Young and curious

Hello to all!

I've been lurking the forums for months now and feel this is the place for me. I'm a 25 yr old male and a college student. I am currently in a relationship with a woman, whom I love and care for. But before I go any further, I'll give a little insight into my life.

I've had plenty of rendezvous with guys and gals since a young age. My first kiss was probably around 4 or 5 and this quickly turned into make out sessions and heavy petting. This was all with a girl same age as me. Around this time, I also began to dress up in my mothers clothing. It was fun and exciting. Made me feel free and sexy. Also, I started developing crushes on all the girls in school, especially the pretty ones. As the years went on, I pretty much leaped at the chance to do anything sexual, especially with a girl. All my fantasies were that way and this continued, even now.

Ok, so at about 11-12 I had my first sexual experience with my best friend at the time, a guy. Btw, I stopped dressing up off and on. It was never something that lasted for than a few months with year gaps in between. So me and my best friend would have sleep overs and it was all innocent I guess. He was a year older and I cared for him. We started off grinding and touching. Eventually all our clothes were off and would oral and anal(no penetration). We even kissed a once or twice but it never felt right. This happened for about a year till one night I cut off our encounters. It just didn't appeal to me anymore. I began finding girls to be a huge turn on though. There was one other guy, around this age I messed with but not like my best friend. But I remember this, the last guy I did anything with as a kid, I went limp in the middle of it and was turned off

Now I grew up catholic, but that never phased me. I usually did as I pleased all my life. Ok, so from 13-24 I pretty much was into girls. I had beat off to some tranny porn a bunch of times but always went back to women. I had "sex" with a girl at 13. It was oral, vaginal and anal. It was at this age I really began to enjoy anal sex with women. It was my ultimate fantasy. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed pussy but the butt was always so taboo. I dated a few girls through out the years and had my heart broken a few times. And around 18-19
I met the love of my life. She was a beautiful, tall red-head from Texas. I was obsessed. We explored sex like no other and she was into everything I was. I loved her. But I was also heavy into drugs and alcohol at the time and within 2 years we split. I don't blame her. I was hell to be with at the time.

At this point, I'm about 20 and I experiment with tranny/gay/straight chat rooms. I was really into the tranny stuff because they were basically hot chicks that always took it up the butt(sorry if I'm being to detailed). This phased out eventually. And I got clean and sober. When I got sober, my first thought was "Oh great. Guess I gotta tell everyone I'm gay now!" But that wasn't my case. I had counseling, very close gay and straight friends and a sponsor, none of which thought I was gay and the thought of me being gay just left. I found out plenty of people experiment early on in life and I resumed my "normal", sober hetero-lifestyle. About a year sober, I got into a relationship with a girl I fell in love with. It wasn't easy at first. Actually, there was a time in the beginning of the relationship where I thought I was gay because I didn't want to have sex as much as she did. Oh how that quickly changed. I fell deep for her. All I seemed to do after a while was lay in bed with her. Once I realized how sexually compatible we were, the sparks flew. This went on for almost 2 years and she fell out of love with me. She is currently dating women.

Now to the present. I began dating a new girl about a year ago. I met her in between the last break up. The chemistry between us was immediate. We hit it off and the sex was amazing at first. Then reality set in and I really began to miss my ex. I kind of rushed into from one relationship to the next. Well, I started to have a low libido. And overall just wasn't interested in sex with my current gf. Then one day at school I noticed a good looking guy and kind of jokingly thought "he's doable". As time went on, I got hit on by a few guys, hung out with some gay men and didn't think twice about it. I was always curious how they knew they were gay and most said they knew at an early age. So I left it at that. Then I met a guy thorough some friends and he needed a ride one day. He's openly gay and pretty near person. His story was different from the rest. He said he didn't know till he was in high school and he had a gf and was able to perform in bed with her but never fully felt right. And I remembered thinking that was how I was feeling with my current gf. It was weird. This same guy told me how he's had sex with a couple of straight men and that it was normal for straight guys to do that (like men about my age or a bit younger). I remember feeling awkward and uncomfortable when I dropped this guy off. He texted me a few times but I kind of ignored him because I kept thinking he thought I was hitting on him.

Anywho, where I'm at today is odd. For a few months(beginning around May 2012, around the time after I gave that guy a ride home) I started hearing this voice in my head saying "Your gay" or "I think I'm gay". I couldn't get it to turn off. Then it seemed like there was a shift in my perception of women. It was like I didn't find them as attractive. Then I started purposely staring at men to see if I would get hard, and I did sometimes and didn't other times. It was all very confusing. In the mean time I'm still dating this girl and we seem to be having ups and downs. She can sense something off in me and starts clinging. I begin to get real detached and push away. Eventually, the voices got so loud and vicious that I wanted to kill myself. Sometime in August I had a nervous breakdown and went and saw my sponsor and a therapist. Obviously this wasn't abnormal. Because everyone I talked to about it said that this happened to them or others. So since then, I've began meditating and getting back to the spiritual life that got me sober. Some days it's better than others. When I watch porn, I get aroused but now I'm not sure if its to the guy or the girl. I've watched gay porn a few times and its a mixed bag. Sometimes I get erect and other times its a total turn off. My girlfriend and I's sexlife has beef rocky. I'm an ass man and she's not into butt stuff, so it's not my most fulfilling sex life but I do enjoy it. Sometimes were able to meet in the middle but most of the time it's pretty conventional I'm on top or she's on top stuff. Every now and then I get to indulge what I'm into.

