business, and raised two children alone. I don't contact her often for one because hearing about the sickness and death is hard, but worse than all of that is the guilt I feel that she is dealing with this alone and I'm not helping. I'm ashamed that we both have depression, but she is dealing with hers and I can barely keep myself afloat. As it happens every two or three weeks, I've completely run out of food in my apartment. But catching a bus to the store, shopping, and bringing it back on my back, feels like more hassle than just not eating. My depression becomes severe when I don't eat because my blood sugar drops quickly, my limbs become heavy or numb, I tremble and lose the ability to make decisions or focus on tasks or goals. I absolutely must eat certain foods regularly to continue to function. But I've eaten everything and I'm too tired to go to the store. The other reason I don't contact her much anymore is because I didn't want to be honest with my mom about how bad my depression's gotten. I finally did tell her this summer and she was disturbed. But her approach has changed from offering advice (lots of "you have to take care of yourself!" "Take this, do that" and "Just do what you have to do") to being hands off and waiting for me to contact her. This Thanksgiving she didn't offer me a ride home (there's no public transportation from my college town to the family home 100 miles away) or even ask if I was coming home for Thanksgiving. This is the first year she didn't offer to bring me home for Christmas, which is usually the biggest tradition our small family has. Instead she told me to rent a car and come home, despite knowing I haven't driven in over six years and I'm afraid of driving. I know she's trying to get me to take responsibility and be an adult. I asked if she'd mail gloves and boots from home in the post because I don't have any and my sneakers are mesh, so walking in the snow gets cold and slippery on the ice, and I asked for one of my old comic books, too. I don't often ask for anything, and in the past she would send them, but this time she told me to buy new ones instead. I'm unemployed and don't have income so I worry about money a lot, but I don't think I can hold down a job if I have to attend on their schedule or meet deadlines. I had to drop out of school this semester because of the depression. I told her this but her solution is for me to get a job. I know she's right and I should be an adult by now, I can't rely on my mommy my whole life. But I feel abandoned. And I'm ashamed to want to be cared for like a child and to be so bad at taking care of myself. I feel guilty for asking for anything and not giving anything in return. Spending time with others is draining and the last time I went home in the summer, all I did was sleep day and night. It really hurt my mom, especially since it was a very rare occasion where my sister came home from Cali, and I know she wanted it to be like old times. I know she's right, I need to grow up. But I haven't gotten gloves or boots for over a month now. Instead I just don't go outside. More than feeling sorry for myself, I want to stop this rift from growing between us. Yesterday I couldn't even bear to look at my phone or text her Merry Christmas. I never nap but I slept the day away just to be unconscious and pretend nothing was happening. But I know she's right in what she's doing and I can't cling to her skirts. At this rate there's no way I'll ever be able to discuss my gender dysphoria with her.
Lots of stuff going on here. Re: depression. If your depression is anything like mine, human interaction can help. No, it doesn't "make it go away", but it gives my brain something else to focus on other than the same two or three things it's been idling on for the last weeks/months, so it provides a bit of a welcome respite. Even when talking to other depressed people, I feel better because I focus on what THEY're dealing with rather than what I'm dealing with. If this is true of you even a little bit, maybe that can be the impetus you need to contact your mother more often. As for the rest of it, yes, it sounds like you've got the situation doped out pretty well. You need to make yourself more self-sufficient, and it sounds like your mother is trying to nudge you in that direction. There's nothing wrong with asking for help (from your mother or any other source) with getting you to that place, either. The gloves and boots would obviously help with that, so I don't see any harm in asking her again if she'd send those. Emphasize that you need them to go out in the crappy Montana winter weather. The comic books would presumably be less important (if welcome), so I wouldn't bother asking for those again. Other than that, you'll have to start taking responsibility. I know that's tough during depression, but you're running into situations where you're facing consequences of not taking action - to wit, when you don't go get food when you're (more) able to, you may be stuck with no food when you're less able to. So start planning ahead. Make sure to stock up heavily on something really cheap that you don't necessarily love eating (ramen and crackers probably fall into this realm), so you'll at least have some sort "emergency supply" to hit if supplies run really low. Is there somebody you can see for your depression? Or are you already seeing somebody? Lex
I'm on a waiting list to get into counseling. I spent all of last semester trying to get help, jumping through hoops, waiting on appointments, etc. I don't know when they will call me back and I'll have to take at least one course in school next month to keep my apartment. They started me on prozac but after three weeks I still don't notice any difference, except perhaps that I feel less motivation to do anything. Talking to my mom about what I'm going through makes me feel a lot worse. The last few times I have called to try and talk it has resulted in dead silence for minutes. So I spend time on this site reading other's issues and I know I don't have it so bad. Most of the time I feel very grateful and lucky to live where and how I do, and to have people to talk to. I'm just eternally exhausted, even when I work out, sleep decent, wake up early, etc. And keeping in food is a momentous task. I actually can't eat most wheat without becoming lethargic and carbs only will do the same to me. I have to eat protein and I try to eat vegetables but fresh food goes bad within a week or so and riding the busses means i have to plan ahead if I buy any frozen goods so they don't thaw before I get home. I'm also working on a tight budget and anything over lowest price stresses me out and no longer looks appealing (even if I had an appetite to think anything looked good to eat). Going outside and especially shopping always causes me a lot of stress. It usually takes me days to psych myself up to leave the apartment. Even if I plan to go, I get stressed out and don't. And I don't have a car, so I can only bring home what I can carry. I really appreciate you reading and posting Lex. I'm grateful to have advice from a third party. Thanks for your time.
It doesn't matter what other people are going through. It's possibly for somebody to be as stressed (or more so) about their pimples as somebody else dealing with a life-ending illness. What matters is just doing your best to deal with the stuff you've got to deal with. And it sounds like you're doing your best to keep dealing with your stuff. So good on you. Lex
It's OK to be tired, and to not be happy that your relationship isn't all it could be right now. But you've got enough on your plate right now to add a side-helping of guilt. Keep working on keeping yourself in line for the time being. ?ex
Your mother sounds aware that you've got your own stuff to deal with, so she almost certainly doesn't view you as a lousy kid. Lex
She has done so much for me and sacrificed so much to be a caring mother and I can't even acknowledge her text message on what used to be the day we were most like a real family. It's like we've become strangers and I know it's my fault, but I don't know how to fix it. Every time I try to talk to her I just feel bitter and lost and more depressed than before I called. Anything I say just seems like it will be more confusing for her and isn't the right thing to say in the first place.
