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My boyfriend left with my heart.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by dtandrsn, Dec 28, 2012.

  1. dtandrsn

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I normally would not do this but I feel I have no where else to turn. My former boyfriend (we are going to call him X) started dating December 15, 2009. I was scared because My pervious relationship was abusive. Anytime X and I would talk seriously or have a disagreement, I would shut down. I only shut down because I was afraid he was going to abuse me like the pervious boyfriend did. However, X past relationship with guys they physically fought when arguments got out of hand. I'm not that type of guy. I so not believe in putting my hands on anyone I care about in a harmful. In my eyes that is not love.

    I started to love him about 4 months after dating. I was struggling with trying to trust that he wpuld not abuse me. Although, he promised me he would never hit me. My issue with abuse was so bad that it started to weigh on the relationship. I didn't want to lose him so I tried everything to fix this internal issue and finally I did. I knew 7 months after we were dating I was falling in love with him. Around July of 2010, we had our first big argument. We really wasnt spending a lot of tome together and we werent talking a lot. Then, I told him that if he wasn't going to be with me he wasn't going to be with anyone. Saying that put of hurt...he started to pull back. When I told him I loved him he wouldn't say it back. When I told him I missed him he would say it back. He then told me that maybe he is not boyfriend material. That broke my heart but for some reason I was still falling in love with him.

    I have up all my privacy to prove to him that I was the guy for him. He wanted to know my every where about and I told him. He had full access to my phone because I had nothing to hide from him. This went on until May 5, 2011. X and I had out 2nd biggest argument. It was to the point where I couldn't take anymore. I was tired of him accusing me of cheating, not listening to me but listening to others, not spending real quality time with me, not loving me the way I deserved to be loved, no affection, it was like he hated to be around me. Seem like he was only around because he had nothing better to do. I broke up with him and I started having a mental breakdown, by this time I was completely in love with him. I ended up staying in the hospital for 7 days. When I finally got out. He was the first person I called and told him how much I missed and how stupid I was to leave him.

    After the argument, X and I haven't seen each other in about 2 weeks. Finally, we met back up at my place. When he walked the the door, his eyes were different. For the first time when I looked in his eyes I seem love. He touched and kissed me with so much emotion. Finally, he was the guy I knew him to be deep down inside. Everything was great for about 4 months. I started to tell him that he is going back to his old ways. He wouldn't listen to me. Of Course we argued and made up and he made my heart smile.

    In January of 2012, my friend (we are going to call her M) wanted me to met her friend C. I told her nawl because I didn't want to befriend any other guy. X was the only guy I needed in my life. Well, after a few weeks of talking to M about C, I decided to meet them for dinner. C and I exchanged numbers and the very next day! He called me and we talked about relationships. C tells me about the relationship he was currently in. I told him about the relationship I was currently in and how in love I was. So, C decides he want to talk about past relationships. He started talking about a guy he was in a relationship with for 2 months. The more C explain his past relationship the more it sounded like X. After enough information had been explained, I asked C what was the guy name. Lord behold...it was X. I could not believe that the guy that I have given my all to had cheated on me. After all the acussing me of cheating and lying. Supposedly he is the one cheating. I confronted X immediately! He wanted to change the story around asking me how do I know C. So, X and I begin to argue. I stop talking to C because I needed to find out what is going on with my boyfriend. Of Course, X claim C to be a liar. C only knew so much information about h because of the school program they were in together. X did admit that they exchanged numbers. I told X that I didn't believe him and we need to fix this. I am still not sure what happen but I have tries to move on and pass it.

    Things continued to be rocky but we didn't fall off. I knew that in my heart he was the one. I just needed him to see that. I still gave it my all and did whatever I had to do to keep that boat floating. December 10, 2012. X walked in the house and told me he is changing his life. I asked him what did he mean. He told me he was no longer going to talk to guys. He uncle who is a preacher told him "no one else may not know what you are doing but I know. If you do not change your ways you will die early". He claim he tried to ignore it but he kept coming back to him. So, he went talked to his anutie. She told him, "Warning comes before destruction and if you do not listent to God he will turn you over to another power and have nothing else to do with you". X told me he did not want to be that guy. He has known God all his life and a relationship between two men is a life of darkness. He said that's a lifestyle that one chose to do. He cannot love The Lord and be homosexual at the same time. He took the dog and gave me the key to the apartment back and left me on the couch crying my eyes out.

    Now, he will not talk to me. He ignore my phone calls and my txt messages. I don't understand any of this. I have him my all and all I asked for is him to love me unconditionally, spend time with me, and treat me as important as he was to me. I have been crying everyday since he walked out that door. Deep in my heart I know we are meant to be together. 3 years and he just leave as if I am nothing. When he do talk to me now it's as if I disgust him and he hates me. I don't understand. I have tried to move on and nothing compares to him. Everywhere I go I think of him. I can't sleep in the bed anymore because he is no longer there. I feel so lost and incomplete without him. I don't understand did love him too much and drove him away. Or did I not love him enough? I want him back so bad and this is not my first love. After the abusive relationship, I prayed to God and asked for true love and a lasting relationship. A few months later out of nowhere X pops up. I always knew he was at school because we shared the same mutual friends. I never once seen him as the guy I would talk to. Now the person that means the world to me is gone. I don't wanna live my life without him.

    My friend told me he would come back in due time. She said because he is gay and he will never be truly happy with a woman. I don't understand where I went wrong. Any advice because seem like moving on is not an option my heart won't let me.