Now here's some more stuff. When I see an attractive guy, at first I don't pay it any mind but then I double check to make sure I didn't find him attractive sexually. But when I see a hot chick, I immediately notice and then keep staring, almost trying to force myself to get erect. I know it mind sound silly but it's how my mind copes with everything. Tonight I tried to watch videos of guys kissing, and the idea of it kind of turned me on but when I watched it, I got anxious, settled down and just wasn't turned on by it. And I get mad at myself because when I try to be gay, act gay or accept I'm maybe gay, it doesn't work. It's like I'm trying to force something that I don't like. I guess how a gay person tries to force being straight. And I'm still unsure because I sometimes get aroused by shemales and trannys, but it's different with guys. Like, I start getting aroused then it goes away and I start thinking about women or straight porn. Lesbians used to be my favorite thing in porn. Sometimes I think I'm a bi guy that would enjoy a woman to role reversal with. Men are cool but I can't really see myself with a man that much. I'm sorry that's the case and I don't know if that's just because of social phobias or whatever but it is what it is. I love pussy. I like eating it, having sex with it and all the above. But since all this has started, I get nervous if I'm just making that stuff up or if its real. Sorry to type all this but I'm here just looking for advice.

P. s. I told my dad the other day I was questioning my sexuality and it really didn't make me feel liberated or anything. If anything, I felt amused at myself because I went and fantasized about two women. And one other thing, if I am bisexual, it's so hard for my ego to accept that. I was taught all my life, your either gay or straight. Black and white and honestly, I feel like an outkast because for once in my life, I don't feel I belong to either the "straight" or "gay" group. Am I in denial? Am I just saying "bisexual" to hide from being gay or am I a confused straight man. Thanks in advance and sorry for the biography.

 

Uh... I dunno. It was set off a few months back. In all honesty, maybe it's a fitting in thing. I think what really set it off was the convo between me and a gay friend of mine. He told me he had a gf in high school and had sex with her but wasn't that into it. I mean, I'm probably over thinking the situation with my current gf, but what happened was I lost interest in having sex with her. And she's beautiful. Like, a more petit version of Kim Kardashian. And don't get me wrong, I still find her sexually attractive but it's not how it was when we first started.

She's kind of become more intense and passionate about our relationship as where I'm looking for a bit more kink. And I dunno, I guess since all this I questioned myself a lot because its like my interest in women has faded to some degree. Well, kind of but not really. And since I questioned myself I get a bit uncomfortable around gay or straight people but I'm probably just being paranoid. My dad said this happens to all guys, gay or straight. I want to believe him but at the same time I don't, lol.

Btw, your like the tenth gay person to say I'm not gay lol. I guess it's hard to let go of my past and be easy on myself about it. Thanks for responding. It feels good to express how i feel to other people.

 

First off, thanks for responding Lance. Your have a good soul. Secondly, as far as checking out guys genuinely, not really. It's more of a force. Like, I think to myself, "Let get this out the way so I can get back to checking out the women." I know all this sounds crazy but it's kind of where my heads been.

And for my relationship, I'm trying to grow more into the love she has for me. Trust me, if I could just snap out of it, I would. I'll put it this way, I fell so hard for last 2 serious gf's that when we broke up I was crushed. I really thought I was defective or maybe even gay.

This girl is pretty much everything I wanted out of the last 2 girls I was with but my mind or ego won't let the past go or won't let me open up my heart. Actually, things have gotten better. I really appreciate your response.

Lastly, I have tried to masturbate to the idea of a guy and its been mixed reviews. I've gotten hard off gay porn a few times, but it's when I'm really excited and basically outside of myself but like usual, it goes away. And I usually go back to women. I guess a part of me wants to be gay as a reason why my relationships with women don't work. And since the last gf turned out to be a lesbian/bi I guess I figured that could happen to me. :/

 

Lance I feel like crying lol. This is like therapy and its on an online LGBTQ forum. Honestly the last place I would have thought to turn to.

And to answer your question, yes! Kind of. I mean, it all happened so fast. I literally went from girl to the next. And then the heart ache set in. And in the middle of this relationship I had my "nervous breakdown", began questioning my sexuality, started checking out guys and became less interested in women, specifically my gf.

Then the clouds started opening up and things started kind of balancing out. I stopped being as interested in guys and back interested in women and began talking about what was going on with me. I told a sponsor, therapist, friends, my boss and my dad. All of the hardest people to tell anything to. And honestly, I didn't feel any more gay or straight. I felt confused.

My current gf is so affectionate and passionate sometimes, it just turns me off. Most of my guy friends think I'm crazy but when you've been trying to be affectionate and passionate for the past 5-6 years with all your gf's, then it can take its toll. It's weird having your partner treat you the way you've been wanting to be treated for years. I feel almost undeserving and at the same time guilty. Again, thanks for taking the time to respond to my story. If this was real life, I'd consider you a friend