Hello everyone! It is my first post here so I hope you will all be nice to me. For the beginning I have to say that I didn't see this coming - that I am right now here to tell you about my situation, which I thought to be stable and enjoyable. For the start I will tell you about myself, about my previous sexual history so that you could help me to get my peace of mind again. Right now I feel that I am not in control of my life at all, and that makes me feel really really emotionally insecure and to question my whole existence as a loving partner for a person I really love. I feel like I am a big lyer...maybe...because I am not sure what is true anymore :help: Please be kind, it is going to be a long post. There is so much inside me I want to talk over. :icon_sad: Okay, so first some personal details. I am a young adult male, 26 years old. I have been in a emotionally and physically satisfying relationship with my girlfriend for a five years now. There has not been a single time during those five years that I would have thought there is something wrong in our relationship. For 4½ years we have shared our own flat and that time has been the most loving, caring and sexually fulfilling time of my life. I met my soul partner, my best friend and person that gives me sexually everything I need. At many occacions I've felt almost like metaphysical connection to her. (*hug*) But there are some snakes in the paradise. And I would need you people to help me with my head, because right now I feel almost like paranoid. The problem is that I have a problem with my sexuality, but I didn't have this problem until few days ago...because I thought I was finally totally settled with myself... Okay let's go more deep into my previous history... I have identified myself bisexual for the last 6 or 7 years. That is because I have had same sex "cravings" more or less since my childhood. My first experience was with my cousin at the age of 8 or something (it was just normal children's stuff, touching ourselves together..). And that was the most traumatic event of my life. I was traumatic because I have always been kind a more "clever guy", so that meant that I was able to absorb all the anti-gay atmosphere of my home town and my parents inside me even at such a young age. And to make things (and my own self hatred) ever more worse, I also was reading the Bible at the times, so that meant I didn't feel only dirty in front of my parents, but also in front of the allmighty as well. That was absolutely soul shattering for me back then and I fell into a deep depression. My parents didn't know what was wrong with me, so they were trying really aggressively to find out. And the more they threatened me with psychiatrists the more I kept to myself, feeling absolutely horrible and so alone. I felt there was everything wrong in me, so I started to be really religious - "so to pray the gay away" :lol: :rolle: But eventually life continued, but ever since that one time with my cousin, I felt that I was potentially gay person. At those times no one had heard about so called "bisexuality". In my small hometown things were black and white, "faggots and lesbians"..that's it.. I feel that that dout about myself (of being gay) really destroyed my childhood and adolescense in many ways. I was never relaxed, okay with myself. The funny thing is that most of the time as a young boy, teenager and young adult I was more attracted emotionally and physically to girls. I had many painful crushes on girls at high school. During the period of time between 10 and 16 I was only having fantasies about women...and being super horny all the time, thinking only about their bodies and faces..masturbating constantly. But still deep inside me there was this unpresented feeling of awkwardness. Still during those years (and especially after being 17 years old) I had some small interest towards men also. But the developing heterosexuality suppressed it mostly. So when I was 17 I started to develop again a sexual desires towards men. Mostly they came through exprementing with gay porn. And that caused me again SOME SERIOUS ISSUES, because I found myself arousing by that. I was not emotionally strong enough to think myself independent of society's norms. So I relapsed again to religion and solitary life, hating myself and being 100% sure that I would be gay..and that would the end of the world. Still even during those times I met with a another religious girl. She wasn't that nice, but there was a human size hole in my soul to be fullfilled. So we started dating for maybe two months. We almost had a intercourse but we didn't do it because it was like againtst god's will :eusa_doh: But I was still in this OCD-kind-of state of mind. Nothing could reassure me about my "heterosexuality" because I thought that having even one gay thought would absolutely determine that person is eventually totally gay. Right now I find this really funny (and sad), because I didn't know about bisexuality that much back then. Still I was so horny about her all the time, like having erections all the time when we were in the same room :lol: (that's painful!) Finally my life became normal, when at age of 21 I was able to move to a large city to start my studies in the University. My soul was full of bliss when I had the opportunity to breath freely, to start anew. I learned so much in the university, totally changing my world view in a good way. I became finally acceptive towards my sexuality and started to be okay with all kind of fantasies I possibly had. I met one girl and we dated and had a relationship for about one year. I didn't work out that much, becase I was not that attracted to her. So I quit the relationship, because I was so sure to cheat her with other women in the university. And I didn't want to be an asshole. After that I spent single life for some time and had casual sex with few women. Until I met HER, my present angel. Everything went really fast (but in a really good way!) and after 4 or 5 months we decided to move together. Since the beginning our relationship was really open. We were ready to tell everything to each other. So I of course told her about my sexual insecurities and she was