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Parents don't want me coming out...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by andrew23, Dec 27, 2012.

  1. andrew23

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    So my family belongs to a really tight knit church where everyone knows each other. I came out to them a while ago but they are still convinced that I'm going to change. When I told my dad that I wanted to start telling people I was gay, he told me that him and my mom had decided that we would move to another state if I did. They are afraid of the reactions they will get from other people and how everyone will look at them. Both my parents have been very supportive to the best of their ability and they are making this decision due to the extremely homophobic attitude in the people at my church (mainly the adults). I've reached the point where I'm ready and eager to come out but I don't want to have to move. Any advice?
     
  2. Axon

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    Hey Andrew,

    First off, congratulations on reaching a point where you feel comfortable enough with yourself that you're ready to come out to others. You took quite a large leap telling your parents, and I am glad that they have been supportive.

    At first impression, it seemed that they are not fully supportive of your coming out given that they are trying to keep it under wraps and hoping that you'll change. However, just like you had to come to accept yourself, your parents have to come to accept that you will not necessarily lead the life that they imagined you would follow; it will take time and effort, but I have hope that they will get there.

    While the idea that you'll have move seems rather drastic, perhaps your parents are right in that your church is not the community that you'd want to come out to. If the church has strict, negative views about homosexuality, then that is not very likely to change. Would you be able to branch out and make friends outside of the church? You could find a support group or even make friends at school/work. If you can build a support system outside of the church, then that would allow you to come out and be yourself without undermining your parents.

    Best of luck!
     
  3. Argentwing

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    Do they think people at the church are stupid enough to think that gayness is bad and, more inexplicably, your parents' fault? If they're right and the church people would scorn them, I'd almost be eager to move away from that enclave of idiots. But if they're wrong and the church-goers would at worst be indifferent, that is a very sideways way of expressing their own homophobia and they should be doubly ashamed of themselves.

    ADDENDUM: I agree with the above poster that a church is not always the best place to intentionally tell people you're gay, but you did describe it more like "telling any ole' person" rather than just church people. I'd really stay away from the latter if possible.
     
    #3 Argentwing, Dec 27, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2012
  4. curlycats

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    i mostly agree with Axon, but i think that the reason why your parents do not want you to come out publicly at all and will even go so far to move is because coming out publicly at all, even if to people outside the church, is still likely to make its way back to the church.

    like you said, andrew23, this isn't just about you. they are afraid of what people will think of them too. i know that really sucks, especially considering your eagerness to come out to everyone, but i think you really should take your parents seriously on this matter and give them more time to accept things. since your parents are already struggling with accepting you, i think that coming out publicly when they aren't ready will only add to their struggle and make things even worse for you.

    i don't mean to be negative... but that's how i see the situation. if you really really want to come out, i would suggest only coming out to friends who you feel you can really trust to keep a secret, at least for now. do you think you could hold off on coming out fully until you're no longer living with your parents and are financially independent? then they won't be able to drag you anywhere.

    just my opinion... sorry, it's probably not what you want to hear. :frowning2: best of luck, though!

    the problem is that even if the people at church don't blame the parents, it will put the parents between a rock and a hard place. IF the parents do decide to support their son, the church goers will definitely frown upon this, thus making it even harder for them to accept their son even if they really want to.
     
    #4 curlycats, Dec 27, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2012
  5. MixedNutz

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    Totally agree with the above posts.

    It sounds like your parents are concerned about any negative repercussions for them and you. Moving states does sound extreme though.

    I have the same situation. I was In a church that being gay is not acceptable. I slowly started to separate myself from the church and also my friends. It's important to have a support group around you.
     
  6. BiErik

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    My two cents.

    Your parents see a potential danger, it is obvious they care about you. The crimes committed against people because they are homosexual is probably scarring them. It would frighten me also. I was frightened I lived in an infamous town that was known to have been an epicenter for anti gay crime. Laramie Wyoming. I was scared of people acting aggressively toward me there, many people told me how they were glad that "another faggot is out of this world" so I kept my mouth shut. You are twenty, something I love about your age group is they don't seem to practice this rhetoric.

    It tells me that it indeed is getting better. But your parents peers may not see that, ever talk to a70 year old and hear racial slurs in their language as though it was normal? Your parents generation is that way with orientation slurs. Ask them if they ever called each other "stupid little queer" even my age group does this, something that someone doesn't like is often referred to as gay. Seems younger people don't say that as much as my peers did and frankly still do.
     
  7. andrew23

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    Curlycats you're right in that the news will most definitely make it back to the church. We are really close with our extended family, all of which go to the same church. Many of my best friends also are from the church. I was thinking about coming out at college, but one of my cousins goes there and it would be risky. Very frustrating
     
  8. curlycats

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    have you considered going to college away from home? not necessarily out-of-state, but in a different city/town...? would that be possible for you?

    seriously, if there's even the slightest possibility that you could do that, i would go for it as best you can. the freedom that comes with living in a different city/state/etc from your family is crazy awesome. :slight_smile: lonely at times, yes, but there'd be the option of going back into the closet temporarily just to visit home.