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Afraid to accept that I'm probably gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by tea123, Dec 27, 2012.

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  1. tea123

    tea123 Guest

    Hey all,

    Firstly I'd like to apologise, I deleted my account on this site (lucky I could sign up again using the same name) after posting only once as I panicked, went into deep denial and have been going through depression. I've even cried myself to sleep on a couple of occasions and I'm not normally one to cry. I feel really bad about it because you are some of the most amazing and kind people I've ever had the pleasure to meet on the internet. I hope it doesn't tarnish your view of me, I'm just finding all this hard to accept...

    Well, these past few days I've sort of realised that I'm most likely gay but I'm afraid to accept it. I sort of told my best friend that I think I might be gay a couple of weeks ago and he was completely cool with it and everything but I quickly went back into denial and told him that talking to him made me realise that I'm not even though deep down I know that's rubbish :frowning2:

    I keep telling myself that I'm being silly and try to forget about it but I just can't, it has been on my mind for almost two months now and in my eye's that is more than "just a phase".

    It's not that I'm homophobic or anything, I've always been tolerant and accepting of LGBT people but I just never imagined myself (until the past few months anyway) to be gay. I always thought I'd grow up, graduate from college, get a job, meet a nice woman and get married, a few kids and all that but now that future I thought I had is slowly being torn away. Now I don't know what I'm going to do... I suppose you could say I'm grieving for the straight life I had...

    One of the things stopping me from accepting it and coming out is down to I'm afraid people will expect me to act in a certain way or expect me to all of a sudden be effeminate or something, I know that I'd be exactly the same as I am now if I were to come out but it's just that fear of what people would think. Coming from a small town which isn't exactly a hot bed of tolerance doesn't make this easy :frowning2:

    I know my closest friends would be fine with it and wouldn't treat me any differently but I'm still finding it hard to accept it.

    I'm not sure how my family would react, I think my mum would be fine with it as she's always taught me to be tolerant of others who are different from me (I've sorted of hinted that I may not exactly be straight to my mum, the other week while we were in the car we were talking about relationships and how I'm still single and everything I said "I can date whoever I like, I am an adult after all" without thinking it through and she was like "Umm, yeah I get you..." followed by awkward silence). I have no idea what my dad would think, we get on well and everything but I don't know what he thinks about it as we've never talked about it.

    So it's not like I'm worried about how my close friends and family will react, I'm afraid to come to terms with who I am but I don't know how to do it... Hence why I'm here because I'm fed up, I'm sick and tired of living in limbo being too afraid to accept myself for who I am. I'll admit, I've been too proud to ask for help, I thought I could work this out on my own but now I'm not afraid to admit that I need it because even though I may be very good at hiding it on the inside I'm an emotional wreck.

    Sorry if that was a little long and everything but I needed to let it all out, again I'm sorry about deleting my account and going into denial. Like I said above you people on here are some of the most amazing and kind people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting on the internet.

    Thanks for reading

    Tea123
     
    #1 tea123, Dec 27, 2012
  2. Given To Fly

    Given To Fly
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    Hey, :welcome: to EC!

    FIrst things first - don't be sorry. The main thing is you are here now, and you recognize that you need help processing what you are going through.

    YOU are almost certainly the hardest person you will ever face coming out to, I speak from experience. It took me a lot of painful years in denial to come to terms with who I am. Now, for the first time since I can remember, I'm looking forward to the new year. So it can be done.

    You've already said you are pretty sure you are gay. So you are halfway there. You need to understand that you are still the same person inside, you still like the same sports, movies, music or whatever. Being gay doesn't define your whole life. Understanding that helped me to accept myself.

    It might help you if you are able to confide in someone you know and trust. In the meantime, until you feel ready to take that step, we're here.

    Good luck (*hug*).
     
    #2 Given To Fly, Dec 27, 2012
  3. mm11

    mm11
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    I know exactly how you feel. My biggest problem in this whole process has been accepting myself. I always was very accepting of LGBTQ people as well and a big supporter of gay marriage and rights. Like you, though, I never really considered that I might be gay myself or what it would mean. I've struggled with it deeply and have found it very difficult asking for help, but talking it through with friends made a huge difference for me.

    It's difficult to come to terms with, but at the end of the day you just have to accept yourself for who you are. I know it's easier said than done, but you can never move forward if you don't take the first step.

    Just know you're not alone! =)
     
    #3 mm11, Dec 27, 2012
  4. jvn95

    jvn95
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    Hi!

    It's certainly OK to feel this way when coming out. It's all a part of the process and most of us go through one way or another. I would admit it then bury it again and admit it then bury it again. It was a terrible cycle and I'm very glad you are trying to get through this. Posting on EC really does help.

