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Where is my life going?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Paul_UK, Sep 30, 2006.

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  1. Paul_UK

    Paul_UK Guest

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    I was tempted to call this thread “mid-life crisis”, but it's not that bad! However I am trying to figure out where my life is and where (if anywhere) it is going.

    I'm 42 and have been with my partner for 15 years. We met (through a magazine contact advert) when I was 27 and he was 22. He was my first partner, as I only came out the year before. He was also my first gay sex partner (excluding stuff when I was at school with other boys).

    I feel we are drifting apart, especially over the last two or three years. For some time we have slept in separate rooms, mainly because we work different hours (so need to go to bed and get up at different times) and also both sleep better separately (apparently I snore loudly!). We were on holiday a couple of weeks ago in a rented chalet, and still slept in separate rooms. We have sex about once a week and it doesn't excite me any more – it is just going through the motions.

    He works evenings whereas I work during the day and get up quite early, so we only see each other for about an hour or so each evening. It is not really time together, as he is normally chatting to friends on MSN and I am usually doing stuff in web forums.

    Every Friday evening he plays snooker with some guys from his work. I am not welcome as it is his time with his friends. Most Saturdays he is off shopping for a few hours, and again there are usually reasons why I can't tag along (seeing friends being the usual).

    I know he has his eye on one of his work colleagues (a rather cute guy in his late teens) though this guy is apparently straight. He is one of the guys he plays snooker with. If he does get off with this guy or someone else then I won't have a problem with it – indeed it would help make things easier.

    It's not just him though. I have been working away from home for the last few weeks, and only home at the weekends. I have been working with our trainee, who is 21 and a great guy. Yes, I do fancy him but I know he is straight. He is a very good friend too. So I am not seriously after him, though I think about him a lot.

    However it has got me thinking. I can talk to our trainee about a lot more stuff than I can to my partner. We have quite a lot in common but also have areas of quite different interests. He is self-confident and is an individual – he does what he likes regardless of whether it's trendy or whether his mates would approve etc. He is good looking but just naturally and is not the sort of person who knows it and spends ages in the bathroom preening himself. If he was gay (which he isn't) and was into older guys, I think he would be an ideal partner. So maybe I need to find a gay guy like that.

    I have mentioned that things are a bit iffy between me and my partner, but not told him much more. He wants to help and has offered to listen and talk. But because it is him that has caused me to really start thinking about the whole situation I don't really want to make the situation more awkward. Of course he may realise what I feel about him already (he is fairly shrewd and very observant) but I don't know whether a confirmation would be a good idea.

    I am also finding that I am less interested in things that used to interest me, such as my vintage radio collecting hobby, web forums etc. I could count the number of good friends I have on the fingers of one hand, and many of them are not that local.

    The gay scene where I life is pathetic and anyway I hate smoky pubs and clubs etc. So my options for going out and meeting people are limited (though not non-existent). I was useless at the dating game when I was in my 20s so don't really fancy going there again now. But I won't meet people by staying at home.

    So that's where I am now....
     
  2. TriBi

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    Oh boy. Well, Paul, it rather sounds like you and Marky need to talk.

    Of course, it is always hard to analyse someone elses circumstances when one only knows them via the internet...but to me it rather seems as if "working away from home" and recent exposure to other people has set your thought processes in motion.

    I was (obviously) unaware of the personal circumstances of you guys. While I am sure you do care for each other, the only way to resolve whether this is:
    -- "mid life crisis"
    -- "settled into each others individual routines and finding it boring"
    -- "time to do something to revive the spark", or
    -- "it's not happening anymore, time to call it quits"
    ...is for you and he to have an honest and upfront discussion about where you both are, how you feel about it, where you see it going, what you want from it, is it worth it anymore?

    Of course, it is always easy to sit back and pontificate when you aren't in the situation...and you are so genuinely good at giving other people sage advice, I imagine you have a good idea already at what you "should" do. Then again - "giving advice" and "being in the hot seat and doing it" are worlds apart.

