Hello: I am a 32 yo female, and I have mostly had relationships with men. However, I discovered during college experimentation that I was extremely attracted to women. Some of my experiences with them really transcended anything I knew sexuality could be -- I felt more drawn towards their bodies and pleasuring them. However, I still enjoyed sex with men and receiving. When I was about 28, something snapped, coupled by feeling betrayed and used in my relationships with men for their comfort and self-soothing. I began to view the male genitalia as demanding and violating, and I felt a surge of disgust. I decided to identify as lesbian. However, shortly thereafter, I met a man who fell in love with me. He pursued me notwithstanding by lesbian label, and we had a relationship. I was not sexually attracted to him for some time, but eventually fell so in love with him that attraction budded and was strong and satisfying. We dated on and off for three years, and at one point he broke my heart. After we ended, I finally had a relationship with a woman -- a butch lesbian. The sex was the best I have ever had, and all of my issues feeling violated and unsafe in sex disappeared. However, she was emotionally abusive, and the relationship besides sex somewhat traumatizing. Now, the man I was in love with is back, and I find my fear of sex has returned. I feel attracted to him, but when it comes down to the deed I feel overwhelmed and disgusted. I don't know if this is psychological or a key to my sexual orientation. I think I could get over these feelings if I feel safe enough with him, but I'm afraid of betraying my sexual orientation and divorcing him in 5 years for a woman. I just don't know -- he is the love of my life, but I'm not sure I should try to cultivate the sex part! So very, very confused!