totally accepting with it. She even told she had similar experiences. After that our sex life was in every aspect really incredible, because we were so open. Everything worked so well and was so rich. We could share same-sex fantasies for example. We could watch together porn, talk about breasts and penises we found arousing. We even went so far that we wanted to try bisexual group sex together. That was like our super fantasy. Normal swingin'-stuff was not that much our thing. After some time we found an another couple that was just like us. It was easy for all of us to get along and slip to a same bed with sex in mind. It was the first time I had homosexual experience. I was really happy to explore and try another man, and I was feeling 100% secure about it, because even if I would like it really much, it would not be a problem for my girl I felt awkward after it happened. In a way it was not that arousing I was expecting, but of course it was. I did not know how to feel about it. Sometimes I found myself fantasizing about the moment, but mostly I didn't. We were happy to try it and it was good experience. And amazingly enough it solified our relationship even more. This was about two years ago. Life continued to be awesome, I was happy and she was too. We started to make arrangements for another experience. She felt that it would be super horny to have a threesome with big cocked man. That we both could enjoy this fantasy of ours. And I would be able to feel something big inside me. But it never happened. I though I was maybe slowing it down, I felt that in the end I didn't need that...that it was more horny to be shared as a fantasy. That's why things like dried out with it. But it was cool We had super hot sex together on fantazing about it.. Right now we are living in different countries. We went abroad for an exchange year with our universities. It was planned to be 10 months and now about 4 months have passed. We needed it really much for our future careers so we didn't have an option. Getting seperated after all years was horrible and I felt that something wast torn apart inside me. She felt the same. Before we left we agreed not to be naive. That there might be some casual sex with somebody else, or kissing etc. Feeling jealous is not something we are like, so it works with us. Here I've had to times quasi-sex D) with girls including kissing, touching but no penetration..Everything went fine..until!!! I was drawn to have sex with another man here. And I feel shit about it. I met another man here who is gay. Strange thing is that I never felt anything towards him. He is attractive guy, that's what people say, but sincerely I felt_nothing_towards him. We were going out this one night and I was mega plastered after drinking 5dl of whisky and a bottle of sparkling wine. We were sitting on my house and talking stuff. Everybody else had already left back then. I wanted to ask him about did he find it hard to be openly gay and stuff. I don't really remember what exatcly we were talking about, but I confessed having sex with another man one time, and saying that I felt more bisexual than heterosexual. After that I dont' remember how we ended up having sex, but I strongly presume he was more the instigator. Sex went the same way as before, but I found the intimacy of kissing and being alone with him repulsive (not because I would feel bad about it), but it didn't feel the same as being with a woman. Man's tongue in my mouth - no thank you! There was no emotional arousal in me, only physical. He gave oral sex to me, but when he asked me to fuck him I lost my erection. It is just not for me. So he suggested to fuck me instead, and I let him do so. And again, after one minute or so, I was not feeling anything. I kind of like froze up, I just hoped it was soon over...I didn't reach orgasm, but he did. After the sex he was trying to cuddle me, but I had no response with that. I didn't want to stay with him on the bed so I left. On the next morning I felt horrible. Somehow like being used. Having sex with somebody you are not attracted to at all, it always feels bad. But this launched again an identity crisis in me! Who am I? Why did I do so? I called to my girlfriend the next day and told her about this and she was really surprised but said she is not against it, that she didn't feel any different about me after this. She was only surprised how this just happened (just like I am!). It would just be more okay to have homosexual encounters if you would really want to do it! I feel super shit about this :eusa_doh: I know this is really long post, but please be patient.. So my whole story in a nuttshel: - What's going on with me? - Why can I have many fantasies about big cocks but why can't I not enjoy sex with a man, who has a normal penis? (well, right now I don't know if the big penis would make any substantial difference in emonational way) - Does something like "penis fetish" exist --> I find watcing women sucking big penises more arousing than men doing so... - Why do I have these fantasies even though I can't not imagine myself being emotionally close or attracted to another man? Idea is not disgusting, it just doesn't ring any bells with me..Maybe three or four times in my life I've felt some guys attractive but I never missed their presence and didn't have that kind of a crush..And the more older I got the more those feelings faded away (after feeling more good about myself). - Should I be afraid to become some how more gay? I mean, I feel the idea of being some kind of a closeted gay with a woman horrifying (because it's wrong towards the woman!) - Why am I still having this identity crisis even though I though I was somehow "ready" right now? - I love my girlfriend more than any other person in the world, I could not have been lying to myself 5 years about that, right? And most important: Why is it so fucking hard to bisexual? Many ignorant gay or heterosexuals are thinking that I don't exist - that I'm somekind of a dirty gay in denial of himself. Give me your replies and please tell me what kind of thoughts you had? I do you feel I am? I just really need some opinions not to demolish my self-image again..:help: Cheers!