    Good luck...I sincerely hope you work things out for the best.
     
  3. Sam

    Sam
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    well I think that tribi is right all you can do is be honest with your partner it might surprise you to hear he might feel the same just sit down and have a real conversation with each other (no matter how scary or awkward it is) just start with we need to talk and no matter what happens in the end it will be for the best and you'll feel a lot better

    good luck
     
  4. Micah

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    Talking to him about this is a must. But look at it this way:

    You two spend very little time together - I mean, you're work schedules are hell. You've obviously drifted apart from each other. I think one of the most important things you need to do once you've talked is work out ways to improve the time you have with each other. This could be through you cutting down on work hours, him spending less time with friends, or even just making the most of the time you have together.

    What do you usually do when you two have spare time? As cliche as it sounds, you need to have your own "together" time. Where you can catch up and find out whats going on in each other's lives, and be an active roll.

    As for the sudden change of interests, it happens to everyone. But what do you think brought around the change? Was it the people you hang around with? It doesn't bring the same happiness it once did? I've recently gone through a whole interest change - where everything I did just bored me. The key is to move on and find something else that interests you. But don't just ditch your old interests either. You may find one day that your passion for Radios etc is reignited, and keeping the website around will allow you to continue with it.

    But the first step is talking to him. Nothing's going to improve without doing that.

    Dave

    [Besides, if all else fails there's a cute, blonde, Aussie boy in Melbourne who's always there *wink* - ok is it way too early to be making jokes like that? :icon_wink ]
     
  5. Proud1p4

    Proud1p4 Guest

    Way to drop a bomb dave, way to drop a bomb.:eusa_doh:

    But on a more serious note. Paul, this is the point in all adult lives where your body says "ok. put the brakes on everything because i'm being difficult." What that means is, this is the point in your life where your mind is trying to re-evaluate your living situations. It's forcefully slowing everything down, taking energy from alot of areas in your life (sleeploss, lack of interest, sickness and/or uninterest in food are not uncommon) and using all of it for deep thought. Potiental fixes?

    Just give your body what it wants. Before you do anything else. Take the time to ask yourself some questions (those i'm unable to help you with, for fear i'll ask the wrong ones, im no professional...which brings me to my next thing). After you have took a day, maybe a week just to think, I recommend you and your partner (yes, that would require talking to him about it to see if he feels the drift too, this would mean good timing and good word choice) see a psycologist and/or a life coach and/or a marriage counsiciller.......probably in that order....because who knows, maybe your realationship isn't the problem.

    I hope i haven't wasted your time reading this, i hope it helps cuz' im not even sure if anyone can understand it lol. Blessed be.
     
  6. Paul_UK

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    He is not one for sitting down and talking - he never has been. So any discussion would be a bit here and a bit then rather than an in-depth conversation. Difficult with me being way so much at the moment. I think that may have to wait for a month or so until I am back at home.

    6th November will be our 15th anniversary of meeting (he will have forgotten because he always does and doesn't think anniversaries are a big deal). Perhaps that could lead into a discussion, such as wondering whether we will be together in another 15 years, or even 5 years. It should fit in with when I am back home too.

    This is one of the things that has drawn me to the guy from work. He likes talking about all sorts of stuff, from trivial to serious. He is interested in what I say and I find what he ays interesting too. Much more so than it's ever been with my partner. I feel I know him better than I know my partner already.

    It is so damn frustrating that he is unavailable.

    Weekends would be the only time realistically. But that is when he is off shopping, seeing people etc....

    I will have more time at home from November, but with the different working hours that won't add a lot of time together. An hour or two each evening.....

    He gets in from work, turns on his PC while I make him a cup of tea. If we are lucky we spend five minutes asking how each other's day was, before he has his email, a couple of forums and MSN open and one or more of his friends is online.

    Not so much a change of interests as a reduction of interests. Things I used to do don't interest me so much, and nothing has replaced them.

