I feel so out of place with my family. This morning I went to my brothers house to spend time with him my two nephews and my sister in law. My divorced mom and dad were there also. I have been in a 12 step program for almost three years, and have grown so much. I am learning or at least moving towards acceptance of being gay, and learning how to have healthy relationships with everyone, especially family. My brother is a youth pastor and Im a gay alcoholic, yes we did drink out of the same faucet growing up. Since I have started dealing with my issues, sexually, I have become so uncomfortable around them. I love them so much, but I withdraw, and kinda sink into myself, if that makes sense, when I am around them. I feel so out of place because I have all this shit going on inside of me that I cant talk to them about, and I dont know how to be around them anymore with out wanting to be out my body. They dont make me feel uncomfortable I make it for myself. I feel like whats the point in trying to build a relationship with them when I will end up not being a part of their lives anyway, because of being gay. My nephews are 2 and the other is less than a year, and I really dont even know them, is there really any point to know them when, if I let myself become who God wants me to be, I cant be apart of their lives anyway. I really hate all this, but what other choice do I have than to try and find what I need to accept this, so I wont want to die everyday.
I take it you are not out to your family? With a religious background are they homophobic or do they accept others for who they are? It sounds like you've come out to the world in a sense but have to go back in the closet with family. That would definitely be a reason you are feeing the way you are. Is coming out to your family a possibility? Congrats to you for dealing with the alcohol addiction. Accepting yourself for who you are should help on that front. It is sad that you don't feel you can be yourself without feeling you can't also be a part your family and nephews lives.
I can relate to you a lot on this. I quit drinking this year, after spending years being out of control with it. I didn't even realize I was gay until several months after I quit. I think the alcohol made it easier to deny it. I've never told my family about my issues with alcohol or about being gay. They are pretty fundamental Christians (and I'm an atheist, to boot). I also have a really hard time being around them because I can't be myself around them at all. So, at least you know you're not alone! In the way of advice, I can only tell you what I've been trying to do and maybe it will work for you too. I have had to practice being around them again, and it's been slightly more comfortable since I've been trying. I started with really short periods of time, like just meeting up for lunch, and worked up to longer periods of time. It's not always easy, but I don't feel like quite such an outsider anymore. I had to work to find topics of conversation that were "safe" for me to talk about with them (i.e., things that will spark arguments, like religion or my sister). After awhile, we've been able to find other things in common and have regular conversations. I try not to worry about coming out to my family. I don't see the point in worrying about it right now, because I'm single, so there's no reason for me to come out right now. What are your concerns about coming out to your family? Do these need to be concerns for you right now or can you put them on the back burner while you take care of yourself? Good luck.
