Did I convince myself I am a lesbian?

Hi,
I posted other threads considering this topic but I am assuming they were too long for anyone to read, so here it goes. :help:
Long story short: I have considered myself straight my whole life and pursued men throughout school but would not go any further when they would ask me out. I always rejected them because it didn't feel right and I thought that meant I wasn't ready. I came to college and ended up meeting this girl when I was 19 who I couldn't get enough of. We spent countless nights and days together, cuddling in bed in our dorm rooms, and driving to each other homes (in different states) over the summer break. I had this desire to be with her and I wasn't sure why but it made me happy so I ran with it. She would mention hanging out with her male co-workers and I would get physically sick. I hated the thought of anyone with her or having her as theirs. I couldn't take it. I cried about it and was very confused. :icon_redf
I felt similar to this in high school about one of my best friends and my mom told me that I am just possessive and overbearing and that it comes off as creepy so I distanced myself from her and we ended up getting in a fight when she got her first boyfriend. I despised him.
Anyway after about 6 months into knowing this girl and becoming very close with her, we were cuddling one night and she kissed me. I froze and wasn't sure what to do. I've never been in a relationship before and I've never kissed anyone before. I was afraid that I was going to think too much and talk myself out of it so I kissed her back. We made out for a bit and I wasn't sure what I was feeling, if I was doing this just because I wanted to explore, or if I really wanted her. I had never experimented with men or women.
She asked me if I meant it and I said yes and she said that she has always liked me and I said I felt the same. I was kind of in a daze but all I could think of was that she had to be mine and no one else's. (Is that a normal feeling to have or is something wrong with me?)
We have been a couple ever since, its been 1 year and 5 months, and I recently told my family because the guilt from hiding it was eating me up inside. They didn't believe me and told me I was just wanting to be loved and that it is easy to get it from my best friend. I have always done what my parents wanted from me, because it made me comfortable that they were happy. But to hear them dismiss my feelings and such confused me greatly.
Now it has been 2 months since I came out and I am wondering if they are right. Did I really convince myself? I've always been comfortable saying I was straight, but I was always single. I loved the chase and attention I got from men but got freaked out when they responded. And they were always "popular" as well. I am very confused and anxious all of the time. Ever since I told them I feel nauseous when I see my girlfriend or get a text/phonecall from her. It makes me want to vomit. I get uneasy when I kiss her now and I am constantly trying to figure out if I feel a spark between us. I feel like we are past the honeymoon phase in our relationship but I don't know because I have never been in one. Sometimes I talk about how I regret not being wild in high school and trying to actually date guys and she gets hurt which kills me. I'm scared because I love her but I am not sure if she is the one. I don't know how I am supposed to know. My whole life I thought when you found that person it was like a fairy tale for the rest of your life. I know its not true now which is kind of scary for me because I always expected to end up living happy for the rest of my life.
Now I am scared. I still get sick if I imagine her with anyone else or with her ex's. I don't know if what I felt and am feeling is legitimate. I'm scared that I used to find her attractive but now that I know how my parents feel I just associate her with bad feelings from when I told them.
I didn't even come out to them properly because I did it on a whim and just said "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm dating ____." Then they asked "What are you bisexual? What about all of the boys? I don't think you're being honest with yourself." I had no idea what to say because I wasn't comfortable admitting it myself except for everyone I went to college with because they all know and support me.
I feel like maybe I didn't have time to accept myself and I rushed into a relationship because I didn't want to lose her and I felt it was my only opportunity.
Now I feel like I'm too far in to go back, and it's scaring me. I don't know if I want to break up. I tried to break up with her 3 times but couldn't do it. I'm afraid if we break up we can never have things like the way they were.
I am at home with my parents for Christmas break and I am scared that maybe spending so much time with my parents is getting me used to what they expect of me which is causing me to have bad feelings about her. She was supposed to come to my house today because we are going to a concert on NYE and she had to change plans and decided to come tomorrow, which I was kind of upset but relieved about. I'm not sure how they are going to act and I'm scared to be in the awkward silence. I don't do well with social situations. I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself and observe. I hate being in the spotlight.
I'm not sure what I want or who I am supposed to be. I love having sex with her though, but does that actually mean anything? If I wasn't into girls could I still love it anyway? But I have this feeling that she has to stay mine and that I need to care for her because she has a chronic illness.
I don't want to break up but when I see her I feel sick to my stomach. When I tried to break up those times I freaked out and couldn't do it. What do I do? :tears:

I realize this is another long post but I don't know how to explain my situation in a shorter manner. Sorry. :bang:

 

It's okay I'm just glad someone responded to me. I tend to over-analyze very easily and always try to please EVERYONE. I can never have enemies or people who dislike me, it drives me crazy and hurts me a lot. Maybe that's something that is causing me to feel conflicted. Falling for her just felt so REAL though. It felt like fate. The first time I met her parents I had this feeling like I've known them my whole life and that I had to impress them.
Maybe I am scaring myself out of a relationship that is meant to last? I don't know...I feel like I am meant for her but I'm scared to admit if she's meant for me. I have a lot of self confidence issues.