Max your story tugs so deeply at me the pain you felt caused by your parents, your town. I have very similar case, lets just say your s and mine only differ in details. If you love your girlfriend that much it is clear that you are not gay, bi, could be. I don't like labeling people it isn't right, but I am a bisexual guy. When you have intercourse with your gf do you ever pretend she is a guy?
Hi Erik! And thank you very much for your reply! You asked a very profound question and I hope I can answer the best way I can! You wanted to know if I do imagine or fantasize during our intercourse that she is a man? I have two kinds of answers and I need to give them in a very detailed manner, so to avoid any misconceptions to arise. For the beginning I need to say that I have a very lively imagination in every aspect of human life, not only with things involving sexuality. That also means that I am a person full of empathy. I can really much relate to other person’s feelings and I think that is a very useful tool for a good and healthy sex life. First I will give really honest answer, which I believe to be really true and not something to do with denial. I have never ever fantasized about her being a man while I have been in intercourse with her. The main reason for this is that I have never found male body sexually attractive or “lustful”. I have never had kicks with male buttocks, abdomen, biceps…or whatever you want to name them (to be sexual body parts). When I see naked men, those aspects of their body seem just totally irrelevant for me. So it would be impossible for me to imagine those things while having intercourse with her. It’s her soft skin, female bottom, smell, breast, hair and genitals that get me aroused. So the whole concept of imagining her to be a man is just nonsense for me. But there is one body part I think I have always found arousing – and it is the male penis – but not all penises are sexual for me. It has been and remains to be, that it is the big penis that does the trick. Why? I have no bloody idea! So basically when I am watching porn (I usually can switch between hetero/bi/gay porn..depending on the day..or sometimes I watch them all at the same occasion) I never watch gay porn to watch the men as object. The thing I am interested about is only the penis. And this means that I can’t get kicks out of gay porn, in which there are only males who are handsome and masculine. I just don’t! To say this in more detail: if there is not considerably large penis involved it is not hot. So the typical gay porn I find arousing it’s the kind with “female” type of man receiving large penis from a masculine man. The thing what I am aroused of is the idea of two persons having hot sex – that I can hear the “heat” what’s going on between them. But to say more, sometimes it also happens that I lose my interest on this and I need to swap back to scenario with a hot woman and a large penis! Just because the male body or male looks doesn’t offer me enough stimuli so to say…Gay porn without large penis is not hot. And most of the gay porn shows men with normal size penises. Also I definitely prefer watching females giving oral sex to men than men giving it to men. And to go further… Sometimes I have myself thinking all the hot porn I have seen lately while we have been having intercourse with her. It can be either hetero or gay porn, maybe even transsexual porn. I still think this is something most of the people do? So sometimes, and definitely not most of the time, I can have ideas about gay porn inside myself when I want to “spice up” our normal sex. It works well some times and in the end it is about me making love to her. I want to give her pleasure, the best I can. But it is not about imagining her being a man. I just raising some hot sexual thoughts to my mind, about thinking how two persons can have superhot pleasure. I believe it is something that is not about the gender, you know. So where does this put me in? Is there even need to label myself? Does this sound like confession of a gay man in denial?
