Im reading a lot about expressing anger constructively. One suggestion is to learn to use "I feel" statements. Unfortunately I dont really understand. "I feel" statements are supposed to not blame the other person. But when you say "I feel x when you do y" to someone, isnt that still blaming them? For example, my ex deleted a whole bunch of footage I needed from dance practice from my camera without asking my permission, and Im very angry about it. Do I say "I feel angry because you deleted the footage"? How is that different from saying "you deleting the footage made me mad"? To me it seems like the same thing.
Your feeling angry isn't *caused* by his action, it's a *result* of his action. When you say "You deleted the footage made me mad" you're giving your power over your own emotions to someone else. When you say "I am feeling angry because you deleted the footage" then you are owning the emotion as your own, and saying you are feeling the emotion and it's tied to what he did. Do you see the difference? People who have difficulty with assertiveness and self esteem, and/or people with difficulty connecting to their emotions often don't have any idea what they feel. They instead say things like "I didn't like the fact that you did that" or "I think what you did was wrong" or something like that, taking yourself out of the realm of feeling and into thinking.
I dont know, I can see the difference but its so subtle. It still seems like if someone said that to me, I would feel like I "made them angry" regardless. How do I handle more complex ones, too? For example, I am angry at my mom for something she did more than a year ago. She said she would pay for a psychologist to help me with my panic disorder. But when my panic disorder got really bad (before I had a chance to find a psychologist) I ended up quitting school. Because I quit school she wouldn't pay for a psychologist anymore. (She really wanted me to go to school). Do I say, "I feel angry because you said you would pay for a psychologist and then changed your mind?" Because to me that sounds like Im just being a spoiled brat.