    Lack of time partly. But also that it just doesn't interest me so much any more. Too much of a good thing?

    Easier said than done though. :frowning2:

    It's just a shame that you are so far away, Dave! I've seen a photo, and you are certainly cute..... :kiss:

    Only a joke - damn!! :icon_sad:
     
  7. Micah

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    Oooo Oooo my turn to chop up a post!

    One of the key foundations of a relationship is communication. It's really a shame that you don't find it easy to talk to him about those sort of things. Would he get irritated if you sat down next to him while he was on his computer and started a conversation? You know him better than I do - can you be creative? Cook him dinner and sit down together and talk instead of turning on the tv?

    Then weekends it is. Suggest going out for dinner, watching a movie together (out or at home), even going for a walk. As Justin Timberlake once said "[he's] bringing sexy back" - so should you! Ok enough of that - seriously, even spicing up your sex life would be beneficial - massages, oils, baths, spas etc can do a lot.

    To me that sounds as though you're roomies and not partners. I dunno - again with the whole communication thing. I think that's the thing that really needs to be 'salvaged' here.
    Yeah but everyone get's bored of things eventually. As I said it's just a matter of finding something new. You cant expect to be interested in the same things your whole life.
    :frowning2: Just means it's more effort. Not impossible.

    It's true - I am. But then again I'm blonde and Australian. You can't go wrong there.
    :grin:
     
  8. LorenzG1950

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    Hi Paul,

    Sounds like you have a relationship that has become routine for both of you and it’s time to evaluate where you want it to go from here. I can recommend an excellent book on all aspects of relationships, “10 smart things gay men can do to find real love” by Joe Kort (available through Amazon).

    The way you describe your trainee, he obviously has the attributes that your partner may be lacking. And then there is the physical attraction that can muddy the waters. You’ve already listed a number of qualities that you like in your trainee. Big questions. Does your partner know that these qualities are important to you? Have you told him? Is it reasonable to expect your partner to adjust more to your needs? Does your partner have needs that you might not be providing, causing him to look elsewhere? Just some things to think about.

    The positive side is that you have a new friend to confide in. That doesn’t have to have a negative impact on your relationship with your partner. Quite to the contrary, your trainee is helping you define things that are important to you and those things don’t necessarily have to come from your partner (although it would be nice). You also mention that you don’t have a lot of good friends that are nearby. That might be the real problem underlying this little crisis. From your description, your partner seems to have his group of friends, from snooker to shopping. You don’t appear to have a similar network of buddies, which makes the trainee so important for you right now. What I’m trying to say is that you should look for a few more “buddies”, straight or gay, that you can confide in and make the most of your new friend.

    Strangely enough, I also have a newfound friend, 24, good looking, and definitely straight. For some reason, in the midst of all the gay guys at one of our local hangouts, he and I have become very close friends (he’s probably the only straight guy in the place). His girlfriend just cheated on him and broke off the relationship although my buddy is still hopelessly in love with her. He is smart, articulate, full of energy and ambition, a hard worker, and if he were gay and into older guys, yeah he’d be my ideal partner. But that is fantasy. Right now, I appreciate him as a good friend. His vibrant enthusiasm gives me energy and we seem to understand each other very well. I have to admit that I get a kick out of the strange jealous looks I get from other guys (hardly anyone knows he’s straight). Anyhow, I enjoy this guy’s company more than a gay guy I was dating for almost 2 months.

    As far as interests go, our hobbies and leisure activities run in phases, largely dependent on how happy or satisfied we are, at least with me. If things are going well, I’m totally interested in music, writing, and reading. If I’m preoccupied with work or other problems, the hobbies seem to fall by the wayside. Maybe you are working too much on such a screwed up schedule that prevents you from investing more time in your relationship? Is that a conscious choice on your part?

    I hope some of this makes sense. At least you have about a month to get your bearings. Read your original post. You’ve already answered a lot of the questions you’ve posed. You’re well on the way to successful self-analysis. It all comes down to the basic question of whether your relationship is worth salvaging or whether it’s time for both of you to move on to something new.