    Stick around, were all here for you :slight_smile:
     
    #4 jvn95, Dec 27, 2012
  5. tea123

    tea123 Guest

    Thanks for the replies :slight_smile:

    I know I need to just accept who I am and everything else will follow, but it's just doing that... I know it's a lot easier to say than to actually do it. I still need a lot of time coming to terms with who I am before I actually feel comfortable enough to come out properly to my close friends and family.

    Also sorry to get all mushy but I'm so glad I've found EC and I really do regret that I left it, just talking about it is helping a lot! (&&&)
     
    #5 tea123, Dec 27, 2012
  6. RainbowMan

    RainbowMan
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    I'm out to all of one person, my therapist. You're probably a bit young to go get that kind of help on your own, though - but I dunno.

    I wrote a letter to my parents last night that I plan on giving them a little further down the road into my journey (hopefully by my birthday). And no worries about leaving EC and coming back! You're here now, and that's really all that matters. You'll find that it's a wonderful community.
     
    #6 RainbowMan, Dec 27, 2012
  7. starmarie

    starmarie Guest

    You are not alone. I am definitely having a hard time accepting the fact that I'm not straight. I was always accepting of the LGBT community, but I never thought that it'd be me. I've been asking myself "Why me?" and when I first started questioning/realizing it was like I had completely changed. It's like my brain is playing a mean trick on me. Sometimes it just doesn't feel real. But you are still the same person, and you have the strength to get through this. It is a beautiful thing.

    I'm very glad you came back to EC. :slight_smile: Posting here and communicating with other people with similar experiences does help. (*hug*)
     
    #7 starmarie, Dec 27, 2012
  8. JohnJuan

    JohnJuan
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    I am glad you came back to EC. The people here are wonderfully supportive and helpful. Accepting yourself is by far the biggest and hardest step in the coming out process. Take your time and explore it. There is no rush.

    I think it is pretty normal to grieve for your "old" life. Try thinking of it more as a growth process. You may be leaving some things behind, but you are awakening to a wonderful new world. I think being gay is really pretty special. Some of the most interesting people historically and currently are gay. Welcome to the club. Please keep posting here and let us know how it is going.
     
    #8 JohnJuan, Dec 27, 2012
  9. Gazza123

    Gazza123 Guest

    You are most certainly not alone buddy :wink:

    I think every LGBT person goes through a somewhat similar situation to yours with regards to accepting yourself. For me, it took some time to process it, to accept and then to come out but let me tell you. EC was the massive stepping stone I needed so I'm glad your back and seeking support.

    I to thought I would go to Uni, graduate, get job, find a nice woman and all of that.... but it wasnt meant to be. LGBT people never bothered me, I was never against them but at the sametime I never thought I would be gay myself.

    It does take time but as the saying goes "it gets better" and it truely does. EC is a brilliant, supoortive and kind community that helped me and still help me through all my issues.

    I hope my somewhat long winded post has helped a little and remember.... everyone of us is hefe to help. Its one of the many great things about EC.
     
    #9 Gazza123, Dec 28, 2012
  10. CaptVonTrapped

    CaptVonTrapped Guest


    Tea123, your entire blog is EXACTLY how I feel since the the beginning of this month, but ESPECIALLY the quote above.

    I don't know if it will help but I think I'm going to talk with a buddy of mine who is gay (in a stable relationship with a guy). Last week while we were at dinner with a bunch of people from work, I asked him quietly how he knew he was gay. He said he always knew since he was 10 or 12, and he kind of dropped it. But the next day he sent me an email saying that if I ever want to "talk about anything" he would be happy to do so. Maybe he didn't feel comfortable talking about it in such a public place or something. I'm hoping that will help me feel OK with my homosexual desires so that I can accept myself. I'll let you know how it turns out.
     
    #10 CaptVonTrapped, Dec 28, 2012
  11. BiErik

    BiErik
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    Hey tea, I can relate, my coming out was a bit Rocky at first. I didn't go all effeminate, I am exactly the same as I was before I was out, nothing about me is effeminate.

    I am not out to my folks I have less tolerant parents than you. But it's okay, you will survive, you can be happy it takes time but you have already started buddy. Just don't loose sight.
     
    #11 BiErik, Dec 28, 2012
  12. tea123

    tea123 Guest

    Thanks for all the replies, I really do appreciate it!

    I feel a lot better today, just talking about it on here helps a lot and I've felt more upbeat today :slight_smile:

    I think I'm getting closer to accepting myself, I know I'm not 100% straight but at the same time I don't feel 100% gay either so I could be bisexual... I mean, I do still find women attractive but I put that down to being in denial about being gay. Maybe me trying to label myself as either straight or gay isn't helping me accept it? Maybe me trying to confine myself to either being straight or gay is one of the sources of me finding it hard to accept who I am? If that makes any sense to anyone...

