i have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now, and am the happiest i've ever been. he's my best friend, and my lover, and we are very in like with one another. now, i am female-born and openly pansexual. i have dated people (briefly) across the gender spectrum with no problem. and even now, i am in a great, long-term relationship with a straight cis man, accepting of my sexuality. i think my problem however is i can never find myself feeling exactly like a girl. i make jokes with my friends about how i'm more a man than cis men and imply that i'm not a girl. i even joke around like this with my boyfriend. but it is frustrating. because i know my friends would be accepting and they would support me, as well as my boyfriend. but like i can't change my sexuality or gender identity, i can't change my boyfriend's. i feel like this fact gets over looked a lot, but it's very true. if i were to truly seriously say, "i am not a girl," then i wouldnt necessarily lose friends, but, rather i would lose my relationship with my best friend. it wouldn't be the same and i know he may even be embarrassed. a lot of the time i am showering or doing the dirty with my boyfriend and i can't help but feel like my parts down south are wrong, but my boobs are appropriate. while sometimes i enjoy wearing a nice blouse or leggings, almost always i prefer jeans and a tshirt or sweater. i shaved my head and never wear makeup. when i see myself in the mirror i dont see a girl like everyone else sees. i dont see a boy either though. i feel like i am something in between, but i cant make people understand this. i was out over tumblr about two years ago about this, and i had, for a while, successfully passed as a guy to many. but i became self-conscious about my masculinity when i began dating my straight cis boyfriend. i envy the times people would call me "sir" but i also love the curves of my hips and my boobs. but sometimes i hate them. i am just confused. i dream about being more masculine and being called a boy, but i am desperate to keep my relationship with my best friend. i know that it is likely we will break up because we are young, him being only 3 years older than me. but i am still happier than i ever have been. i am away from cutting, suicide, and drugs. while sometimes my loneliness and depression consume me, he is still there to hold me up, and i dont want to lose that. but i cant change the way i've been feeling i am just going to have to be closeted forever
(*hug*) I hope someone who has more experience with this kind of issue gives you a reply, because I do not know how helpful I can be with it. All I can say is that this sounds like a very difficult situation for you, and I get that you are in a lot of pain over it. Most of the transgendered I know, have described it as knowing that there parts are the wrong ones, and that something has been done to them, that they don`t reckognize the body they are in as their own. It sounds to me like you are partly identifying with that, but also partly not. Which makes me think that you might have your gender identity pretty much in between there. Now, again, whilst I do not have any experience with this, I do know that some prefers to identify themselves as neither him or her, but hir, or hem. Or something like that, I might be wrong about the pronoun, please don`t get angry at me anyone, english is my second language, they use different words in Norwegian, so I have no idea if I am right on this one. Point is, a lot of people do not identify strictly as either gender, but seems to look like and act like someone in between there. I do not know how they feel about their own body, as I have never talked with one about something like this. Maybe someone else here knows more about it? I think in any case that you should not feel ashamed about feeling weirded out by your own body, or your struggle with relating to it. Other people out there are in your position. Have you considered discussing this with a therapist, specialicing in transgender issues, in gender identity, osv, who could possibly help you figure out if you are really a FtM, or if you are more of a identify as both genders person in some way? I would recommend that. I also would recommend that you think a little about what you feel is more natural to you. When do you feel the most like "you", when do you feel alive, vibrant, happy, relaxed. What are you wearing then, how do you feel about your body then, and what body parts? (*hug*)
I also am similiar to you. Note my << gender. I feel I am both male and female. And like to dress, behave according to both genders. I like being both male and female. And like to embody both with a sense of adrogyny. My love partner broke up with me because I came out to them that I was pansexual. Which means to me being gender nuetral. For me it'snot that they are male or female, I also often find I crave long distant relationships because often time physical real life relationships tend to shutdown. I like intellect before I like the phsyical body. I don't know if any of you know what I am talking about, but you know how Vulcans from Star Trek or Asari from Mass Effct mind meld with their partners, or even the Navi. I much prefer that over the physical body. Mind melding. Telepathy. And am completely attracted to the mind. It's very difficult and awkward sense of self, because there are not many people who will understand this aspect. Or will understand that you feel this certain way. All though I am androgynous and don't like being called by a specific gender, I much prefer the default terminology "he" myself. Because my mind feels mostly masculine for the most part despite some woman tendencies. But I would never want to be full male or female.
