Self sabotaging being gay....

So its been almost a month since I first started posting. I've shared a lot and learned even more from all of you. Turns out my therapist is fantastic. I've done a lot of work, writing, journaling, thinking.

There are actually times now when I say aloud to myself "I'm gay" -- like I'm practicing to say it to someone.

Even 5 years ago I was trim, fit, running 25 miles a week and at the gym 3+ times a week. Since then I've become a slug and am really very unhappy about myself physically.

In thinking about this, for me, thinking that I'm fat and not going to the gym, has been a way to avoid taking the next step and being physical and sexual with guys. My excuse has been -- no one would like me this way. That perpetuates itself -- after all when you're sitting at home alone at night, its easy to eat a bowl of ice cream or a bag of chips ;-)

Since Thanksgiving I've worked darned hard to watch my eating, I've lost over 20 pounds. I'm back at the gym regularly. I've dropped down to a smaller pant and shirt size and its pretty obvious in my face.

Still -- since Christmas there's been so much food in the house -- candy, cookies, cheese. ALL the stuff that's hard for me to resist at night, especially when I'm depressed.

Why depressed? Gotta deal with the realities of what is in my head and what I'm sharing here and with my shrink. I know I need to start living like the guy I want to be. I don't want to be in the closet. I want to start meeting guys... and seeing where that goes.

But this whole thing scares the crap out of me. It means breaking up with someone I love. That's the hard hard part. I'm not even really thinking much about the coming out part. I will tell a couple of close friends. I don't need to speak with my kids or ex until there's a guy in the picture (I will have to tell the kids before some guy they don't know walks out of my bedroom some morning - hah)

So I self sabotage.... I eat.... I do a half assed workout.

Feeling better about my self image is a big part of gaining confidence, moving forward with my life. I can do this, I know I can.

I'm posting this -- because I need to admit it to overcome it. Everyday I eat right, that I go to the gym -- should be a step closer to me feeling better about myself. And being ready to take that step to openly start dating guys.

Since that's who I am and that's what I want, what I need, I need to stop putting things in the way and stop doing things that will stop me.

thx/ Pete

 

Thanks man --

When I look at myself, when I see how I feel being out of shape, this is not who I have been in the past, not who I can be, or want to be.

No excuses at all. I want to stop putting barriers in the way of facing... me.

Pete