So I'm in college, I've only recently come out, since the beginning of this month actually, only a few people know, and I'd like to keep it that way. Anyway I guess I would like to hear opinions on the matter of pursuing and maintaining a relationship while also remaining in the closet. Really, the chances of me being able to find a guy who likes me, wants a relationship, and also wants to keep it all secret is pretty unlikely. The fact that we'd have to keep it a secret doesn't seem much good for the relationship either, I suppose. Thoughts??
It's quite difficult to be in a closeted relationship. You have to hide your partner from everyone on top of hiding the time you spend with them by making things up and lying. And if your partner is more "out and open" than you are, then that makes it unfair for them and they're more likely to get tired of the relationship.
My last gf was completely out and I wasn't. We were together for over 5 years. We did break up but it had nothing to do with me being in the closet. It can be difficult to date in the closet but it isn't impossible. I see that you're out to a few people. It really helps if you can hang out with a few close friends that know about the relationship
It might work as long as you're both at the same "level of closetness", but things are going to get real awkward real fast once one of you decides to come out while the other is still keeping it a secret. Going to see movies/sport events/dinner and keeping your hands to yourself is one thing but imagine having a boyfriend you love but can't bring to Christmas dinner at your parents, your sister's wedding or various relative's birthday parties, imagine not being allowed to be present to support him in times of need like the death of one of his grandparents because he (or you) doesn't want anyone to know. Best way to put it is that it's not fair to expect a partner to hide or lie after coming out because the other partner isn't ready yet. Congrats on your recent coming out, and best of luck in the future.
Well it's reassuring to hear that isn't impossible. Those few people that do know are the only ones who I would want to know, and we're all in sort of similar situations, so I'm glad that will help as well. Thank you for your input! ---------- Post added 30th Dec 2012 at 01:16 AM ---------- My main concern as far as hiding it goes, is really just to prevent it from getting home. I'm in college away from home, where few people know that I'm gay, and the few who do know are people I don't want to hide from and would not have difficulty having privacy from. ---------- Post added 30th Dec 2012 at 01:20 AM ---------- I can see what you mean and I know I wouldn't want to be put in that kind of situation or put anyone in that situation if either of us decided to come out completely. Thank you for your response.
Just throwing my .02 in-- I am still in the closet. My girlfriend has been out for 20+ years. She couldn't care less that I don't tell anyone, she says who she sleeps with is her business, and no one needs to know. Since she is my best friend, and helping me start a business, she is in no way a secret, everyone I know knows her, they just don't know 100% of the details of our relationship. Maybe at our age, keeping our hands off each other is easier than for young folk. We've made this work for going on 3 years now, and the fact that I am not out has never once been a problem. She knows the infinite value I put on her. I don't have to expose myself to homophobes and make my life infinitely harder in order to make her happy. She is secure enough to accept my choice, and it doesn't detract from the relationship for her.
I'm glad to hear that, as I suppose that is pretty much what I'm looking for, but there are people who know about me being gay, and those few, I would want to know about my relationship. It's all so difficult to me.
Selecting who knos and who does not can work fine, as long as the two groups don't intersect. Think about George (from Seinfeld) and his fear that "his worlds will collide". Just decide if you can handle living in two worlds at once, and manage to keep them from colliding, I know my opinion on this is the minority on this site. Most people find that they are happier when they are fully honest and up front with everyone in their lives. A few of us manage to live double lives without feeling our lives are ruined by the lies, a trait I am just now learning is more common with people who grew up in dysfunctional families. If you learn to hide the truth as a child in order to protect yourself, that feels normal to you when you are an adult. Please note I am not suggesting that you take any specific path. I am simply presenting the knowledge that it can be, and is being, done.