    Good luck(*hug*)
     
  9. Paul_UK

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    Just a quick follow-up, in case anyone is interested. Nothing much has happened so far. I have been working away for nearly two weeks and got back Friday. I am away again from this Friday for at least 15 days, quite possibly longer. So really the necessary discussion will have to wait until I am back at home for more than a few days.

    For this trip our trainee is not coming. I am disappointed about that obviously, but I am wondering if it is for the best really as spending the amount of time with him is probably not helping.

    I told him about some of this while we were away last time, though didn't really mention the fancying him stuff directly. I said that someone just like him but that happened to be gay and into older guys seemed like an ideal partner, and he didn't respond to that specifically. He listened to me and seemed to understand, but didn't offer many thoughts/comments (I didn't really expect him to).

    Our conversations didn't come back to that again, but we were mainly grumbling about the job which had become very frustrating, and we were generally both too knackered to do much more than have dinner and a couple of pints before heading to bed.
     
  10. joeyconnick

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    First I think that, in both your and your partner's cases, guys near/at their 40s falling for late teens/early 20somethings is pretty much THE definition of "mid-life" crisis.

    Second, if neither one of you is willing to readjust your schedules to even sort out your relationship, much less to give yourselves extra time with each other, I would say the relationship has been dead and over a long while.

    Your co-worker is not gay, so whether he's into older guys or not is not even a question. Let it go. You have more than enough on your plate; adding pining away for a completely unavailable person no matter how great he is and how perfect he'd be "if only" is so counterproductive it pretty much defies description. You are setting yourself up to be miserable and unfulfilled.

    Why anyone would seriously devote any time to anyone where there are two serious obstacles to overcome (sexuality and age) is a mystery. Why not try to meet people who are into guys and closer to your age? I'm not saying the 20/40 thing can't happen but my experience is that generally, it only happens readily if there is some type of economic exchange also happening (either directly or indirectly). It sounds to me like the guy is attractive and you end up spending a lot of time with each other and he's sympathetic so you've developed a crush instead of a friendship. A friendship would give you a lot less grief and my opinion would be that if you can't stop longing for him, stop hanging out with him.

    Towards the end of my 5-year stretch of singledom, it became VERY apparent to me that one of my problems was that I was hanging out with a lot of people who were significantly younger than me (7 - 10 years). On top of that they were in the generic undergraduate age range (18 - 22) and I was 28 - 32. So yes, I met and hung out with lots of attractive guys but generally they were only interested in being friends with someone my age and I began to realise that on top of that, while they were hot they were really not what I was looking for in a partner. But given that I work on a university campus, I naturally wound up with social circles full of guys that age who were "eligible" in that they were gay but generally not eligible in the ways that count.

    And no, of course not all of them wrote me off because of my age--and I certainly wasn't writing all of them off because of their age--but it was 5 years before I lucked out and met someone who was into me and who it turns out was extremely suitable for me. But that was after FIVE years of being disappointed and while it's a happy ending, I consider it an extremely lucky, rare happy ending and if I had it to over I would go back to myself at age 26, slap me, and say "find social circles of people who are more likely to be a better match for you, you fool, rather than pining away over people who aren't even what you really want!" I basically set myself up for failure for half a decade. I would strongly recommend against repeating my mistakes. Sure be open to the less likely but focus on the more likely. And I don't mean settle--I mean look for someone who likes talking about their feelings and needs who is also gay and who seems into you rather than pining for someone who fails the most basic compatibility test of suitable sexuality.


    ARRRRGHHH I just went back and read all that and I'm just so sick of my and everyone's obsession with youth. It is just SO corrosive and stupid and talk about setting yourself up for failure! We all need to learn to just let it go. Me especially.

    Okay, I'm tired and I'm going to bed. Paul, focus on meeting gay guys. That's step 1. You sound like you want some serious intimacy and straight guys are not gonna help you out that way, no matter how friendly they are.
     
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