first allow me to say I am by no means an expert. frankly that doesn't sound very gay to me. ever since I came out my straight friends have discussed similar desires. if only women do it for you, you're not gay, not by my definition. this is something I call cock lust. do you just like the image? or would you like it inside of you? if you want to try having the penis in you, there are thinks called strap ons, check out some videos of something called "pegging" it is where a woman wears a false penis and "tops" a guy. The only reason this exists is because people like it. This may satiate that urge. But just being interested in penises isn't quite gay in my book. Lets put it this way, I love men, their bodies, love armpit hair, that little tuft of hair below the belly button, especially the hair on the back of the thighs. O love their smell the feel of their face Christ mine. their masculine arms wrapped around me. Their deeper voice. Of course I like to mess around with their genitals but that isn't primary. This isn't how you described men, it is similar to how you have described women. The way in which you did so makes me think that it was genuine so I would think your label should be clear. Your doubt seems to really come up from the business with your cousin. Boys do that, it isn't bizarre. My first boy crush (Ryan) was also my first lover. We messed around, we jerked each other off, kissed cuddled, shared the same bed, sleep in each others arms. Loved it, felt so wonderful, I think Ryan felt that too. We were 13 years old, Ryan had to move across country, which broke our hearts. This was before Facebook and really the internet being party of our lives do he just vanished. Now he is 32 and so am I, I looked him up on Facebook, he remembered me. He is straight, married with three daughters. He explained to me that had he stayed here he may jab been gay, that he missed me and that he remembers our intimate times. He didn't feel that they made him gay. It was love, it was experimentation, it was what it was. I don't think Ryan is lying, he told his wife about us, it isn't abnormal for boys to do this, i think the estimate is some 54% of males have had homosexual experiences in their youth. It certainly isn't gay to remember it fondly either. In all reality it was intimacy, your first intimate encounter. Your cousin was your first time, it's not wired, is really common, Vertu much a part of make sexuality. Try a dildo, that may be all you need.
Not to drag up the same answer everyone does, but I feel like this may be a job for the Kinsey Scale...Google it, it's a scale of human sexuality. You sound like a Kinsey 1 to me.
I find your post quite interesting, because it’s in some ways similar to something I’ve been thinking about. I am attracted to both sexes, so consider myself bisexual. However, my same-sex attractions are rather limited. I only like boyish/androgynous guys with sensitive, empathetic, caring personalities – which is also how I am, although I’m often nervous about expressing empathy towards other guys, simply because it isn’t how most guys seem to act. My strongest opposite-sex attractions are similar in personality, but such personalities seem to be far commoner amongst girls. The other thing is that I’m physically attracted to most girls – androgynous, feminine, younger, older, etc. – but not at all to masculine or older guys (a little bit masculine/athletic is fine for an otherwise boyish type, but too much and my attraction drops to zero). With most girls I meet, I can imagine having sex or doing romantic activities, and have also had the same problem of having erections all the time when my girlfriend was around. With most guys, including all the openly gay guys I’ve met, I can’t imagine doing anything romantic or sexual. There is simply no attraction at all. So, if I were in your place, and tried to have sex with a guy I didn’t feel attracted to (i.e. who didn’t meet all of my physical and personality requirements), I doubt I could even do it – and if I did, e.g. when drunk, I’d probably feel the same way you did afterwards. That doesn’t mean, however, that I’d be unable to do it with the right guy. I’ve never tried, but there is one guy I’d probably say yes to, if he were bi/gay. I’ve sometimes had to struggle to not get an erection when he’s looked into my eyes, and he’s the only guy who’s ever had that effect on me (but quite a few girls have). Physically, my same sex attractions are different from yours. I find boyish male bodies (and most female bodies) attractive, but not masculine male bodies, and the cock doesn’t matter at all (I find big ones somehow exciting in porn, but don’t care in real life). The cock is only interesting to me because with it I can make someone I care about feel good (again, though, I’ve never actually tried it). The face/eyes are most important to me, and that’s for both guys and girls. How things like the cock, bum or tits can be so important to some guys really puzzles me, but my preferences would probably puzzle most guys, so I know I’m the strange one. Still, apart from that, your feelings sort of remind me of mine. Another difference is that I’ve always been agnostic/atheist, so have never had any religious worries about my attractions. I really don’t know, but if you’re somehow like me, I don’t think you’re lying to yourself or your girlfriend. It sounds like you love her, and I don’t think you should worry about becoming more gay either. Just be honest with yourself and with each other. Bisexuals do exist, but we can easily blend into the straight world and live fulfilling lives in straight relationships, so there is less of a need to be visible than for gays. Gays in fake straight relationships sometimes pretend to be bi, but they usually pretend to be straight first, and that doesn’t mean straight people don’t exist.
