Hi i am completely new to all of this, being gay and everything. And i need advice and help quickly!! Ok so basically I moved to university last year and became really good friends with a girl on my course who I now live with. She is 100% straight and I thought I was too. Well to be honest i have always doubted myself because I would always have 'strong feelings' for friends in the past but I always denied it to myself and came up with excuses. Since about December last year I started getting really jealous about my new uni friend and would cry over her for silly reasons. I then started having sexual thoughts about her but just tried to ignore it all. Then in March I diagnosed myself after with depression and went to the doctors who gave me anti depressants which actually worked for a good few months. Now im back at university again after summer and all these feelings have came flooding back but a lot worse. I have realised I am in love with her, its not even about the sexual things anymore. I just want to be around her constantly. I miss her when she leaves for a day. I get jealous when she brings guys home or if she spends a lot of time with other friends. She is like my best friend as well as my room mate and I have had massive conversations with her about me questioning my sexuality. She has been completely fine with me while I have been through this confusing time, not judgeId me at all or treated me any different. However I have never told her that I am actually in love with her. Last week we all went out and I got very very drunk and confessed to her that extremely jealous when she spends a lot of time with other friends and basically confessed to her without actually saying I was in love with her. She didn't treat me any different she just said she thinks I should think properly about my feelings and maybe talk to experienced people about it for advice. I know if I tell her all she wouldn't judge me I just so afraid it will ruin our friendship. She is such a good friend and I cherish her friendship more than anything I wouldn't want to ruin that. I know there is no way she is gay or bi so I know I would never have a chance. I just don't know whether telling her all will help me get over it and get closure or is it best to just keep it bottled up?? Also what are good ways to get over being in love with your best friend when you live with them?? Helppppppp??!! Also I still don't know if I am fully gay/straight/bi or what. I have never really been out and fancied girls, the only girls who I have fancied have been friends that I have gotten to know. Has anyone been in similar situations and can help me please? Ive had many sleepness nights over this. And thinking this is probably the root of my depression...
Ouch, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, unrequited love is probably one of the worst pains you can feel. Most people have been there, myself included and it's not nice. It's extremely common to fall for a best friend so you are not alone. As to whether to tell her, there is no right or wrong choice, you can only go with what you feel is best at the time. I guess you have to weigh up the pros and cons in terms of whether it will help you move forward, how it will effect your friendship, and particularly your living together. The last thing you need is either of you feeling awkward when you have to reside together. However, I know from personal experience that it can be hard to bottle this up and your friend does sound quite understanding. In terms of getting over it there is no easy way. It may help to try and distance yourself, although with living together that's pretty hard for you. If it were me and there was absolutely no chance the feelings could be reciprocated then I would look to live elsewhere when possible. As hard as that would be given the attachment you feel towards her, it would be for the best in the long run. In the case that you can't do that then my advice would be to try not to indulge the fantasies you may have of her and look at what you value from your friendship and focus on that. You need to try and put her back into the friend zone, if possible. Falling for people is part of life, it helps us determine what traits we want and will look for in a partner, so perhaps take comfort in knowing that you can take something positive from this experience, as bitter as it may feel. That said, I don't think it's worth the pain but it's just how it is. Over time your feelings should fade (if you don't feed them) and you will meet someone else who will blow you away. eta: typos.
Thank you for your reply and your advice. I think telling her may help me get over it more because hopefully I won't be constantly thinking about it. I'm just terrified shes going to look at me differently or our friendship will be ruined. I think also I am going to spend some more 'me time' in the new year. Maybe start going to the gym again, getting fit and feeling better about myself. And trying to find someone else to take my mind off her might help. It's just so hard when the person you are in love with is your best friend and all I can ever see is the good in her, doesn't help that she is such a good person with such a selfless heart.
I fell in love with a girl in my hallway freshman year of college. We quickly became best friends. I thought I never had a chance with her. I mean she had a boyfriend and seemed completely straight. Hell, I thought I was straight until I realized that I was falling in love with her. I had pretty much accepted that we would probably never be together. I figured it was better to be her best friend than not be friends at all. We ended up being roommates the next year. She had broken up with her boyfriend over the summer and was single. Our friendship quickly developed into more after I confessed my feelings for her. We never told anyone that we were together because neither or us was comfortable enough with our sexualities yet. Many of our friends guessed, but we denied it. My mom started to catch on and asked questions, but I told her she was being ridiculous. Our relationship lasted about 8 months and ended badly. My roommate started talking to her ex boyfriend again and apparently talked about our relationship with him. He pretty much convinced her that I had tricked her into thinking she liked girls (the jokes on him though because she had a relationship with his sister when they were in high school). Anyways, she got back together with her ex boyfriend and they now live together. I was heartbroken. I've finally gotten to the point where I'm over her, but it still hurts. I still miss her everyday. I lost not only my girlfriend, but also my best friend. My suggestion is to tell her about your feelings for her. If she doesn't like you back then move on. Do exactly what you said you were planning on doing (going to the gym, more "me" time, etc.) Maybe join a club or something at your school. Just try to stay busy. Also, you said you are on antidepressants. Are you seeing a therapist too? I have been seeing a therapist for a few months and she has been very helpful. Feel free to message me or write on my wall if you want to talk more
Thank you for your reply it sounds like you were pretty much in the same situation I am. I don't want to lose her as a friend so maybe when I tell her about my feelings I will make that clear to her that our friendship means a lot more than an other relationship that may develop. I have been seeing a therapist but not as often as I hoped. I am going to try make it more frequent in the new year Thank you so much for your advice I already feel a bit better about the situation. The hard thing is going to be telling her but I'll cross that bridge when it happens
You're welcome Making it clear that your friendship is more important than any relationship you might have is a great idea. Let me know how it goes
Ok so it's nearly time for me to move back to uni after christmas break in about a week. This means i will once again be living with the girl i think i am in love with meaning i need to address the situation with her! I know its only fair for her if i explain myself but i don't want to lose my best friend. Any advice on what i can say to her confessing that i love her without her completely hating me and wanting nothing to do with me??? Also i've been so confused lately with whether i am gay and bi. I have only ever been with guys before however never been in love with any. I can see a guy and think he is hot mostly with celebrities, however when it comes to having a relationship the thought makes me sick, and the thought of sex with them doesn't turn me on at all! I have never had any sexual experiences with a girl before but i know i have been in love with one and fantasied over it. Does this make me gay or bi? so confused!!
