Hi everyone! I'm a 20-years-old university student in Turkey. I am gay but nobody knows except for me. Everyday I have to play this straight boy game. And I'm really unhappy. When I'm with my friends and/or family, I seem to be happy; however, when I'm alone, the feeling of despair surrounds me. And I guess I really am desperate. Before asking for your advice, let me tell you my story. At the age of 18, I actually came out to my mother suddenly. She felt so bad that she thought I needed medical help, and she suggested me visit her psychiatrist. Unfortunately, in a moment of studipidity, I said I joked; and added that I was not gay. Then, she burst into tears thanking God for this. I thought I solved the problem. Then I started playing straight which I've mentioned above. But to my surprise, what I've done by saying it was just a joke has made the whole situation more problematic. Then I succeeded in the exams and enrolled in a university located in another city. I spent two and a half years in there and I have two and a half years to spend in that city. For the first two years, I lived in dorms. Now, I am living in a house that I share with a friend of mine, who, as one, who speaks to him about LGBT business, can easily assess, is a complete homophobic. Apart from that, he is one of the greatest people that I've ever met. And of course, he does not know the reality about me. I am always asked about possible girlfriends, I always hear homophobic jokes and the worst part is that I feel I have to smile at them. Long story short, I've been struglling on this coming out issue. I do not know why I told my mum that I joked. Whenever I think of this, I wanna set myself to the fire, kill myself. And seeing how good my flatmate is, I feel guilty to lie to him on this important issue. I heard an old acquaintance of mine has passed away, and it has been two months but it's like yesterday. Time flows very fast. And I know I will never come back to the world again. Thus I know should live my life the way I'd like to live. But as I've just implied, whenever I decide to come out of the closet 'again', I think about the people surrounding me, friends, relatives, family and give up this idea. So, please tell me what to do! Thanks in advance!
I can definitely tell you what NOT to do. Do not involve fire in this! I do not know much about Turkish culture, I will admit to that. But statistically, you are not the only member of the invisible Turkish LGBT population. There are others around you, in your community, who are also gay. Who can identify with you. Whatever you do, do NOT give up hope that you can find a way to be open and honest, about who you are and what you want in life. Is it possible for you to relocate? Find new friends? Do some google searching. Find out if there are gay bars (I saw some when I tried to google search it), where they are, etc. Research! What cities/areas are more gay-friendly? If you are considering self-harm, consider this; In five years from now, you could be living in a different place, in a nice apartment, wrapping your arms around a nice, caring, loving guy, who like you for exactly who you are! You could actually be really happy and experience love! Is that not worth fighting for? I think it is. I think the good things in life never come without a fight. You are stronger than you think. Pretending can make anyone feel like life will never be worth it, but at some point, you have to choose to start taking the steps towards a better future. But the first step is deciding that you want it, and decide that whatever happens along the road, you know what you want to have at the end of it. With acceptance of self and of a dream, you gain strength to continue moving. Don`t think that how you feel now, is the truth about how it will always be. The future is not carved in stone, it is fluid and ever moving! You can get there on day, but for now, keep that chin up, and don`t quit. Welcome to EC, you can get a lot of friends here! *hugs!*
