stalked by a straight woman

I'm a gay woman who's been being stalked by a straight woman for the last two years. It's really taken it's toll on me emotionally and I feel really depressed a lot of the time now.

The hardest part is that she's been stalking me through my family and friends -- endlessly keeping tabs on where I am and what I'm doing. I tried to talk with people about it, but everyone just kept denying it was going on, so at this point I've basically cut a lot of people out of my life and am feeling really lonely.

I'm talking to a therapist and I've gotten legal advice. I'm wondering if anyone here has every experienced something similar or has any insights into the situation or any advice about how to emotionally deal with it all. Thanks.

 

I worked for her -- she ran the small non-profit I worked at. The stalking started when I left and started applying for jobs elsewhere. So the legal help I'm getting relates to the fact she was giving me undeserved bad references.

How do you think I should do the same to her? I had a facebook account (which I deleted) which is how she contacted all my friends. She doesn't have one though so I wouldn't know how to do the same to her...?

 

That'd be awesome if u can ask yr friend Frank for help and how he deals with it... Thnxs.

 

Yeah - exactly, asking everyone to keep track of me. Constantly.

There's no physical following although she was 'cyberstalking' me through my iphone before I realized what was going on and turned off all the gps features.

She's been constantly in touch with people I live with too -- like roommates and housemates, even though I've moved 3 times trying to make it stop. Finding out when I'm home, when I'm out etc.

It might not sound threatening because there's no physical following but it's been going on for two years and is way beyond just creepy and weird to the point where it feels like psychological abuse...

 

Thanks so much - I know you weren't saying that. I appreciate the support. It is really scary and unnerving.

When I tried to talk to people about it, they just tried to minimize it. Like, when I said I thought she was a stalker they'd say she was just a 'mystery woman', and that I should try to think positively about it. (No idea what exactly I'm supposed to think about it is positive...)

Or they'd say I was being paranoid and that because she wasn't physically threatening me that I shouldn't be worried about it.

Yes, she knows I'm gay.

 

That's what I've been thinking for a while -- that she probably does have a crush on me. And at first I thought she'd get in touch or do *something* ... anything. But it's just been nothing but stalking for such a long time that it feels like a weird fixation or obsession or something, you know. I mean, most stalkers probably think they are in love with whoever they're stalking... but its a totally destructive way to be and I just dont know what to do about it anymore.

Yeah, her only connection to these people is through me -- they were my friends, none of whom she knew previously. I don't have any other contact with her. There was 1 person that we were mutual friends with on facebook but I deleted my account a long time ago when this all started.

 

No because I don't have a way of contacting her.

 

I dont know if I would. I mean, I've been reading a lot online about how to deal with stalking and the 'experts' all seem to say that its best not to because that just encourages them. Why - what do you think I should do?

 

Thanks so much for the advice. I really appreciate u taking the time to help sort it out... It feels like a big mess that's been hanging over me for forever so getting a fresh perspective is definitely a big help. You're definitely right that trying to ignore her hasn't worked at all... So, what would you say?

 

Thanks so much for the support. It means so much to me.

Yeah, it's been really difficult. And yeah the hardest part has been the fact that people I've thought of as good friends for 10+ years aren't helping at all -- not giving me any emotional support and really doing just the opposite by responding like there's something wrong with me for letting it upset me. It's made me really retreat from any social interactions and has made me feel really depressed and isolated because I don't feel like there's anyone I can trust.

The UK definitely seems way ahead of where we are in the US about it. All the really helpful information I've found online has been from UK agencies. It's been really helpful - especially just to feel normal and to know that my reactions are normal...

When I started to pursue any legal remedies I was first steered in the direction of employment law because it's involved her interfering with my work situation. So I am pursuing that ... but the wheels of justice move incredibly slowly....

I've moved to a rural place just to try to have some peace and quiet and my plan is that once the employment law stuff is more resolved to move back into the city. So before I do that, I think I'll definitely talk to a lawyer to see what can be done to make sure it stops. My fear is just that, as u said, since there's no proof, it might be difficult but, as u suggested, I'll see if I can't get some kind of warning sent to her to try to hopefully make it stop.

---------- Post added 30th Dec 2012 at 02:47 PM ----------

I did seek legal advice. The advice was that I should first pursue the employment matters because she's been interfering with my job. She's not only been giving me bad references but got me fired from a job I had for 2 months. I've filed suit against that employer for breach of contract because they fired me unjustly with no cause. The advice from the lawyer was to sue them and see if they admitted that it was because of her that they fired me. So far they haven't done that. The trial is in a month and my lawyers thinks we have a good case though so, hopefully, I should either get evidence of her interfering in my job situation or, if not, will at least get a monetary award from the company that fired me with no cause (fingers crossed).

It's been pretty much all of my friends that she stalks me through. Well, all of the people I was friends with on facebook, which is pretty much everyone. There were a few people that I was friends with a long time ago that I never was friends with on facebook and those seem to be the only people who's friendships haven't been affected. So I've been in touch with a few of those people.