    I'm still no-where near ready enough to come out to anyone (apart from on here :icon_wink), but I'm on the journey and feeling much better about it :slight_smile:
     
    #12 tea123, Dec 28, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 28, 2012
  13. Given To Fly

    Given To Fly
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    Hi, I'm glad you're feeling better. This site does seem to have that effect :slight_smile:

    As for labels, they are just words. How you feel inside is more important. Maybe you are gay, maybe you are straight, maybe you are somewhere in between. But with time you'll figure out what works for you. No-one here will critiscise you for taking your time and sorting out how you feel.
     
    #13 Given To Fly, Dec 28, 2012
  14. csm123

    csm123
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    Hi tea & welcome back

    Never be sorry for having a moment of panic and backtracking a little.Alot of us on here will have done something like this at one time or another.

    I think you have come along way on your journey,you have managed to rejoin us,with the same username,and been honest about your reasons for going.Some would have rejoined with a new account,just to save face.

    It says "not at all" on your out status,but after your brave talk with your mum I think you could have "mum" writen there now.It really does sound like she got the message.To be fair to her,I think you should have another talk and basicly confirm what you already told her.She already knows,so it wont be a big shock and if you two can talk about it together she may be your support for coming out to the rest of your family.I wouldnt be surprised if the possibility of you being gay has already been discused,after a long silence in the car with you,she would of wanted to "talk" to someone which could quite possibly been your dad,of course you know her better than any of us,but at least if YOU talk to her you can find out if anyone else knows.

    Try sticking around on here a bit,if/when you feel you can,look for some sort of lgbt activity to join.Basicaly just something to interact with other gay people,you will find others in just the same poition as you right up to totaly out people.Just being with others and interacting with them will be the biggest and best confidence booster you could wish for.How ever difficult it seems to go to such places when in your situation,trust me it is worth going out of your comfort zone to join,just think about being with a group of people who accept you and you can be out and open with them.

    Good luck and keep us updated.

    Just to add,when I wrote about coming out,I had not read your last responce about not being ready yet,that is just fine.That being said,I still feel your mum "knows" and deserves a confirmation when you feel ready.
     
    #14 csm123, Dec 28, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2012
  15. tea123

    tea123 Guest

    It's funny you should say that because this Christmas I swear I saw my aunt say to her boyfriend; "[my mum] thinks [me] is gay, but don't tell anyone"

    Maybe she did maybe she didn't, if she did I'm not happy that my aunt is telling people things I haven't confirmed with anyone yet but I suppose families gossip.

    While she is probably at least suspicious about it, especially as I've never had a proper girlfriend, I don't feel that I want to tell her yet. I want to be comfortable with myself before I do anything and I'm sure she would understand that.
     
    #15 tea123, Dec 28, 2012
  16. Capichino

    Capichino
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    Hey welcome :welcome: :wave:

    And most ppl when they think that they are gay it is hard to axcept that

    Capitichino/Austin
     
    #16 Capichino, Dec 28, 2012
  17. CaptVonTrapped

    CaptVonTrapped Guest

    I finally got the courage to call a gay guy I know from work who offered to listen if I needed to talk about anything. I told him I thought I was gay and that I was FREAKING OUT. Really, I didn't do much talking, but I did a lot of listening. My friend told me his situation and reassured me that it would be OK.

    I guess I'm getting closer to being OK with myself. I still get sprung at guys with no shirts on. So, looks like I'm gay for sure.
     
    #17 CaptVonTrapped, Dec 29, 2012
  18. tea123

    tea123 Guest

    How did it go?

    I hope it went well and everything :slight_smile: I don't know how far I am from coming out properly to be honest, I still need to come out to myself if anything...

    I'm going away for a few days with some friends for New Years though so hopefully it will give me a chance to just be myself and see what happens.

    Good luck in your own journey, I know as well that it is hard because I'm going through the same thing and I'm really happy that you had the courage to talk to your friend (*hug*)
     
    #18 tea123, Dec 29, 2012
  19. JRed

    JRed
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    I agree with everything people have said here and I agree, this is something we all go through. Something that helped me and could be useful to you is watching coming out videos on youtube, or videos of gay couples. It really is an eye opening experience and can rid you of all the stereotypes you've ever heard. After watching them I would think, "Yea, you know what. I can see myself in a relationship with a guy." Some channels I recommend are Shep 689 and soulsnotsoldiers. Also just search for coming out stories... Hope this helps!
     
    #19 JRed, Dec 30, 2012
  20. tea123

    tea123 Guest

    Haven't posted on here in a while, been settling back into university life after the Christmas holidays.

    Well I've just been taking things as they come and haven't really gave much thought about my sexual orientation, I just kinda let things be for a while and saw what happened and to be honest for the first time in a while I'm feeling pretty comfortable with myself :slight_smile: Rather than feel bad that I find myself checking guys out sometimes I find it actually comes quite naturally.

    Still, I'm not sure when I actually want to confirm anything with any of my close friends and family yet. I'll cross those bridges when I come to them (finding the right moment and all). But for now I'm just glad that I've finally accepted myself for who I am :slight_smile:
     
    #20 tea123, Jan 8, 2013
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