 

The sick feelings started instantly after I told them. I couldn't sleep or eat for days. I have always been kind of cautious about PDA like hand-holding and telling people, but it's just so weird for me to actually be in a relationship, and one that gets a lot of dirty glares at that, it made me uncomfortable. I'm okay with it now and IDGAF what people think when we are out around town together. Just my family. I have seen a counselor twice, and my next appointment is when I go back to school which is in a little over a week. I just can't sort my thoughts out when I am only with my parents, because I know how I am supposed to act around them and I feel very anxious with them. When I came home I felt nervous and uneasy. I'm always wondering if this is a sign that I'm no longer in love etc. I've kind of been in panic-mode since I told my parents.
Lately when I am with her it is after period of being with my parents for a few days to weeks due to our holiday breaks, and I feel anxious and look for signs that mean I don't love her. I tend to focus a lot on her flaws and I feel like I'm talking myself out of love with her? But I still can't imagine life without her.
Those feelings pass after a few days, and then I start to feel normal again. When I am with her I feel safe, happy, accepted, loved, desired. I worry sometimes that all of my worrying is preventing me from treating her right and that she deserves someone better than I.

 

Yes, I talk to her about it a lot. Whenever I get stressed I talk to her about it but sometimes I feel like I shouldn't because I don't want her to blame herself, which she does sometimes. If my parents were supportive I guess I wouldn't feel this way...but it is hard to say because the way I was raised was to kind of fear them and conform to their desires. I am almost too comfortable with giving them what they always planned for me that now that I know how they feel, it feels like the right choice to pretend I am straight even though it kills me.
I haven't done anything though. I just kind of feel like I am at home and am existing, but not living. That's actually how I always felt until I met my girlfriend.
They think I'm just attracted to her because she is "motherly." I do love that about her, she makes me feel very safe and I love how she cares about everyone so much.
Sometimes I worry about whether or not I find her physically attractive, so much so that I feel like maybe I don't anymore?
But looks fade so I shouldn't worry about that, but its something that my mother valued and kind of drilled into me to value as I was growing up. It's sick.
I remember times where she would say "Oh he is so handsome, too bad he's gay! You could have married a guy like him." about celebrities. She expected so much of me...I feel like a failure.

 

The 13th or 14th I believe. I hate that I feel sick around her. I feel like this will cause me to always feel like this when I see her due to association I want to feel close to her but I feel like I am distancing myself because Im afraid.
I wish I could print some things and leave them for my parents but they said they don't want to talk about it ever again and I am literally afraid to do different from what they ask of me. I don't know why. I wasn't abused physically or anything. My counselor says I was emotionally abused but I hate to say that about my mom. So I just act like it never happened like they are. It's confusing the hell out of me.

---------- Post added 30th Dec 2012 at 04:01 PM ----------

Is there a way for me to associate good feelings when I see her? I think about when we were just friends a lot because we were so carefree and happy because we knew we liked each other but didn't have to tell anyone yet and deal with the real world if you know what I mean. I try to make myself feel that way again but when I fail I worry that I've fallen out of love. I don't want to lose her.

 

I'm a bit nervous about writing them a letter, I have tried to do so once before when my feelings were hurt regarding my appearance because my mother insists I need makeup in order to go out in public, she even locked me in the car once and refused to allow me to go into Target unless I put lipstick on. So I wrote a letter explaining how I feel when she does that and I got in a lot of trouble for it. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses but I know how my parents work and while they love me and provide for me I am scared to get too open with them anymore. I don't know if there's anything I can do besides wait it out and let time tell but their approval has always meant so much to me, so I'm experiencing a lot of shame and confusion. I appreciate all of the support and responses. It feels really good to be open about what I'm feeling. I'm sorry if I seem hopeless I am just very cautious towards my parents.

 

I don't have a way to get away other than the concert I'm going to for NYE. I will be with my girlfriend and two good friends for two days, then I'm stuck at home until I go back to school. I just wish I wasn't so ashamed of myself. I want to stay happy with my girlfriend and make decisions together. We are almost living together because she lives in the apartment right next to mine so we spend nights together every night. Is that too fast? It didn't feel like it but all of my friends are saying it is but we have been doing this for most of our relationship I can't imagine going back to separate rooms and lives. I feel like it would mess things up. I don't know what I'm doing or what the protocol is. Im just very confused about a lot of things. I don't want to move in together if its inappropriate to. I decided I wouldnt be ready to really move in together until I can ard it myself so I don't feel guilty about living with someone my parents don't agree with. I also am still warming up to the idea of having a future together. It scares me now and it didn't before. I don't think I want to get married at all, no matter the person. It doesn't appeal to me and I actually feel that it could jinx the relationship and make it so messy to get out of. Is that bad?

 

Sorry I'm such a worrier! I appreciate all of the advice. I'll probably be coming back with more issues :/