Okay so for the past few weeks I have been so conflicted about my best friend. Ever since I came out to him (and he was perfectly okay with it) these feelings have been getting worse. First I should probably just explain, since I have come out to my friends I am a lot more comfortable with myself, and am at the point now where I cant wait to be in college soon and have the chance for a real relationship. Also, I should note that this one friend of mine is the only guy I am close with, all of the rest of my friends are girls. To make things even better lol, I find him very attractive. So here I am with a good-looking best friend among a bunch of girls and a feeling of needing a relationship....it would seem only natural that I start crushing on this guy. But my question is, is this a real crush?? Whenever I fantasize about guys he is usually the one I am just cuddling with, its rarely ever a sexual fantasy. So do I just focus on him because hes convenient, and I really just want a relationship? Or is it because of HIM in particular that I am having these feelings? There are times when I think I am just in love with the idea of a relationship, then at other times I think it is because of this one guy.
l understand where you are coming from as you felt comfortable enough to come out to him along with the girls so maybe you thought he may have been feeling the same too?
If your best friend is straight, then you should stop fantasize him. First, he can't return the feelings you have for him. Second, if he's a keeper, friendship is much better than relationship. Once you're in college meeting new people, your feelings for him will subside. I can't give you an answer about do you actually like him, or he's just there for you, I believe deep down you already know the answer.
Your situation reminds me of myself and my crush. Whenever I think about him, I think of us doing BF stuff. Spooning, cuddling, going out together etc. Very rarely do I think about him in a sexual way. I think it's due to the fact that, he is good looking but more to the point, your good/close friends with him so you can easily imagine being in a relationship with him. And yes, being lonely does cause you to cursh more/harder imo. And yes, it is a real crush. Thinking about someone purely in a sexual way is just lust.
Its so frustrating because I honestly don't know whether or not I have real feelings for him!! All of last year I didn't think I really like him in this way at all, but then this year for a while I thought I seriously had strong feelings for him. But once I told him I was gay and saw how cool he was with it, my only thoughts were how grateful I was to have a friend like him and how much i loved him as a FRIEND. Yes, I am lonely, and I do fantasize about relationships, but it makes sense that he is the one I fantasize about, I mean who else would I think of? But after saying all of this, i just don't know! I could also definitely see myself being with him if he was gay (which he isnt unfortunately)
The most important thing is to recognize that you can't have that kind of relationship with him. Therefore, it doesn't really matter if you want to. Focusing on these feelings can't have any good result. It's normal that you would have these kinds of feelings for him; but when they come up, don't try to dwell on them too much. Think of it more like celebrity crushes, other impossible crushes--it's okay to have the fantasies, but he is simply not available to you.
From my limited knowledge gained through an Intro to Psychology class (albeit with a GREAT teacher), opportunity/convenience does lend a huge hand to building even real, lasting relationships. If you're crushing on him because it's easy and expected, so what? Just make sure that the crush itself is real; reasons why it's there be damned. Although as your best friend, there is a good chance it won't be reciprocated, so tread with utmost caution.
Geez, you've pretty much described my same situation perfectly! I am going through the exact same thing with my best friend. Things were a little weird after I told him but everything is alright now. The only problem: I practically think he is my soul mate and is awesome! :lol: I don't think it's just because he is convenient. If you are best friends (and best friends like we are), there is no way it isn't a connection or attraction on a personal level. I would guess there is a lot about him you like besides looks. The thing is, you really like this guy AND you probably want a relationship. So... BAM, he's great and you will be in a relationship! Everything works our perfectly right? Wrong, because I assume he is straight and nothing more than a friendship will work out. Coming to terms with that is where I am at with this and it is the worst part. I know exactly what you mean when you say it is getting worse. My feelings for him are much more intense now, but I am doing better every day. But in short, I think it is a combination of strong physical and personal feelings for him AND a desire for a good relationship. I'd say try your hardest to cope and keep him as a good friend. But I know exactly what you're going through. As for the cuddling and such, yes, very normal. It will continue to develop over time. ---------- Post added 28th Dec 2012 at 10:56 PM ---------- Ah, didn't see your response. lol I tried to keep it on a complete friend basis, but for me personally I still want to be with him with every part of my being. He was cool with it, but that tolerance may be limited. Be the best friend you can be, but if he doesn't want anything more, don't ruin what you already share. Best of luck! I'd be interested to know how things work out.
No matter if we tell ourselves "this person is straight, we can't like them" 100, it can still happen. But it is important to work on not getting too involved because he won't be interested. I say this because I have been there before. A lot..... I think that part of it is that you want that. You want a relationship. You see this friend. If he were gay you would probably be dating him - am I correct? You might like him like that. But I think it's a whole mix of things. This was my whole high school journey. Every guy was like this. It was horrible! I hated the feeling of being in such a limbo. But don't feel bad. It is normal.
Thanks for the replies everyone! I guess I will just have to deal with this..... I think its getting worse now because I am home for christmas break and not with him all the time. In general I feel a lot better about everything when I am with ppl, but when I am alone I start feeling...well, lonely lol..
